02/01/2017
Well well well long time no scream. Looks like your favorite amateur horror film critic got himself a fancy new page to play with.
Well don't mind if I do kiddos. Ya'll probably thought i wasn't coming back, thought your maestro in mayhem had forgotten about you. Your poor host lost all of his funding to a European-style torture device pyramid scheme. I did however get the last laugh and gave them the "chop". Now I'm back in the theater seat and ready to give you a little treat. So prepare yourself for the next installment of Grizzly Goremet where I, your host explores the depths of the horror unknown and lives to tell the tale! Your movies this week are Creature vs Chillerama.
Film: Creature (2011)
Director(s): Fred Andrews
Cast: Sid Haig, Mechad Brooks, Serinda Swan
Opening scene: Hanging moss parts as we glide over a Serene Louisiana bayou swamp. B***s. 23 second into the film and you're greeted with not only full frontal nudity but also several rump shots, really sets the focus for the rest of the film.
Alright lets get down to business. Creature is basically a rip-off of Hatchet (2006) and House of 1,000 co**ses (2003). Its about a group of people (2 sets of couples led by a brother and sister) who are headed to the gator infested swamps of Louisiana for a little R&R. Stopping for snacks at a backwoods general store they discover the legend of Lockjaw, which is essentially Louisiana's version of Big foot or Sasquatch. Yadda yadda yadda of course they go looking for it, and I'm not one to spoil movies for people, so I'll just say... stuff happens and there's some blood and b***s and roll credits. Okay now for my opinion of the film. It sucked. By it sucked I mean it wasn't the worst, but i wouldn't watch it again. Sid Haig (house of 1,000 co**ses, devils rejects) plays one of the store clerks, I was surprised to see he appeared throughout the films entirety. The Fx budget seemed legit, some good looking gore lots of blood, minor CGI, I can't really complain. Even Lockjaw, the dude in the monster suit looked O.K., so that isn't where Creature lost points. It seems like horror directors now-a-days just see and opportunity for a splatter fest so they say "who needs a good script!?" and "WHO CARES ABOUT DECENT ACTORS!?" we'll just add more blood and more tit shots and maybe the audience will have an aneurysm and forget about that stuff. Now I'm not saying my tastes in horror are better than anyone else's If you find fulfillment in cheap self-deprecating T&A horror flicks, that's awesome, you will never have to look hard for entertainment. I will say... movies like this have their place, but its rarely a place i'm excited to go. Grade: D+
Film: Chillerama (2011)
Director(s): Adam Green (Frozen), Joe Lynch (Wrong turn 2),
Adam Rifkin (Detroit rock city), Tim Sullivan (2001 Maniacs (2005))
Bear McCreary
Cast: Ray Wise (Dead End), Lin Shaye (Insidious), Tania Raymonde (Lost)
Opening scene: Flying and spinning through gravestones as we see the movies title. Cut to a bottle of liquor falling to grass next to a headstone. We find ourselves in a very Bella Lugosi graveyard, where a man is drunkenly digging up the co**se of his dead wife. After prying open her coffin the man spouts some resenting taunts and moves to pleasure himself with her body. To his and our surprise she sits up and bites onto his ge****ls, spewing a fluorescent blue goo.
So this is the start of the first film, which unfolds throughout the film. Chillerama is 4 short films, 3 of which are presented through the telling of the first film. I will review them in order.
1st Film: Zom-B-Movie: This film is the meat and potatoes of the whole movie. It starts with the graveyard scene depicted above and continues as you learn our co**se defiling drunkard is late for work at Kaufman's drive-in movie theater. It is closing night at Kaufman's. Failing attendance due to hi-def-at-home movie watching has put them out of business. The man who is now infected with a zombie virus through the wound on his missing "bean sack" as he calls it, is in the stock room of the theater getting his blue zombie goo in the refill can for the buttery popcorn topping. The first movie to show at the drive-in is also the second short film of the movie. (We'll conclude Zom-B-Movie at the end)
2nd Film: Wadzilla: Wadzilla is about a giant s***m attacking New York city. A man suffering a low s***m count visits his doctor (Ray Wise) and is recommended "Spermopremy", an experimental and radio-active new drug for such ailments. You guessed it Spermopremy causes the mans s***m to enlarge and a struggle for survival ensues as his s***m eats people and destroys the city. So you may have noticed by now that these shorts are meant to be funny, and they are. Everything is over the top and done with a comedic tone. The special effects are very diy and are done so for comedic effect. I loved it. Grade: B
3rd Film: I was a teenage Werebear: This short was a musical set in southern California in 1962. It's about a young man named Ricky who is pressured by a female admirer, Peggy Lou, to commit himself to her emotionally and physically. But Ricky is distracted by shirtless guys on the beach. In particular a group of greasers led by Talon and his lackeys Dan and Dan. As it turns out Talon and gang are a group of Werebears, homosexual transformers. Upon arousal the transformation begins, clothes are stripped to mere leather speedos and studded chokers, with black noses and hairy faces. Ricky is bitten on the rear by Talon and contracts the Werebear curse from him. This movie is really bizarre, but fits the absurdity that is the movie collective, so Ill cap it off by saying this short ends with impaling by silver d***o. Enough said, moving on. Grade: C
4th Film: The diary of Anne Frankenstein: Obviously you know what the premise of this short was a spoof on. Adolf Hi**er (Joel David Moore) finds the top-secret scientific journal of Victor Frankenstein who was the grandfather of Anne Frank. The Franks dropped the "enstein" from their last name after the ghoulish atrocities committed by their late grandfather. With the journal now in his hands, Hi**er plans to build a terrifying un-dead creation to help him crush his enemies and conquer the world. Hi**er creates Meshugganah, a bulky, patchwork Jew and teaches the monster to move and think. Meshugganah retaliates and kills the Nazi's and Hi**er. I enjoyed this short, I thought the idea was pretty original and it was the least bizarre film in the bunch. Not that there's anything wrong with bizarre. Grade: B-
Alright, this brings us the the finale of the first and all encompassing film Zom-B-Movie. Keep in mind in between each showing of these other films it cuts back to the characters in their cars watching at the drive-in. Throughout the length of the movie you slowly see the spreading of this zombie virus to various customers and employees of the drive-in, and here at the end of the film you see it to fruition. Blue goo, naked and partially clothed zombies hu***ng everything and everywhere, general chaos. This movie is pretty solid all the way through. If you don't get offended easily, and a good method to check is to watch any movie by Lloyd Kaufman. If you're appalled then Chillerama isn't for you. I have a special demented place in my brain for such shock and insult, so I say cheers and bring me some more. Grade: B+
