08/31/2026
Needless to say, it has been a brutal August with the sudden deaths of a furry family member and a childhood hero who was family to me. I am really struggling with the grief. With grief comes shock, disbelief, rage, questioning the universe, several breakdowns a day, and desperate wishes this was a terrible nightmare. A persistent pounding in my head, an icy cold crater left in my heart and a burning black carcass festering in my stomach. Choking. Gagging. Retching. Feeling dead inside. This was too much to bear.
Beaker was the end of an era, the last of the first batch of cats we adopted as our children. He was just a kitten learning to trust us during his first few weeks outside before we welcomed him inside our apartment. He grew up with us and his kitty siblings. He healed the empty feeling I created for myself when I left teaching at the beginning of that year. His quirky personality influenced my next steps in what I wanted to carve out for myself. He also inspired a special project that John has been working on. His sudden cancer diagnosis stung us hard. His death gutted us.
Dolly's death and finding out she was secretly battling cancer along with other health problems absolutely murdered my soul. She was the one constant in my life since I was around five whenever sad events occurred in my childhood, many moves for school and career, broken personal and professional relationships, and thoughts of deep despair when I thought things couldn't get better for me. She was also there for me during the happy moments, accomplishments and achievements, finding love and friendship again, teaching me to believe in myself and encouraging me to use my purpose wisely.
There was a song for everything. There was a wise quote for everything. My life will never be the same. Now I have to refer to her in the past. I'm grateful I got to see her live in concert seven times in California and New York. I'm grateful I got to share my love for her with family and friends. All I have left are memories, photos, videos, albums, movies, TV specials, drawings, recordings, dolls and decor. She was supposed to live to 100 or forever. Beaker was supposed to share our home a few more years. Thomas misses his big brother. Lily misses the buffer between her and Thomas. We are all figuring out how to go on. We know we have to, but how is the hardest part of it all.
