A poet in the rise.

12/13/2023

Thinking back through all the memories thinking back through all the lies. None of the people I gave it to truly deserved my time. The pain that you caused the hurt I had to endure the amount I was broken is just some of the things I get to learn through. I know everything happens for a reason and for that I am thankful for but to find you sooner to not have to deal with the trauma of all their lies. I truly believe that if none of them would have happened I wouldn't be where I'm at in life. But I also know that you wouldn't have to fight so hard you wouldn't have to try so hard just to win my heart but I am forever grateful that you have stuck with me this far. I know it's not going to be easy and I know that you deserve the biggest part of my heart and one day you will see it just as long as you don't tear me apart. In the deepest part of my heart I know that you would never cause me that amount of hurt It has been so long that i have felt alive but you help me regain my life. Little by little you put the pieces where they belong and I thank you so much just for being so strong!

08/01/2023

Locked inside locked up tight. In this hole in the darkness in the cold bitterness of my mind. There is no escape from where I'm at. Behind walls behind mountains behind the most treacherous lands that you could ever encounter. This is where I sit and stay not looking for a way out because to a point I feel safe nothing can get past everything I've set up nobody could ever pe*****te the shield around my heart.

12/20/2022

Feel as I I'm talking to a wall might as well not be talking at all. Feel as if this is going down the drain and what we had is lost now. I don't understand I just want to breath and every time you get mad at me just for laughing or being myself for doing the grocery shopping and that's not even it. I'm so tired of feeling like im constantly defending myself and it literally goes nowhere but around in circles doing the same thing over again. I'm so tired of playing this game I'm so tired of my heart being broke to pieces. Tired of putting all of myself into someone and getting crapped on in return. I try so hard but is it them or is it me. Is it all in my head and I'm making it all up or maybe I'm just over reacting. Bur my whole being tells me I'm being fare because if they loved you they would cherish you for forever more. And I feel like that has yet to happen and I feel as if I'll just grow old alone and die. And to a point I'm kinda okay with that because I'm so tired of trying and getting shot down

12/17/2022

My heart feels like it's sinking into the pit of my stomach everything turned into knots and I feel this since of dread that is hanging over my head taunting me with what might be making me over analyze everything. The smallest little thing can set me off but I won't go so far to fall. I can't escape this feeling of pure sadness and betrayal..

10/13/2022

My heart is empty my soul is numb and I don't care if I'm ever found. In the darkness all alone I sit and ponder about the world. I go to work I come back home where it all hits me at once. Stuck in my head stuck in my thoughts and there all yelling at once. I can't focus on whats around me. Everyone wanting different things but all wanting to keep me safe. They have refused to let me fall again. I don't feel the things I felt before and I long to want that back will it ever be. I just want to trust and have but all I get is stabbed in the back. So now under lock and key in the darkness frozen if you look close you will see my heart barely beating.. but with all the walls that are built up around it I hope noone will ever take it again. It hurts so much just to think of all of the things that have happened. Broken smashed to pieces then to add to it the person who I thought was there to fix it almost did then tore it right from my chest threw it on the ground and gave it a good stomp. I don't know what I did to deserve this I don't understand what I did wrong. I thought everything was fine but apparently I thought wrong and you were just in it for I don't know what reason. You promised me you would never lie to me you promised that if anything was wrong you'd tell me. And you lied about everything you tore me to pieces.. and now I'm un reachable stuck in this freezing waste land

10/11/2022

10/07/2022

My heart feels like it's sinking my mind is racing. I just want to cry but the tears stay inside. I never thought I'd be here never thought I'd be without you but this pain that I feel just isn't shrinking. I try to act like it doesn't bother me that everything I had is gone but in all reality it hurts so much I feel numb I still can't fathom that you are gone not by my side not holding my hand not here every second to help me in this jurney I'm on.. everything that happened is it my fault or yours or maybe it was just a matter of time before it broke anyways. I keep thinking that ik you are the one but everyone around me keeps saying your not good enough. That I'm better and deserve better than what we had but my mind keeps taking me to all the great times we had at the same time I look and I see a lot of wrong things that should of happened but never came along. I can't help but feel that you wanted this to happen but at the same time I think no way it was meant to be. Maybe this was all meant to be and maybe it's time to be about me. I'm not broken but discouraged not mad but hurting. I pray and I pray that the answer comes soon before I am consumed by everything that the past has pact down apon me but at the same time I feel like there is new light in my life.. it's all so confusing and intense and I've had enough of it but on a different note I just want it back I just want those days to last. I keep asking why but no answer is to be found and I don't know why. I ponder and wonder what could have been but ik that I'll be better for this. My heart head and soul all fighting with each other and I just want to scream but my voice I can not speak can't be sad can't be glad all my emotions are being blocked out. I'm just going to go to sleep and maybe I'll wake up and this will all be a dream!! Breathing shallows and the thump of my heart almost stops but I can't let it so I give it a dose of electricity that I keep just in case things didn't work out the way we planned!!

10/06/2022

As my world crashes down around me I see all the things we where planning getting flushed down the drain. My heart feels like it's being ripped to shreds and my whole body is shaking. I feel as if I'm being shoved back into the darkness that I escaped from... The sea of sorrows is surrounding me..... I don't know what to do... I don't have any words to say... Other then Dame I feel broken.. my whole body hurts and I find it hard to breathe. I can't catch a break. Can't get the time of day. Just want all this to go away. The one thing I wanted the one thing i needed feels like it's being deleted. Like everything we have Said has been washed away.... They say the past is the past and ik it is but a future without you isn't one at all. I feel so foolish for falling for stupid games that people play. Can't ever just be happy. Something always has to ruin it. But I won't let it not this fu***ng time. I will fight for what I want cuz you are the only one I want. Ugh. I'm just at a loss for words and can't seem to find my way home...

09/14/2022

09/14/2022

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