08/20/2020
Do me a favor, world.
Don't worry about me. Do I worry about you and how you feel given your whining and complaining, world?
No.
Do I fret for your security? your well-being? when you don't care about your own security and well-being at your times of emotional display, world?
No, I let you do you, world. I let you mock me whenever you want because I know you can't help it. Why would I worry about you doing you and reminding me about me?
Why would I worry about this twisted harmony? I used to. Shiiiit, boa I used to tremble.
My knees would clack together because I worried that you calling me to speak in front of hundreds of people at the age of 8 was humiliating if not terrifying.
So yea I worried, I was worried because those faces out there didn't have the same Crayola smiles drawn across the faces of my apartment's posterboard characters. As a matter of fact, they had none.
There were just dark figures in the shadow of spotlights that blinded my face. Did you worry about me then, world?
Hell no
You demanded of me. I was the only person on the stage so the focus was on me. The light you shined on me illuminated the fingers in which I used to practice my performance gestures the night before. The silence beckoned me to speak. The encouragements from the crowd — "You can do it!" "It's alright, baby" "Come on, buddy" — were just exclamations of others' expectations and ignorant of the way that my knees were wobbling wildly. Everything was telling me to do something.
You didn't worry about me! Me! ME! And how I felt at that moment! I swear I was on the brink of collapse but you didn't want me to collapse, you wanted me to speak.
So, I spoke.
With no script, with inflection, with my hands, and with sensation - both the worry and dramatic interpretation, and I held on to it like my life depended on it. And in the end, people stood up and clapped. I hurried off the stage — my little ass wanted to get the hell outta there.
But there was a twinge of self-respect. A part of it was how I satisfied the audience and the other part was the power of my voice.
MY Voice and its range of interpretation was my saving grace; is my saving grace. It has led me to torment myself and heal my self. My voice speaks up, speaks out, and speaks in.
Why worry? You never wanted me to worry, world, you have always wanted me to say something. The day you worry about me is the day I leave this Earth; you will worry if the next life I have will be worthy of the magnificent spirit you cultivated. And by that time, I will be in another dimension unable to fully care about your worry.
So don't worry, world. Because you never did in the first place. I will bet my life on my voice and its range of interpretation time and time again.
So, I guess, what I am really saying is, don't worry self.