Hall Pass Diaries

01/23/2025

I remember sneaking out with my Brother and best friend Meg.

I remember whispers in the hallway of the school each day and not knowing what to say to the teacher about my physical demeanor.

I'll never forget my 4th period teacher requesting me to speak privately and everyone not being fully aware of everyday life.

I'll never forget the fear in the eyes of my teacher each time the bell rang to return home.

I remember the conversations with family and how things were so very simple yet so emotionally difficult to cope with during those years of highschool cheerleading rehearsals.

I remember everything and will never be able to fully recover from anything that took place after school.

01/16/2025

Can I survive and thrive within the shadows near a broken window beneath a bed where blood was shed lightly after arriving back from school.

I used to wonder to myself and never spoke often but these are passing memories of moments never ending deep within my soul seeking answers.

My life without doubt will never be the same and the remarkable blessing is my past school teachers or hardly anyone will ever have to know.


Renée Emerald

01/14/2025

I remember walking to the market with my back pack almost every week.

My Mother would send me out with a grocery list and after leaving the market I would stop the shopping cart to fill up the back pack.

I remember marks from the straps of the back pack and small cuts would be embedded within my shoulders.

I of course did the long walks back and forth due to the remarkable control of my parents.

My favorite part about weekly walks during those adolescent years and passing moments of wonder containing the ability to access the outside world far away from a cold closet floor.

Because even for a few moments it allowed me the opportunity to feel human and free for a few moments.

I could over here the radio there was placed above the refrigerator music would play from the kitchen from where my Mother was cooking near the balcony of hidden memories.

My belief is the straps added scars on to the road maps of scars and bruises that will forever linger but these are just memories still floating within dysfunctional back lawn in my life never ending.



Renée Emerald

01/10/2025

Dear Lord.

I love you and I'm just but we both know it's time for you to sanctify this wine.

I ask this prayer in a desperate time.

I'm a shadow on the vine of faith and time.

Dear Lord.

I felt the thunder in your love and shock in gloves given from you to me during my time of falling homeless.

I'm the shade of love you provided to the world and more but most of all in this world.

I'm everything in the middle of this universe celebrating your unconditional love without questioning anything.

I love you and thank you for allowing me the great challenge of allowing great unconditional love to enter within the center of my life without warning.

Thank you oh Lord for the tender mercy upon me and everyone who shared or shears my personal path before me .. Amen

Renée Emerald

11/10/2024

I sit up at night sometimes thinking of how electric extension cords hurt and bruise much harder than a wooden broom stick.

My soul and broken spirit will forever be tainted with embedded memories of being pushed into the middle of darkness.

I will never forget my school educator allowed me to sit on the floor during class and study in order to avoid further pain from the metal school desks.

I'm still the same person who existed between two different worlds and the one full of pain will forever be carried within the soul of me.

10/10/2024

I learned throughout the years and tender moments within my life there is no true way of recovering from abuse or neglect.

My thoughts and feelings are an extension cord hurts more than a wooden broom stick being broken over one's back.

I don't know if a full fist punch to my mouth caused me to undergo and recover from more than one dental surgery throughout my adulthood due to an infection in my mouth that developed during my toddler years.

My life is still continuing and my memories are fresh but learning to forgive family members has been a journey.

I have no regrets in spending nine in half years on and off in a closet floor room underneath a stairwell.

My life is a blessing and the blessing is my ex school educator never found out but always confronted me regarding my personal life.

I'm grateful and appreciate my life a little more each day but it's definitely still an ongoing journey as always!.🌷

06/17/2024

I spoke with a friend this evening about my childhood and realized how many years were spent on the closet floor underneath the stairway before as well as after school.

I'm aware everyone has their own way of upbringing and my memory is my oldest Sister became upset with our parents one afternoon.

My Sister yelled at my Mom stating the words that kid was raised in a closet until she was eighteen.

I remember them telling me it was for my protection and when attending school not to cause negative attention or make unnecessary waves.

My only responsibility was to attend school to learn and the responsibility of the school faculty members was to educate.

I could never explain and or expect anyone to understand exactly what it's like to have been raised in the manner my life was.

I stayed on the closet floor and returned back to the closet floor after school each day but it was normal for me well into the age of almost nineteen.

My life didn't have a room of my own and I couldn't sleep on a bed of my own until after the age of thirty.

Because my life was constantly changing and had different challenges since birth but do have family members who love me very much.

I'm forty one years of age and don't blame family for anything but everyone has their own journey as well as achievements to accomplish throughout their lifetime.

I feel extremely grateful for my life and close friends have always been there for me since 1994.

I was never taught how to drive and consider myself unique but after getting hit with a broken broom stick family took me to get a tetanus shot.

My life was full of learning and letting go of anger along with unnecessary confusion.

I spoke with the film director prior to the passing of my Sister and shared personal details regarding life during high school.

I'll never ever consider my childhood a horrible experience and it lead me to meeting the most extraordinary people.

I know without a doubt there will always be many questions and my soul will forever do everything to protect as well as provide the answers.

My slam book and hall pass diaries along with many more writings during the fall of 1996 well into the summer 2000 somewhat visible on my school alumni email account.

I was confronted by different HISD school faculty members and dedicated youth counselors could never ask the right questions or understand but they all played a special role in my formation into becoming an adult.

I would make $2 dollars and fifty cents of milk money per paper doing algebra as well as writing homework and writing poetry for fellow students.

My ghost writing side hustle was never anything serious and not being able to speak or chew throughout my youth gave me an advantage on listening as well as observing somewhat thoroughly.

I became a parent and truly believe that is all that matters at this point but life is what we make of it each day.

I'm very grateful for everything my life has survived through and thanks for sharing in the memories with me as always!.🌷🩵

06/11/2024