08/27/2026
Two…or three…or four things can be true at once when someone passes.
I’ve recently experienced the passing of someone I once deeply loved - that many loved in the poi community.
Our relationship was put plainly, abusive and volatile but….that doesn’t mean it was all bad. He hurt me and that hurt is still very real, and very valid.
I’m sorry you had to witness and I had to experience the consequences of untreated mental health. I, too, have struggled and I know it’s hard to understand the right thing to do or say when you watch someone make the wrong choice again and again.
And I can’t tell his story, but I can share my experience as someone who lived with him.
But nobody ever talks about the grief you feel when someone like that dies.
Someone who both hurt you, and held you. What it’s like to hold space for yourself to grieve, even when it was complex.
In the end, I left out of fear many years ago. Fear that he’d hurt me. Fear that he’d hurt himself, and everyone around him.
But no amount of reasoning with him was possible. Many of us tried.
When word of his treatment to me became public without my knowledge, consent or say I was suddenly in the middle of the war of public opinion.
Was I a bad person?
Was he?
I don’t think battle of morality has any place in the conversation, nor are the conclusions strangers with parasocial relationships have drawn.
Being an influencer comes with a lot of scrutiny….something nobody teaches you how to cope with. we put our lives out there, but then people you don’t know suddenly expect access to you (or should I say demand.)
And any access they get becomes the subject of group chats. They watch our downfalls and wins from behind screens, some cheering on our failures and some rooting for a win on the sidelines.
My grief for my own experience, his and the community is complex, painful and something I will process for a long time.
When sharing stories of someone’s legacy the best thing you can do is to be 100% honest. Your grief is still valid even if they were an imperfect person….and victims abuse can still be valid and real when grieving.
Grief is often love with no where to go.
I am sorry to those who lost a friend, or an inspiration.
Thank you for having patience and understanding with me over the years as I navigated the hardest chapter of my life so far.
I know platforms come with responsibility, and felt it’s my responsibility to be open and honest, and for now…raw.
Many people have comments to make, yet few people know the Chris Kelly I did behind closed doors.
Speaking about this is exceptionally painful, but keep the focus on what we can learn from this instead of trying to deduct truths from 30 second videos. Everyone else so far has told my story - it’s time I tell it myself now that I am 100% safe in any way I want to and on any timeline I choose.
