01/15/2024
LAST SUPER, my Lie and sins PLATE. License registration please!
entering my home after a long day of HOPING and holding a smile, the fresh smell of linen and ambiounce of fresh sun-light seeping thru the curtians and windows. instantly im overtaken buy sadness, fear, and hopelessness. i set my grocery bags down at my feet. i feel empty and a tear rolls down my nose. I gave up again. the only thing i can now approach for remainder of the sunlight is " I have to show more to prove i can have my table full again."
how can i prove "they" will forgive their dicision to judge my ability to parent my own creation, enough to want to add nurishment to those empty plates? the Flash Back of when i went shopping for those essentials and dishes to make the table look welcoming and the air to feel comfortabel i was so motivated and excited the reason i held that smile again.
HOME SWEET HOME. the Kitchen decor screams. but what is sweet besides the memory of once was? only problem is i can no longer add it to the table. (or is it fear, instead of believing possible visuals of living?) my groceries are planned out for meals to cook with "Love" and comfort with the knowledge my household is free and moving with a spiritual grace of LIFE.....ahhhhh i miss those days i can try again and harder tomorrow the plates will be there.
day after day the table plates and cups ,silverware and placements remain unused the airfreshners and incense are running low so it too fades and seems to be of emptiness. ugh as that step i take up the hill its one acre of stone for the whole day. do i add to that rock staircase or just decorate that one step....as i realize my mind overfills with wonder about this one step, i understand im doing it to ask for judgement from others, will they like it, how is the first impression, will they be in a satisfied nature, and why do i do what i do am i only pushing the phantom of wonder and unfaithfulness of what i do naturally.
what is valued at my super: is how i deal feeling about my decisions that i now place in that old faded light of what is now in the past. i can only learn and move with the spiritual guidence of the energy that makes awareness and shows attention to the knowlede of exisitance. it all has its reason and placement to take the plate and not just the spoon. what is left behind me is only a residue of yesterday teachings and lesson even if its clean or a mess again.
day after day i am begining to push it all away to seclude and disipline my self-worth. i finally start to bend to a degree of almost cracking i swipe the table clean "f**k this, it worthless, it hasnt been used for its purpose, this holds no value, what good is a fork if it not being placed it the mouth of the being that needs to eat." what good is the plate if it holds no value to the food and desserts that make our face and body express. WHATS THE USE? gosh what a waist of all that hard work just to make a few dollars to buy these cheap placemats at dollar tree. anger and knowledge of what is important popped up in my head as a flashing emergency warning like the ones on live broadcasting.
