10/18/2024
IMPORTANT reading for DV awareness month.
The less talked about traits of those who abuse, and how people enable them to continue.
October is domestic violence awareness month, and in honor of that, I would like to explore a reality that so many still struggle with while feeling alone. There's a reality of domestic violence, abuse, and predatory behavior that is one of the most lacking of awareness, understanding, and accurate perception. It's one of the parts you don't hear about as much, and even when we do, we still dont recognize when it's in front of us. This is one of the most damaging parts, and so many live in it alone today and wonder if somebody out there understands. In many cases of survivor stories about domestic abuse, sexual abuse or abuse of any kind, they all usually have something in common, which is how much of a nice person people thought their abuser was. We sometimes hear about those who abuse due to anger issues, and those who drink or use and that's when they are unsafe, and those are the instances which others usually see the danger, the warning signs, and the risk, sometimes even before the victim does. But what about the ones who are most dangerous when they are completely sober and in control? The ones who smile, charm, and say all the right things? The one with many acquaintances to vouch for them and a story for any warning sign brought to light. The ones who are usually at their worst to you, when others think they are at their best. The ones who are calculated and controlled, who put thought into everything they say, and every "friendship" they create and every piece of reality they switch around in conversation. Behind closed doors, they flaunt their connections and supporters in there victims face, saying, "Who will believe you?" while slandering the very people who have their back. They hurt and threaten and stalk their victims while painting them as unstable or saying they were trying to "help them" to others and appearing to "care" for them. They speak smoothly and lie easily, rewriting reality to whatever they prefer, and the masses believe them and look up to them. When their victim finally finds the courage to find help and safety, the crazymaking and isolation begin. I don't know if there is a word or a diagnosis that fits these types of people, as I think there are many. What I do know is that this is why woman, men and children stay, and this is why some of them don't make it out because they felt they could not escape the psychological torture, or because so many remained blind to what was happening to them and did not believe it was true, so there was nobody there to help them when the worst things happened, things most people couldn't even picture. It gets tiring to fight alone against things that people don't even believe are real. I don't know if there will ever come a time when people look past face value, or if they will always accept so willingly whats presented to them and form opinions based on it yet want to "stay out of the middle" when it comes to anyone correcting that misinformation. I just know that in so many instances, the abuser is enabled or given an easy excuse to rest things on for any small bits of reality that come into the light, such as when someone blames alcohol for things they did while completely sober. I know this isn't something that can automatically change, as people can't read minds and they often don't go through the effort to find out what's true because it's easier to just believe what's in front of them. Usually, those who have experience see through it right away, and those who don't never do. That's just the way the world works. The fact remains that many survivors live through things many wouldn't be able to handle for even a day, only to suffer the consequences for surviving and for leaving, not just by the abuser who becomes more diabolical and calculated after they leave, but by the community who believes and supports them and shuns the survivor. People believe they are doing something good most of the time, they have no idea because they don't believe the person they're supporting would ever do the things they do. Abusive personalities like this work hard to make sure to maintain that image of themselves and keep the other side far from eyesight, because as long as they have people who believe them and will speak positively of them, then they have a free pass to continue doing the same things and continue their abuse knowing that if someone tries to speak out, they have an army to discredit them. The places and people they choose are not random, its usually the same support systems they slandered and hated when the person they were controlling wanted to go and by them becoming involved there and showing how many people love and believe them, is showing that the promises they made are true, and creating isolation around their target. There is a level of malicious and intent behavior that remains unseen to the community and the person going through it reaches a point of no longer speaking out, because they know they won't be believed and feel defeated. This is like the saying that says, "They saw you dancing and thought you were crazy, but did not see the fire beneath the stage." Many have lost their lives due to this type of dynamic. Those who were only really heard after it was too late.
I didn't write this to open the eyes of people because I know it's a lot more complicated than that, and as humans, we usually understand things through having experiences. I wrote this because I know how many people have lived and are living this exact reality, and I know how incredibly lonely, painful and easy to lose faith it can be and if someone reads this and feels heard then I hope that can give them a little more faith to hold onto. You're not alone and the truth does matter 💜 Remember that the outside world may never know what you're fighting to protect your family or yourself from, because they only see an outside perspective, but you lived the inside of that. So never let the opinions of those who will only realize the truth after damage they SEE is done, stop you from PREVENTING damage from happening.
