01/11/2026
Man... Crazy lady on the Blue Line train this morning at about 430am accused me of being CIA. White woman, 50s, pushing a wheelchair she didn't need.
I was sitting there, about 2 seats infront of her, minding my business, ignoring her rants, "Hey, are you CIA? You're CIA, aren't you?!" Crazy people talk - I ignore, but she kept on... I wasn't even acknowledging her til she started approaching me from behind. She pulled out a knife out on me, talking about "You're CIA! Leave me alone!"
Annoyed (and a little bored), I started to go along with her story. Because I'm a Groundlings-trained professional actor, I told her that "yeah, I am CIA and I have video footage of her doing drugs and committing illegal acts in my phone and we finally had enough dirt on her to send her to federal prison. I started talking into my collar like I had a microphone... "Affirmative. We do have eyes on the suspect." She starts screaming, "Noooo!"
Then told her I had operatives at the next station waiting to apprehend her. She starts crying that it was cold outside. I told her that "President Trump was tired of her s**t and shes going down!" Other homeless people and morning commuters on the train started laughing at our exchange. Its 4:30am! We were in the 1st cab. The train operator opened his little peephole talking about if we didnt shut up he was going to turn the train around. Crazy lady almost got us both thrown off the bus but the people spoke up for me.
Then I called her dirty, fat, ugly and unloved.
She got off at Willowbrook. I told her my operatives were waiting to arrest her, she starts crying and I lead her off the train like an usher or es**rt... then I stopped short at the door as the train departed. We left her on the platform screaming. And the train was calm again.