Vintage Vibes & Laughs

12/30/2024

"A few days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive guy about 28 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend.
So I accepted it. Then he started sending me private messages. He was very kind. He called me beautiful. He asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told him and reminded him I'm quite a bit his senior. And I let him talk a bit cos (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad.
We keep talking for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about 'adult things'. I said ok. Then he replied with a face like 👿. He said 'thank you babe, you start.""
So I did!
I told him adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep.
I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one!
I was waiting for him to answer me...
He blocked me. He wanted to talk about adult things and then don't take the heat!
I think I'm just a bit too much woman for him to handle! 🤷‍♀️
Copied and pasted before u dm me😂"

12/28/2024

"A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, ""You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss.""The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,""When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.""
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ""Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ""You can stay there until I let you out!""
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ""And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?""
""I don't know,"" he blubbers, ""but you can bet your ass it won't be cheerios 😄"

12/26/2024

"Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Patrol Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself,....
""This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!""
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,....
""Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?""
""Ma'am,"" the officer replies,....
""You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""
""Slower than the speed limit?"" she asked.....
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!"" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that ""22"" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
""But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."" the officer asks.
The old lady replied....
""Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."""

12/24/2024

"GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Reading what people write on their desks can teach you a lot.
😎 Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
9) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
10) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
11) Puppies have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
12) School lunches stick to the wall
13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) You find that one of life’s greatest mysteries is how a 2 pound bag of candy can make a person gain 5 pounds.
7) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
😎 Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
9) Just when you get used to yesterday, along comes today."

12/22/2024

Yes Boys and Girls this was YOUR GRANDMA 50 Years in High School....Really long hair and really short Dresses/Skirts. Oh and they wore this strange material on their Legs called "Panty Hose"

12/20/2024

"*NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS … EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE*.
An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ""I love you, Sally"".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: ""We've got to give it back.""
Sally said: ""Finders keepers.""
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. ""Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?""
Sally said: ""No.""
Jerry said: ""She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.""
Sally said: ""Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.""
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: ""Tell us the story from the beginning.""
Jerry said: ""Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..""
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: ""Let’s get out of here."""

12/19/2024

12/18/2024

"A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling 95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

12/16/2024

"After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.l
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out."