02/05/2026
Just some thoughts i wrote after a client session
HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM MATTERS FOR EQUESTRIANS
Real and sustainable confidence (trusting one’s ability) comes from healthy self-esteem (believing in your own worth and value as a human). Confidence without this can be hollow, easily crushed, and certainly fleeting. A loss of confidence without an underlying foundation of healthy self-esteem can also catapult us into shame. Consequently coaches, self- talk, and sports psychology that focuses only on building confidence can, paradoxically, be devastating.
When you are in healthy self-esteem, your nervous system is functioning optimally and with maximum unfettered athletic and artistic ability. It can even withstand adversity, momentary poor performance, and mistakes.
Low self-esteem is the self-perception that our worth as a human being is less than that of others. It equals shame, and shame is perceived as danger by our nervous system because it means we are not good enough to be a part of the group. We are neurobiologically hard wired to want to be a part of the group. Women even more so than men. Our nervous system thinks our survival depends on being accepted and protected by the group. Sometimes our nervous system can’t distinguish between actual threat and the need for safety in numbers, and perceived threat. Shame can make us feel like we could die or like we are being hunted and have no protection.
On the other hand, when we have healthy self-esteem, we realize our intrinsic worth is neither less than nor better than anyone else's. We are eye to eye with others. Same as. We can make mistakes and hold ourselves in loving self-regard. We are intrinsically a part of the group and enjoy feelings of relative safety. Our performance does not dictate our worth as a human being. It’s like a dollar bill is worth a dollar no matter how worn or crisp it is, no matter who’s pocket it’s been in, or what it has or has not bought. It’s just a dollar. It is our birth right to be a part of the group. So, healthy self-esteem optimizes your nervous system and can allow for peak performance. Like a horse that really trust you and gives you that perfectly receptive "on" feeling in the warmup at a horse show.
Conversely, shame can make our nervous systems as chaotic and non-responsive as a horse that's freaking out being pulled away from its buddies. Or like the horse calling in the warmup. The buddies are its safety. The horse’s nervous system believes it could die being taken away from its friends. This is because horses are prey animals and find safety in numbers. The focus of the horse becomes completely self/survival centered. They can appear " annoying, mean", "dangerous", and be extremely hard to influence. They struggle to get control of their nervous system and it's hard for us to access them as well. The same thing happens to our neurobiology when our self-esteem plummets. We feel our worth is diminished and we go into shame. We can become totally self-absorbed (I’m such an idiot. I'm a horrible rider. I'm a fraud. I've wasted all this time and money. I let my horse, sponsor, husband down." you know the drill. And notice how it's really all about YOU!. We, like the frantic horse can become disconnected from our bodies, unable to perform well, harsh and impervious to those around us. In the heat of it, we can totally lack empathy. And even worse, if you’re experiencing shame and consequently feeling threatened, your horse will likely, pick up on this. If your empathy is shut down, this could be disastrous.
When we train horses, we are not just developing them athletically. We are also developing their nervous systems and helping them mature emotionally. We are teaching them to stay in connection and receptive through adversity and challenge. We don’t talk about this enough. To really develop as riders, we need to do the same thing. It starts with cultivating healthy self-esteem. It’s your birthright.
