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Makhosazane's Mind, Johannesburg (2026)

28/01/2024

The ones left behind (a note to my little old man).

It has been a tornado of five years since your departure. In a way, it has felt like your life was snatched from this realm: you still had so many plans & dreams and you were in the process of writing another book. You had plans to travel and spend more time with your people and in what felt like a split second - that all changed.

I also went from looking forward to what you had to offer to feeling left behind to pick up the pieces and rebuild life without being able to quickly pick up the phone and ask you for advice or go out for breakfast with you or laugh about my jeans “suddenly” being too tight (even though you were never mean about it, you always told us you could eat whatever you wanted to eat because you were a road runner - beast on the road).

We made sure your estate was wound up and everything went to the people you wanted to benefit but there has also been an “other” that is not so easy to process or wind up. The feelings of being one of the ones left behind have been so bizarre to process. On some days it feels easy to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying my best but on other days I feel so brutally robbed & like I’m starting the day on a deficit. These days aren’t healthy or easy to by any measure because the wrong people have to be dealt the complexities that come with the anger, frustration, madness and hurt. It feels like a raw deal in a way because you are celebrated and we are here with so many unanswered questions.

Death is so bizarre and it is an inevitable part of being human but it’s weird man!

Anyways, I hope you’re at peace and having a lovely time in the hereafter ♥️

15/09/2023

These tiny hands restore my faith
These tiny hands keep my soul in shape
These tiny hands touch my soul
These tiny hands make my love so bold!

These tiny hands have taught me so much, have inspired me to seek alignment, have brought me back from the edge so many times & they have helped me hang on for what sometimes feels like dear life.

I have known and still know great love, but the one from these tiny hands can only come from above and beyond this earthly plane. My heart bursts with the deepest gratitude for the blessing of carrying you, of you coming through my womb and being chosen to be one of your earthly ushers.

You came along and un-did how my mind was wired and I feel reborn each day: into the day’s challenges, fears, hopes, dreams, prayers… and you re-built my faith in goodness. Your tiny hands open my heart so much (even in the moments where I feel so depleted and defeated). I know I’m alive for and because of these tiny hands.

27/04/2023

Down memory lane…

I often stood by confused when I listened to people speak about how quickly the first few years of having small children flew by. If I am honest, I actually thought they were mad and even disagreed.

For one, those crazy nights of waking up to breast feed did not feel like they were flying by because I was so sleep deprived. Another set of nights that certainty felt like they were taking their sweet time were the ones spent in the paediatric ward with a super-sick little human who didn’t want to take medication, who cried an ugly cry when he was having bloods drawn or drips inserted or terrified by the sound of the oxygen dispenser thingy that was connected to his nebuliser as it woke him up moments after he finally managed to fall asleep. Then we need to talk about the nights of no sleep on those cold, pleather sleeper couches that felt like they were going to cave in every time I moved or coughed. Let’s talk about the sisters talking about us in the corridors when they thought we were all asleep and having to catch up on work in between all of that. Another awkward thing for me was having to talk to the doctors at the crack dawn before having had a chance to shower or even freshen up while they showed up so perky seeming to do their ward rounds.

Then we need to talk about the mountains of laundry, cleaning the floor what feels like a million times a day, begging a toddler to keep his shoes on, negotiating meals, bed time, outfit choices, what to watch during tv time, tantrums while driving on the freeway & the meltdowns because he doesn’t want to wear these shoes.

These days haven’t felt like they have been flying by, yet here I am two years later, writing this from the dark during loadshedding, with tears in my eyes because my son’s favourite parent is his dad and they’re watching a movie together. It wasn’t always that way though (and to be honest he told me that the tables would one day turn) and I was not ready for the plot twist.

I console myself with the extra time I have to just hang out in bed or vegetate but I am touched. I’m glad they’re close and grateful that they still have the bond they shared when this picture was taken two years ago but I feel betrayed because not only are they guys-guys, they look so alike & have the same vibe. It’s also so intense that when daddio stands up, I am asked where he is going, when he will be back & sometimes bitten or smacked because why does my son then have to be left with me?

Heaven only knows…

22/04/2023

Snippets…

As a mom, my stress levels are at ultimate peak - all the time. I have questioned so much about my part in things, about the kinds of decisions I make, about how well & quickly I am progressing (or not), about every odd thing under the sun.

When I first birthed our little human, I had an image of what I wanted motherhood to be like, what I wanted him to be like and boy-oh-boy have I been in for so many surprises.

I wanted him to never get dirty but still play, to be zen like he was as a new born, to have a strict routine and stick to it meticulously and I wanted him to be all mine. He’s not all mine - he’s such a people’s person and so about being out there (and I see who he gets that from), he is never clean and loves playing in the sand (just after bath-time even in the evenings) and now he likes to have a say about when he wants to do things like eat & bath & everything else under the son (my boss baby is two years old).

I am floored almost daily because never in a million years would I have imagined that this would be my life: taking lead from a toddler and letting him take the reigns (except when he wants to get out of the car seat and drive - because he legit thinks he’s got it down).

He teaches me so much, most importantly that no plan is also a great plan - especially with children’s personalities. He teaches me new songs, dances & rustations from Gogo’s crèche. There are so many blessings in discovering who he is and what he’s about and sometimes letting him wear his shoes the way he really wants to (he learned how to put them on and walk in them by himself okay).

05/04/2023

"Though hope is frail..."

These lyrics have been circling my mind for the last few weeks as I try to organise my thoughts. It has been a challenging few years for me and admitting that they have gotten to me has been no easy feat. I have really had to work hard to ask for help, take a few steps back and just let myself be challenged while I am.

As an ambitious woman, who happens to be a business founder and owner (more than one mind you), a legal professional, a mother and a lover, I like to have plans, back-up plans and back-up-back-up plans in place to cover a variety of scenarios that may arise. I like to be thaaaaat girl but at this juncture the plans I had have had to be cast out of the window because life has lifed me shem! Hard even. It's not in a bad way but I have had to reset my factory settings and do things in a different way.

When I took the image featured in this meandering, I was begrudgingly playing soccer with our son who would not let me lay in bed and sleep. He just wanted to play and as we did so, I saw how this tree (once a great feature in Gogo's yard) had new baby leaves growing in the place of it's severed branches. I was so taken aback and it dawned on me - "though hope is frail it's hard to kill". Things grow as long as there is hope.

On that note... the toddler is back (as I write this he is pulling up his chair and trying to get into my lap so he can nurse).

16/01/2021

Uthando: A simple complexity

I thought about my dad most of today. I miss the little old man. I miss the way he just handled things when it felt like there was no way out. Well, that’s how it felt back then, now I’ve come to realise that things didn’t come as easily as he made them feel to us.

I’ve taken a few strides in my personal life and professionally and I’m realising every day just how challenging it is to keep going. Not even just because of the crazy times we’re in with the pandemic; almost as a rule of thumb. People dislike you for being honest, more than that, they fight you for telling the truth. People turn from you when you’re just trying to live your life and I realise that it’s lonely along the path of trying to do things right. It sometimes feels like maybe it would be easier to become the kind of person who nurtures the popular opinion or just gives up altogether because it’s not always easy to see the value in something when you feel so at a loss. I don’t care what anyone says, but it’s not nice to be in the same space as someone and know they dislike you and recognise that they’re fighting you when you’re just trying to do what’s best and operate according to the “rules”.

I appeared in court this week, before what I believed to be a tough presiding officer, and after days of preparation, the whole thing felt like it was over in a matter of moments. I was asked a few questions that I answered but not to the court’s satisfaction. Motion removed from the roll (after not sleeping and and and) - thanks, bye; I wasn’t okay. I braved the rest of the afternoon but I went home and wasn’t even able to call my client to let them know. I felt defeated in that moment in the midst of an already tough week. I wished I could talk to my dad mlomo-mlomo and get things off my chest. The sun was shining but I put on my nighty and I took a long nap. After some time in bed after I woke up, I decided that the day was a miss and I called it quits (stayed in bed bro).

I woke up the next day feeling much the same but I had to woman up and make that phone call to my client. As I did so, I remembered this picture which is typical of how you raised us. My dad would let us fuss and cry and throw our tantrums but he’d also look at us stoically and tell us the truth: life is simple - but it’s challenging.

The simple but challenging truth for me is that people won’t always like me, agree with me, see my view point, be my friends and things won’t always go my way. Sometimes they will but it will require work and sacrifice to even give myself room for them going my way.

I think about this truth often in love too, when I’m fussing and low-key tantruming: love is simple - but it’s challenging. At times you’ve just got to let people be (self included) until they’ve had their moment. Then you’ve got to look at them (and self) and tell the truth: impilo ilula - kodwa inobunzima. You’ve got to choose and while you’re doing so remember that you can choose whatever you want to; but you cannot choose the consequences (borrowed that lesson from Rev. Trevor Hudson).

Cry bro. Cry until you’re cried out. Stay in bed until you’ve bed enough. Tantrum away homie but remember the truth. You’ve got to keep it moving. You’ve got to keep working. You’ve got to keep loving. It’s complex; but it’s simple.

22/12/2020

Uthando: Let children be children

This snap that depicts just how into my little big sister I am (don’t tell her that) was captured by our mother recently. We took our first trip as a unit since my little old man passed on to his forever place of resting.

It was really amazing to experience how each of us have evolved and to see my mother being so care free. We listened to awesome music on the drive, we ate loads of junk food, we stayed up late talking about life and we just rested. It was so amazing to experience her joy and see her sing and dance after everything she has been through. It was also so amazing learning about the experiences and parts of her life that we didn’t have insight into as her younger children.

It made me aware of just how much she carried on her shoulders whilst trying to build a solid marriage (which, I am becoming more aware, is a sport when you marry into a large, African, family), develop in her career and grow as a human being. I look at her now that I know so much more about what it really took and I’m in absolute awe of the woman she is.

One thing that she taught me, even without necessarily meaning to, is the importance of letting children be children when it’s their time. Relax, I’m not referring to us kicking about in the pool (because the only child you see is my nephew). I’m taking about letting children be children generally. I’ve been spending more time with my nephew and some children in his age group lately (his peers, friends and the children in my partner’s family) and I’m always so taken aback by what they’re into.

I don’t always get it and I find myself low-key (read high-key, entirely and hecticly) freaking out because I worry about what they’re exposed to. The ease with which they have access to the whole world through their gadgets and apps terrifies me. The things they relate to in media, the songs they dance to, the dance moves and the cultures they emulate often leave me floored because I don’t always think it’s appropriate.

Then I think of my mother and her parenting style and I have heart palpitations because now I realise that she was pretty damn awesome at guiding us. At the time I thought she was too strict but now that I look back, with the sobriety and perspective of being a 32 year old, African woman in South Africa, and I literally die inside. My mom, and she is the focus of this part of this part of the series because I’m currently exploring love from her perspective, raised us in such a smart way. She was firm but she also let us be.

She would expect us to take care of our chores at home, but she’d also let us (mostly me) run around and get as dirty as we needed to (then she’d point me to the bath as soon as I got home and monitor me as I scrubbed myself nge saka lama orange).

It’s taught me that you don’t own the people you birth, you just guide them. This has also taught me to understand that the people we love, live with, are related to and befriend do not belong to us. We can love them and live with them, but we cannot and do not possess their experiences. While I’m here on earth just doing me, they’re doing them. I’ve got to let other children be.

14/12/2020

Uthando: Mama Said: (Part 2)

So, a couple of weeks ago, I was minding my own business and I came across this trend on social media. I live under a rock ordinarily and I’m careful about what I consume from the social media streets, but I was curious. I must admit; it took me a while to catch onto what it was about but the more I clicked around, the more I saw, the more I understood what women meant. I don’t know who the originator is but I stan sister.

I mentioned in the first part of this post that I only feel like I’m becoming a proper human being (aka grown up) now and exploring life from the perspective of being a grown up has led me all the way in. I suddenly understand so much more of my Mama’s methods of teaching me, guiding me, loving me and disciplining me - and I am so much more appreciative.

I’m a highly expressive person by nature. I take care to give myself the room to figure out what’s happening inside of me emotionally, spiritually and physically (even if I Google search my symptoms sometimes - which isn’t always a good idea because for some reason the causes of the stomach cramps aren’t ever just indigestion or gas - it always seems fatal bro). Once I’ve taken the time to figure out what my feelings are, I always feel the need to express those feelings or act upon them (and when I say act - I mean with gusto, haste and so much depth). I also read a lot and I’ve come across many principles in literature that promote self-expression, such as: “in the end, it’s only the things you didn’t say that drive you crazy!” So, you can imagine what it’s like in my body - it’s a party fam! It’s a place where the only two options when it comes to expression are now or later. There is no room for non-expression because in my mind that’s just a recipe for madness.

But Mama said; many, many years ago: “once you’ve said something, you can’t take it back. Be careful what you say.” I understood her clearly when I was a child, but now I feel her! Now I have a deeper understanding of what she meant and her words just hit differently.

I’d always be so astounded by her ability to almost erupt inside yet turn around to treat the cause of her almost-eruption with kindness. I’d always be taken so far aback by how she showed up for people who hurt her or did right by people who did (and still do) her so badly and deeply wrong.

To be honest with you, I still trying to figure out how to balance this one because I know the effects of saying something (even though I had good intentions) and watching things burst all the way into flames as a result of that. I also know the effects of keeping things to myself (because I legit thought it was for the best) and watching things burst all the way into flames because of that. I wish I could ask my Mama (and my Papa a lot of times - because wow I miss the guy) what to do when every challenge arises, but Mama also said: “you’ve got to figure it out for yourself.”

At the times when she said those things to me, they were not in relation to love but they have unfolded to be lessons in love. They are pearls of wisdom I treasure deeply and refer to when I’m feeling challenged. They come as answers to my prayers when I feel like I’m about to flip out and I really want to burst.

And I’m grateful for all the things Mama said ♥️

07/12/2020

Uthando: Mama Said (Part 1)

So like... please look at how popping my mother’s hair is in this image? Like I can’t! And then take a moment to realise that we’re like totally the inspiration behind that Charlie’s Angels formation - because facts. And then have a look and check out how my mother, sister and I are like the same person in three different bodies (only I’m way taller then them now).

I look at this picture so often lately and think about the proverb that an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. This is crazy because my mother lives on apples - she literally eats one every day - and the proverb is truly fitting when it comes to her. Anyways, I think of these words as I wonder where the teachings we take into our relationships really come from. What are we individually taught and how does it translate to how we conduct ourselves in love.

It used to seem like such a far-fetched concept for me to consider because I didn’t feel like a fully fledged person (aka grown up) until recently. I didn’t see myself as a proper human and even though I’ve always understood that I am an individual in relationship, I didn’t fully consider how my internal wiring plays such a huge part in how the relationships I’m part of unfold. This is true for all of us: the things we are taught by those who raise us do so much to propel us into our respective futures.

What are some of the things you’ve been taught?

06/12/2020

Uthando

Navigating the earthly, physical and material experience of love is challenging. It’s incredible, it’s beautiful, it’s worth choosing over and over and over again; but it is challenging.

A perfect example is the image used in this post. I believe that certain things are meant to be kept sacred and outside of the spectrum of public knowledge for their preservation and protection, but I’m also a poetic coconut who believes in saying things how I feel them as an expression of living authentically. I’m okay with posting images of myself in different places on social media because I am what I am; but I’m not the only person in this situation and this picture so I had to be crafty.

My partner, on the other hand is differently wired, he comes with his own sets of beliefs and what is important to him in his expression of living authentically is founded in a different kind of make-up and conditioning. He’s not about social media (and I have come to truly understand why and respect that).

For the most part, we work well and have taken our time to unfold within our journey but there are challenges. Some of them are easy-enough to navigate and others not so much. How do we make it work though? How do we go about maintaining his anonymity and respecting his boundaries while giving me room to go about being me the way I want and need to be me.

I have been ignited with a curiosity to learn more about what it will take for us to find a workable middle-ground and what takes for other people to navigate love and make it work for them as I ask myself these questions. I’m really intrigued to know how a girl like me, who comes from where I come from and is challenged to love in a modern world whilst being deeply aware and appreciative of my cultural, ancestral and African roots is going to be part of living actively to build a constructive life as a lover.

The posts I’ll be sharing over the next while (I’m not sure how this literary adventure will unfold) will be delving into what it takes to make things happen and to make things work.

Peace and lovely things!

Makhosazane's Mind

28/01/2024

15/09/2023

27/04/2023

22/04/2023

05/04/2023

16/01/2021

22/12/2020

14/12/2020

07/12/2020

06/12/2020

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