Let's talk about self harm

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Let's talk about self harm

A people-centric photo project that seeks to destigmatise conversations around mental health through their stories. by jogohstudio

09/03/2023

'Now I know better about what factors it takes for me to have pleasurable s*x, but sticking to that approach can be challenging when I'm struggling with relational grief...Being s*x-positive doesn’t excuse myself, or anyone, from putting in the time and effort to discover what works for you and what doesn’t, to understand yourself and the person you’re engaging with.

Because I’m worth it. And you are too.
Excerpt from 'A Summer Flung'
*x

07/10/2023

4 years later -
'After that whole experience, I realised that it’s very unlikely for me to have pleasurable s*x without a strong emotional connection. I’ll need to care about and understand my s*xual partner to some degree for me to enjoy exchanging so much energy with someone. I love physical touch as an activity to deepen connection, and I think s*x is such a powerful way to communicate — I do not want to squander my energy on dissociative s*x again.'
Excerpt from 'A Summer Flung'
Full piece on the blog
*x

06/20/2023

'Aside from the emotional release, it also felt like being able to sleep with these mediocre men allowed me to regain a sense of control that I didn’t have during my relationship. It wasn’t healthy, but these men were easy to read and even if it wasn’t pleasant, it felt like I was in control. I felt so effortlessly desirable, which was something I wasn’t used to feeling in my relationship. I approached dating with zero care because I approached myself with zero care. I wasn’t respectful or good at intimacy with another person because I had so little regard for my own needs.'
Excerpt from 'A Summer Flung'
*x

05/13/2023

'I remember the first time I hooked up with somebody after the break up. I matched with someone and within the hour, I was at their house. It was definitely unwise because I had barely talked to him, didn’t know him at all, and just decided to go to his house at 2am in the morning. The s*x was honestly so terrible. I had previously associated s*x as something wonderful, joyful, and pleasurable. And for some reason, I thought that the act of s*x in any context was just going to be that way — that it wasn’t going to be bad or painful, but it ended up being both.'
Excerpt from 'A Summer Flung'
*x

05/10/2023

"It began with the end of a 3-year relationship... But my initial reaction wasn’t grief; it was disappointment and anger. I felt I was never in control during the relationship, and I felt the same now again at the end... I felt so small and unwanted. That feeling pushed me to download Tinder even though I had no real desire to be on a dating app — and had never had any interest in dating in general for almost my entire adult life. But I knew dating around was something he had wanted to try, and as a response to my anger, I wanted to "beat him to it."
Excerpt from the latest submission 'A Summer Flung'
*x

05/04/2023

Our first anonymous submission will be under the pseudonym Euca, and it will be covering everybody's favourite topic. S*x.
Prelude: The topic of s*x has always divided many people, often along religious and political lines. Everyone’s entitled to a different level of comfort when it comes to s*x — whether that’s an extremely casual view, a celibate-til-marriage-view, or somewhere in between. What they are not entitled to, is to judge the respective comfort level of others. As a s*x-positive person (and therapist), I find myself saddened yet unsurprised around the increasing research surrounding a relatively unexplored form of non-suicidal self-injury [NSSI]: S*x as self- injury [SASI] (Zetterqvist et al., 2018).
How often have we heard the commonplace but woefully inadequate advice to cure a broken heart?: ‘just get rebound, a summer fling, something to take your mind off your ex’ — even if it makes your insides twist and has you feeling empty the next day. Casual s*x can be enjoyable, sure — but ignoring the emotional and physical cues that your mind and body tell you when using s*x as a coping mechanism can be detrimental to your health.
*x

04/04/2021

"For more than a decade or longer, I was under this notion that I was only innately good if I could check these boxes, if I was doing these things, and being an artist never fit into that… In the past when I’ve had a bad day or I’m feeling apathetic it could send me spiralling, and it could happen for any reason… I don’t know what else to do but watch TV until I’m ready to go to bed. But recently, I’m accepting that all of that is okay, because tomorrow is a new day, and the spiral just stops there… It was like something has broken off me, and gears shifted and started working. It has also been a mindfulness, to partner with … I don’t know — whatever that good work is inside, and partner with it, and bolster it. It’s okay that my gifts don’t fit into these boxes that I’ve built. It’s okay that my dreams don’t look like wise game plans for my life. That’s okay. As long as I stand on foundational truths for myself, I’ve managed to stop the lies before I tumble down, and now I’m standing on something sturdier than I was before."
- Courtney

04/02/2021

"The summer I got hiccup was probably the lowest I’ve ever been, and the healing process has been gruelling and slow, like constantly uphill, but I’m moving forward… The last few months have been the healthiest, most emotionally stable in the past 4 or 5 years. I was rejecting myself based on ideas of what I thought I should be, or what I thought a good christian was, or how I should exist, how I should suffer pain or deal with pain. These beliefs were causing me to reject myself, and it all came to a head when I quit Inter-varsity (her job), and that intricate framework of identity that I had been building for years crumbled, and I crumbled with it. Because that was it, that was everything, the perfect box. It was how I was going to be this idea of a good christian, and how I was going to be this idea of a loving person. A giant wave crushing down on intricate sandcastles that I thought were going to be sturdier than that."
- Courtney

03/27/2021

"I don’t know why that was my response to feeling like I had to exit from the world, but I knew it was the most approachable anchor to life that I could grasp at that point in time. In those low moments, I didn’t know how to reach out to friends and family, but saving and giving some helpless creature a home was the most accessible anchor to my desire to live, and to be healthy, and to be whole again, by nurturing and feeding another. Taking care of others is a baseline of mine, and nurturing others is a core belief. I couldn’t rise up to take care of myself , I couldn’t hurt myself or drink to get over it, and I couldn’t really invest in friendships or relationships in that moment, but I could drive 6 hours to pick up a kitten and bring him to his forever home. And that was enough of an anchor point to help me move forward."
- Courtney

03/25/2021

"I was drinking by myself, drinking too much, I wasn’t eating, drinking everyday when I was down. There was no joy…There was just this lack of hope and focus. I couldn’t follow through on commitments, like doing my laundry, or keeping my room clean, or just like taking a shower. They weren’t just everyday chores anymore, they were these monumental hurdles and excruciatingly hard tasks…— now they were painful. I didn’t know how to engage. Everyday was boring, meaningless, I felt like I was just going through the motions without caring about any of it."
- Courtney

03/22/2021

"I’ve always been really scared of depression — to clarify, I don’t mean I’m scared of people with depression, but that I’m scared of inheriting it… Everything changed when I stepped out of (Christian) Ministry … That broke my heart a thousand different ways. It felt like dreams of mine had died, like my identity no longer existed, or that I had made the tragic mistake of putting too much of my identity into my work, losing a sense of self along the way. All of a sudden, I didn’t have a vision for the future — for next week, next month, next year… Because that was my dream, and now it’s dead, and I’m still alive, and I’m not sure why."
- Courtney
Read the full piece at https://jogoh.studio/ltash-archive

03/20/2021

Dear Reader, It’s been a while hasn’t it? This letter ‘4. Small Life Hiccup’ is about my dear friend Courtney who I had a conversation with in September 2018 — I have only just finished it. Years have gone by and while I’ve been continuing to meet people, have conversations about self harm and mental health, I haven’t had the energy or mental framework to process them. In 2019 I had to haul my life across the Atlantic (dramatic but true). Unable to secure a work visa, I returned to a now foreign home, Singapore. I felt very lost the months prior to the move, and to some extent I still feel lost. And of course the world experienced a global pandemic. Maybe I’m just trying to make excuses for why I’ve allowed my art practice to fall by the wayside — I know I shouldn’t have to, but I do anyway.
As I poured more of myself into this project, I also felt a growing responsibility to the people who volunteer to be a part of it — to be able to handle their stories with tenderness and respect — this lead me to pursue a Masters of Counselling which I started at the end of 2020 so I can develop the skills I need to do right by the stories entrusted to me. As I listened to the recording of our conversation, worries and concerns about my productivity as an artist melted away. I found my heart rate settling. Courtney often has that effect on people — she’s a calming presence wrapped in a fiery love for all things human. So, here we go, to Courtney and her experience — someone I love and miss terribly.

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Chicago, IL

Website

http://jogoh.studio/ltash-archive

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