08/21/2026
These were the only photos from highschool/early adulthood that I could find. I've always loved playing with color and light in art. Some of these were simply edited in whatever program I had at the time. The last, is just a long exposure I took sitting on the tailgate of my dad's truck.
I think part of why I'm sharing these is an awakening within me. Learning to give the teenage version of me the voice and presence I felt I didn't have.
I'm the okayest I've ever been, but I'm also drowning in grief.
The grief of not just what I've lost, but of what I never had. My sister passed away recently and witnessing the grief of her children, I realize I share in it. Not the grief over the loss of my sister, but the grief of not having my mother.
Ironically, I have two mothers who are still living. One, who birthed me, chose a man and drugs over her children and, despite her attempt to do the right thing, abandoned me.
The other, who raised me, was cruel and physically and emotionally abusive. My dad, while kind to me, was a "functional" alcoholic who, when he wasn't pretending my mother wasn't hurting me, was completely passive in his marriage and in being a father.
I've made my peace with their actions. I know it was never my worth, but their capacity that was lacking. But it doesn't change that I have felt the absence of a loving parent my entire life. It doesn't change that no one was there to hold me when I was hurting. That showing anything other than neutrality was actively punished.
I'm trying to unlearn that within myself. There's an invisible grief of having to parent yourself.
The recent loss of a relationship has opened the flood gates of this grief. I'm scared for what's happening in our world and in our nation. I feel like I'm failing myself, my animals, and my community. I'm trying to be honest and gentle with myself while I hold decades of old grief and try to navigate the feelings of current circumstances.
My stomach hurts. I'm tired.
