03/22/2025
This.Rocks.
Eleanor of Aquitaine. She was queen of France, then queen of England. And she led a Crusade. And tried to overthrow her husband. And …
--On This Day in History S**t Went Down: March 21, 1152--
She was born sometime around 1122 to 1124, the daughter of a rich and powerful duke (of Aquitaine, duh). As his heir, the duke ensured Eleanor was well educated in … lots of stuff. Daddy duke died in her early teens, and she inherited and became the most eligible bachelorette in Europe. So the French king (a Louis) said ima marry her to my heir (another fu***ng Louis, because of course) and make my house more powerful.
She was married in 1137 at the age of either 15 or 13 both are gross but this was the dark ages oh wait there are still places in the U.S. where girls that young can be married wow that’s fu**ed up. Anyway, her husband’s dad died a week after the wedding and hubby became Louis 7 and she was queen of motherfu***ng France. But people in Paris didn’t like her. She had an attitude and dressed like a total slut, they said. But Louis was smitten.
A decade later the marriage was on the rocks. They’d become estranged and decided hey let’s go to the Holy Land and kill infidels together. That will save our marriage. But the Crusade was a failure and, big surprise, it only made things worse. It didn’t help that there were rumors of Eleanor being an uncle fu**er. Eleanor was all f**k this marriage I want an annulment. But the pope said nope you need to keep fu***ng each other and have a son. They tried and had a second kid together but it was another daughter and the Church said fine Louis is your third cousin once removed that’s enough reason for an annulment (laughs in Habsburg). The marriage ended on March 21, 1152. But the kids were still legit, Louis got custody, and Eleanor was a strong independent noblewoman gonna go do her own thing.
And her thing was to propose to the Duke of Normandy and he said yeah and they were married eight weeks after the annulment and two years after that her new husband became Henry II king of England and she was queen oh wait Henry was a closer blood relation than Louis f**k it who cares? Then she really started popping out the sons. Five of them. Plus three daughters. After a couple of decades of marriage, she was sick of Henry and supported her son (also Henry) in a revolt against his dad but that failed and she spent 16 years in prison until her husband died and her son (Richard the Lionheart; son Henry had s**t himself to death six years earlier because antibiotics didn’t exist yet) let her out of prison.
Then Rich went on the Third Crusade and Eleanor ran England for a few years. Richard died in 1199 but Eleanor lived another five years while her other son John was king.
Get both volumes of ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY S**T WENT DOWN at JamesFell.com/books.
