08/12/2026
We had this stupid little rule.
Never split the poles.
If one of us walked on the wrong side,
we had to go all the way back around
and fix it.
One day my stepson asked why.
And my oldest daughter said,
“So we don’t ever get split apart.”
God.
We really believed that.
You kids used to say it all the time:
“As long as we’re together, we’re home.”
And I believed that too.
I fought like hell
to keep us together.
And I still fight.
I fight people.
I fight courts.
I fight myself.
I fight through days I can barely get through
because some part of me still believes
there has to be something
on the other side of all of this
that looks like us.
I keep thinking if I fight hard enough,
if I keep going long enough,
somehow I get my babies back.
Somehow I get my life back.
But now when I split the poles.
I don’t turn around.
I don’t make anybody go back.
I just keep walking.
Because we got split apart anyway.
And maybe that’s what hurts the most.
Not that the little rule was stupid.
It wasn’t.
It meant something.
We meant something.
There was a time
when being together was enough
to make anywhere home.
And now I can stand a few feet away
from my own child,
say hey,
hear hey back,
and watch her walk away.
I still want my baby.
I still want my life back.
I’m still fighting for children.
Still trying to show them they belong.
Still trying to water them,
hold their hands,
give them some kind of guidance,
because nobody ever showed me much
besides the back of a hand.
But I’m tired.
I’m tired of fighting this hard
and still waking up without my kids.
I’m tired of people thinking
three years means it shouldn’t hurt anymore.
It hurts every fu***ng day.
Some days louder than others.
And now,
when I’m walking with someone
and a pole comes between us,
I don’t go back.
I don’t fix it.
I just keep walking.
Because once,
we thought walking around a pole
could keep us from ever being split apart.
And now I know
some things can break you apart
no matter how many times
you walk back around.