08/16/2026
Doesn’t matter how u became who u are today, as long as ur respectful, abide the laws and treat people the WAY U WANT TO BE TREATED…not the way a lot of people treat u. Just remember when u finally find ur peace, keep it but spread the word. A lot of ppl including myself once upon a time believed there was no end to the pain. Then I realized (after 18 years of someone I should have trusted telling me this) that they cannot hurt me anymore. They cannot control me anymore. I don’t have to suffer in isolation anymore, I am not stupid, I will prevail and he will NOT abandon me!! I have so many issues with being in public n the way I think n communicate it makes it hard to make the correct decisions. I know right from wrong…BUT if someone tells me to do something n I feel it’s wrong n say so, N that person tells me to do it in a demanding way my PTSD triggers and I automatically do it. Not thinking of consequences but only I’m gonna get beat if I don’t do this. N I don’t think I’m afraid of the beating, I think it’s…I do not want to disappoint whoever! (My parents) it was always my fault n I felt like one big failure for my mom. I never heard her say “I’m proud of u!!” It was always either “no u can’t” or “ur grounded” and honestly I was a good kid; I never stole their car to take for a joy ride (like all my friends did), I did not do drugs (I tried bud one time, got caught n my 89 trans am was taken away n sold), I did not steal (not till my revenge), I did not have s*x till I was 17 (I married him), I held a steady job since 12, yes I had a bad attitude but not snotty n disrespectful, it was depressed n numb w a IDGAFF attitude. Why? Bcuz I was r***d by a 21 year old named Paul. I was 15 n a virgin n not even close to wanting s*x. I played sports, that was my world sports n art. When I went to my mom n told her w fear n tears in my eyes; her very first comment “what are u pregnant?”, im like huh? So I had no one I turned to self mutilation n writing poetry, dark poetry about a demon. My mom found my notebook w them in there n burned it. Told me never again to write like that. The softball travel team wanted me, they said no. Everything I enjoyed n was good at they denied n I was not a loud to grow. I was accepted to be an apprentice with the artist that create for Disney, my aunt lived in Orlando n said I could stay w her. I was told no. So now do u understand why I gave up and thought life was not for me. My best friend, mentor, older cousin…hero killed herself oct 25, 2005, she was the only positive in my life that supported me n accepted me n told me “I promise it will get bettter”, than why did she kill herself? Now do u see why i have no hope! I met my hubs when i was 15, right after the r**e. 1996 it was my great grandmother who sent me him. He is my rock!!! Now mind u my abuser is well over 6 foot, 350-400 pound farmer. My hubs is maybe 5 foot 7 or 8 160 pure muscle from the city. My abuser was at me in front of my hubs n my hubs went crazy at him. Telling him how dare u say that about her, u fu**ed her up so bad, pick on somebody ur own size…like me mo********er!! I was like wow that shut him up. Then I kept asking myself how do I forgive them so I can heal. N one day it clicked, I wrote a letter to my mom asking her why N how bad I turned out bcuz of her n her husband. Her husband had a daughter, 2 years older than me. She was (is) my best friend b4 our parents met. I was 3 she was 5, they married 6 months later against both us girls. The last memory I have of her living w us was my mom beating her up n threw her in the garbage can in the pantry. I was 12. Not only did I lose my best friend at 12 but my s***m donor disappeared then to n never heard from him since. I’ve seen him but he acts like he does not know me. I’m a parent now have been for almost 25 years, he’s done some pretty fu**ed up things…but I always promoted him n let him believe in himself n he can do anything he puts his mind too and I NEVER ONCE GAVE UP ON HIM!!! I am very proud of him n who he is!!! Seeing him made me realize I can do something right, so I started trying other things n I could succeed n be proud of myself. N I did!!! It’s a battle, but it was finally the end of the war.
