Jay Newman, Writer

Jay Newman, Writer I'm an award-winning trivia and humor writer looking for a book deal or a full-time gig.

~ CASH OUT ~I’m working on one of my favorite stock articles for the 40th edition, “Uncle John’s Stall of Shame,” about ...
06/11/2026

~ CASH OUT ~
I’m working on one of my favorite stock articles for the 40th edition, “Uncle John’s Stall of Shame,” about the “creative ways people get into trouble with bathrooms, toilets, toilet paper, and other bathroom accoutrements.” Here’s a fun entry from a few books ago.

DUBIOUS ACHIEVER: Timothy Sled, 38, of Kingsland, Arkansas
CLAIM TO SHAME: Shooting the Man in Black…just to watch him p*e
TRUE STORY: Kingsland (population 514) is the birthplace of country music legend Johnny Cash. That’s why there’s a silhouette of Cash holding his guitar painted on the water tower—about 150 feet off the ground. In May 2022, Timothy Sled aimed his rifle toward the “Ring of Fire” singer’s midsection and fired one shot. If his desire was to make it look like Cash was p*eing, he was successful, as a steady stream of water started leaking out from just the right spot. As amusing as it may have looked, it wasn’t funny for the townsfolk, considering the tank holds most of their water and the leak caused a loss of 30,000 gallons per day. Because Johnny’s leak couldn’t be plugged from the outside, workers had to wait for him to finish up before they could go inside the tank and fix it. The leak continued for more than a week; in the meantime, residents had to deal with reduced water pressure and, in some cases, brown water. The water loss cost $200 per day and the repairs another $5,000. “That might seem small in bigger places,” said Mayor Luke Neal, “but for somewhere like here it’s a pretty large number.”
OUTCOME: Sled was still awaiting sentencing at press time, but was facing two felony charges that carried fines of up to $20,000 and 16 years in jail. (Uncle John believes the shooter should have to pay…in cash.)

************
Excerpt from the article, “Uncle John’s Stall of Shame,” by Jay Newman. Originally published in “Uncle John’s Weird, Wonderful World Bathroom Reader.” Copyright 2022 Portable Press.

I wrote a coloring book!Sounds weird, but it’s true. Ten or so years ago when I was a Developmental Editor, I came up wi...
05/06/2026

I wrote a coloring book!

Sounds weird, but it’s true. Ten or so years ago when I was a Developmental Editor, I came up with the idea of a patriotic coloring book called “America the Beautiful.” Every picture would be accompanied by history, facts, and quotations. Last year, I was hired to write the manuscript. And as of May 5, it’s finally available! Deets below.

~ MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU ~On this   Day, I want to celebrate my favorite melody of all time. NEVER FORCE A THEMEStev...
05/04/2026

~ MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU ~

On this Day, I want to celebrate my favorite melody of all time.

NEVER FORCE A THEME
Steven Spielberg called John Williams “the best musical storyteller of our time.” The two men have worked on more than 20 films together. Yet no score that Williams has done—before or since—has had as much impact as the music he composed for George Lucas’s “space movie.”

Williams utilized a time-tested technique for Star Wars: the leitmotif. Popularized in Richard Wagner’s “Ring Cycle” in the 19th century, a leitmotif is a recurring theme assigned to a specific character, used intermittently throughout a work. Interestingly, very few Hollywood films used the leitmotif to its full potential up until that point (with a few notable exceptions, such as Max Steiner’s Gone with the Wind).

In Star Wars, however, Williams took the leitmotif to the next level, assigning themes not only to individual characters, such as Luke Skywalker (that one is also the main theme), but for abstract concepts such as the Force.

At its core, the “Force Theme” is a basic melody in a minor key, utilizing very few notes. The theme is heard not only whenever the Force is mentioned, but during the most intense emotional scenes: As Luke stares at the “Binary Sunset” early in the movie, the theme is introduced with a single French horn, invoking longing, and then crescendos with a full string treatment, invoking hope. The theme returns when the Rebel ships attack the Death Star and Luke uses the Force, and finally, when the heroes receive their medals, the same set of notes is heard in the “Throne Room” march that concludes the movie.

The “Force Theme” would go on to become an important part of the sequels and prequels, helping to tie the saga together. Just think of Luke at the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back, hanging by his feet in the ice cave and trying to reach his lightsaber. He shuts his eyes, extends his hand—and there’s that theme, so familiar that you may wonder if Luke could even use the Force without it. That’s the power of Williams’s “musical storytelling.”

*********
Excerpt from “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Music.” Copyright © 2009 Portable Press.

05/01/2026

American broadcast television debuted in 1951. The Simpsons debuted in 1987. That means The Simpsons has now been on air for more than half of TV’s existence.

~ HAPPY EARTH DAY! ~Here's the lesson we can learn from the great Juliane Koepcke: If we're nice to nature, it will be n...
04/22/2026

~ HAPPY EARTH DAY! ~
Here's the lesson we can learn from the great Juliane Koepcke: If we're nice to nature, it will be nice to us. Strap yourself in for one of the most harrowing stories you'll ever read!

SHE FELL FROM THE SKY
It was the deadliest lightning-caused plane crash in history. But from that tragedy emerged the incredible true story of its only survivor, a 17-year-old girl…and the rainforest that saved her life. Years later, she would return the favor.

THE CRASH
Just before noon on the muggy Christmas Eve of 1971, a German Peruvian teenager named Juliane Koepcke and her mother, Maria, boarded LANSA Flight 508 in Lima, Peru. After a one-hour jaunt over the Amazon rainforest, they would get off at the first scheduled stopover in Pucallpa. Their final destination: Panguana ecological research station, in the heart of the jungle. Maria and her husband, Hans-Wilhelm, had established the station three years prior. The famous German biologists were raising their daughter there, and the family was eager to spend Christmas together.

A few days earlier, the fair-skinned, blonde, bespectacled teen had graduated from a German high school in Lima, and she’d persuaded her mother to let her stay an extra few days to attend a dance and her graduation ceremony. Her father didn’t want them flying LANSA given the airline’s poor reputation, but every other flight was sold out. Flight 508 was taking place on LANSA’s last remaining working aircraft, a Lockheed L-188A Electra turboprop (later revealed to be made entirely of spare parts from other planes) that carried 95 passengers and crew. Juliane sat in the window seat of the second-to-last row, her mother sat in the middle seat, and a Peruvian man on the aisle.

They were about 20 minutes from landing when the blue sky turned dark. The pilots, feeling the pressure of keeping holiday schedules, made the fateful decision to fly through a thunderstorm—which that particular plane was not designed to withstand. As lightning lit up the sky and everything started shaking, overhead compartments popped open, forcing luggage and Christmas presents to fly about the cabin.

Then Juliane saw a flash strike the right wing! “Now it’s all over,” said her mother, as other passengers broke into screams. Nearly two miles up, the aircraft went into a nosedive…and then it all came apart. The last thing Juliane remembered was being all by herself in the stormy sky, strapped in to the three-seat bench as it spun like “a falling maple seed” toward the “broccoli and cauliflower” jungle below. Then she passed out

THE LANDING
Juliane’s bench came to a rest, right side up, on the muddy forest floor. She slipped off her seatbelt, fell to the ground, and then lay “like an embryo,” slipping in and out of consciousness until Christmas morning. She awoke in a daze, soaked in mud. The dense canopy of vine-filled trees—which must have cushioned her fall—didn’t keep the rain off.

More in shock than in pain, Juliane knew she had a concussion. She was bruised all over. There were deep gashes on her arms and legs. Her collarbone was broken. She’d torn the ACL in her knee. One eye was swollen shut, while the other opened only to a slit. Worse yet, her glasses were gone and she was nearsighted—everything around her was a blur.

Despite that, as she recalled years later, “I recognized the sounds of wildlife from Panguana and realized I was in the same jungle.” A self-described “jungle child,” Juliane had been taught by her parents not only how to survive in the rainforest, but how to not be afraid of all the things that bite and sting.

Juliane tried to stand up, but couldn’t. She crawled around for a while, calling for her mother. As Christmas night fell, the concussed 17-year-old stayed near her seat and shivered more than slept. By the next morning, she was still in a fog but becoming more aware. That’s when she realized that she might never be rescued. “I was convinced that I would surely die.”

After searching unsuccessfully for her mother or any other survivors, Juliane heard something that gave her hope: running water! Her parents had taught her that if she were ever lost in the rainforest, she could follow the course of running water and eventually encounter other people. The high school graduate set her sights on getting back to her family’s thatched hut, where their German shepherd, Lobo, and her parakeet, Florian, would surely be waiting for her.

THE JOURNEY
Wearing only a torn sleeveless minidress and one sandal, Juliane started limping down a tiny stream, knowing it would eventually take her to a creek, then to a river, where there would be people—or at least a clearing where search planes could see her.

Her only food: a small bag of candy she’d found among the wreckage. (She’d also found a Christmas cake that was so muddy she didn’t take it with her…which she later regretted.) Being the rainy season, the trees weren’t bearing any fruit. And she had no knife to cut husks, or any way to start a fire.

At night, she tried to sleep under leaves, but the rain washed them away. She later wrote, “Ice-cold drops pelt me, soaking my thin summer dress. The wind makes me shiver to the core. On those bleak nights, as I cower under a tree or in a bush, I feel utterly abandoned.” When it wasn’t raining, the mosquitoes feasted.

The sounds of the search planes ceased after a few days. As her concussion cleared up, Juliane remembered her survival lessons. With her eyesight compromised, she poked a stick in front of her in shallow water, where biting piranha and venomous stingrays lay in wait. In deeper waters, she knew that the alligator-like caimans make big splashes, but they don’t really go after people, so she stuck to deep water when possible.

On the fourth day, Juliane followed the sound of vultures and made a gruesome discovery: a bench from the plane, just like the one she’d been strapped to, partially buried upside down in the mud, with three sets of legs (two men and a woman) sticking up. Even though it didn’t make sense, Juliane had to make sure the woman wasn’t her mother—this woman had polish on her toenails, something her mother never did. “I moved on after a while, but in the first moment after finding them, it was like I was paralyzed.”

It took nearly a week, but Juliane finally found a muddy river, albeit an uninhabited section. She waited and waited for a boat. Nothing came, so she slowly made her way downriver, walking along the bank where she could, swimming the rest of the time. After surviving only on rainwater for days, the growing teenager was growing weaker. She knew she had to eat something, so—still in shock—she tried to catch poison dart frogs. Thankfully, she was too slow to get one. Four more days passed.

THE RESCUE
Eleven days after the crash, Juliane woke up on a small sandy riverbank. A few feet away in the water was a small fishing boat that she hadn’t noticed earlier. At first, she couldn’t believe it was real. No one was around, but there was also a path leading up a small embankment. “I tried to negotiate it, but I had grown so weak, that even by crawling on all fours, I couldn’t manage to overcome this little slope. It probably took hours, but I finally made it.”

Juliane found an empty hut, with no walls but a roof. She was going to spend the night there, but the floor was too hard, so she made her way back to the riverbank and slept there.

The next morning, Juliane realized that she lacked the strength to keep going downriver. Plus, her arm wound was infested with maggots, and her back was severely sunburned. She’d been attempting to remove the maggots from her arm with a stick, but in the hut was a container of diesel fuel for the boat engine, which she used to flush the wound (as she’d once seen her father do to the family dog when it suffered a similar wound). Then she decided to stay in the hut, where she would wait and hope for rescue.

Just then, she heard somebody coming! Three local fishermen approached on foot. They were shocked to see a filthy, bruised blonde girl with bloodshot eyes (they’d been that way since the crash). As she later recalled, “They thought I was a kind of water goddess—a figure from local legend who is a hybrid of a water dolphin and a blonde, white-skinned woman.” But Juliane, who’s as fluent in Spanish as she is in German, told them, “I’m a girl who was in the LANSA crash. My name is Juliane.” The men fed her and tended to her wounds.

The next morning, they took her on an 11-hour river trip to the nearest village with a hospital, where she began her long recovery. An investigation would later conclude that as many as 14 people survived the initial plane crash (which finally put LANSA out of business), most likely thanks to updrafts in the thunderstorm and the cushion of the dense trees. But 17-year-old Juliane Koepcke was the only crash survivor who also survived the jungle.

THE BACKLASH
In the aftermath of the crash, Juliane became a worldwide celebrity. But instead of being applauded for surviving a two-mile freefall and 11 days alone in the Amazon rainforest, she was mocked and even vilified—especially in Europe. The German magazine Stern bought exclusive rights to her story, and then implied, according to the New York Times, that she was “arrogant and unfeeling.” Even worse, the infamous 1972 Italian film, Miracles Still Happen, portrayed Juliane as a dolled-up, ditzy blonde who screams at every apparent danger and basically stumbles her way to safety.

Meanwhile, the real Juliane was trying to deal with the grief of losing her mother in a horrific plane crash that she herself had survived. The nightmares alone were almost more than Juliane could handle. “The real mourning set in way later,” she told Vice, “because after the crash I was constantly being interviewed and interrogated by the air force and police…I couldn’t take the sudden fame very well.”

She stopped giving interviews for nearly 20 years—and might have stayed silent longer had she not received one of the strangest requests in the history of documentary filmmaking.

THE REDEMPTION
There was one stunning coincidence that had taken place on that fateful Christmas Eve of 1971. Werner Herzog, at the time a 29-year-old German filmmaker who would later rise to fame with such classic documentaries as Encounters at the End of the World and Grizzly Man, was also originally booked on LANSA Flight 508. His reservation was canceled when he changed his itinerary and booked a later flight to scout locations for a film he was working on.

After the crash, Herzog became obsessed with Juliane’s story, but was unable to track her down until 1998, when he asked her to take part in a German TV documentary called Wings of Hope. Juliane agreed, and they returned to the crash site in Peru and retraced part of her route out of the jungle. In the film, she matter-of-factly tells her tale as it all comes back to her, occasionally trailing off in thought. Herzog, as he’s known to, inserts himself into the story. “The casual way she dealt with the mosquitoes and other vermin,” he narrates in his distinctive German accent, “was the first thing that struck us about Juliane.”

Thanks to Wings of Hope, and to her 2011 memoir, When I Fell from the Sky, the world now knows what Juliane Koepcke did. Those two sources provided much of the information for this article, but in recent years, Juliane has given several more interviews—not so much because she wants her own story to be told, but because she knows that by telling it, she can do some real good. “On my lonely 11-day hike back to civilization, I made myself a promise,” she told the New York Times on the 50th anniversary of the crash. “I vowed that if I stayed alive, I would devote my life to a meaningful cause that served nature and humanity.”

LONG LIVE PANGUANA
After losing Maria in the crash, Hans-Wilhelm and Juliane channeled their grief into trying to save that portion of the Amazon from logging. The situation was dire: according to the World Wildlife Fund, “Roughly 1,100 square miles of Peru’s forests are cut down every year—around 80 percent of them illegally.” While Hans-Wilhelm lobbied the government for official protection in the 1970s—without much success— his daughter continued her field studies in Panguana, first studying butterflies for her graduate thesis, and then bats for her doctorate in mammalogy. In that small patch of jungle alone there are 56 bat species, more than twice in all of Europe.

In 1989, Juliane married entomologist Erich Diller, and has since gone by the name Dr. Juliane Diller. She splits her time between Peru and Germany, where she retired as deputy director at the Bavarian State Collection of Zoology in Munich.

Juliane took over as director of Panguana in 2000 following the death of her father. In 2011, after tirelessly lobbying the public sector, and fundraising in the private sector, her perseverance paid off: the Peruvian government finally designated Panguana as an official conservation area. Now a hot spot for scientists from all over the world, with the help of corporate donors Panguana has grown from its original 445 acres to more than 4,000. And all with the cooperation of the Indigenous Asháninka, who live in a nearby village. The researchers are teaching the locals how unique this particular rainforest is in the world.

In addition to the bats that still have a home thanks to the efforts led by Juliane, also spared from the harvester were 500 species of trees, 160 species of reptiles and amphibians, 380 species of birds, 7 varieties of monkey, and 100 species of fish, along with thousands of species of insects.

And all those years ago, when a battered teen was all alone in that jungle, not a single one of those plants or animals kept her from finding her way home. Juliane will never forget that. “The jungle is as much a part of me as my love for my husband, the music of the people who live along the Amazon and its tributaries, and the scars that remain from the plane crash.”

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Article by Jay Newman. Originally published in “Uncle John’s Action-Packed Bathroom Reader.” Copyright 2024 Portable Press.

~ MOO ~MOO: One morning in 2012, commuters in Rayburn, Pennsylvania, got stuck in a traffic jam when a cow and a bull de...
04/21/2026

~ MOO ~
MOO: One morning in 2012, commuters in Rayburn, Pennsylvania, got stuck in a traffic jam when a cow and a bull decided to have “relations” in the middle of a busy intersection. Police tried shooing them away, but, according to reports, “That just got the bull mad and it started to escalate.” Game officials arrived and steered the couple into a private trailer.

MOO: In 2012, a cow named Sadhana and her “bullfriend” got married in a lavish wedding ceremony in Guradia, India. More than 1,500 guests attended. Reason for the wedding: Sadhana’s owners were unable to have children, so without a daughter to marry off, the well-to-do couple married off their cow.

MOO: An 18-year-old thief wearing a full-body cow costume stole 26 gallons of milk from a Walmart in Garrisonville, Virginia, in 2011. Witnesses recalled seeing him exit the store “on all fours.” Hours later police apprehended the human cow “skipping down the sidewalk” in front of a nearby McDonald’s.

MOO: In 2012, a cow named Darcy walked up to a McDonald’s drive-through window and just stood there. Her owner—Sandy Winn of Brush, Colorado—told police that Darcy had walked the half-mile to the McDonald’s because she “just likes attention.”

MOO: Why did a cow climb five sets of stairs in an apartment building in Lesogorsk, Russia? She was running away from an excited bull that was chasing her through a field. According to reports, the frightened cow “had to be lassoed and virtually dragged to the lobby while mooing in protest.”

MOO: In 2011, a two-year-old boy named Tha Sophat got sick while staying at his grandfather’s farm in Thailand. He wouldn’t eat or drink, and his condition worsened...until he began suckling
milk straight from the cow’s udder. The cow didn’t seem to mind, and after a month of nursing, Tha was better. “The neighbors say he will be ashamed when he grows up,” the grandpa told Reuters. “But his health is fine. He is strong and he doesn’t have diarrhea.”

************
Article by Jay Newman. From “Uncle John’s Fully Loaded 25th-Anniversary Bathroom Reader.” Copyright 2012 Portable Press.

Image credit: “The Far Side” by Gary Larson. 1984 FarWorks, Inc.

~ THE OVERVIEW EFFECT ~I’m loving this amazing photograph of our pretty planet taken by the Artemis II crew. Today, they...
04/06/2026

~ THE OVERVIEW EFFECT ~
I’m loving this amazing photograph of our pretty planet taken by the Artemis II crew. Today, they will travel farther from Earth than anyone has gone before! Wouldn't it be awesome to leave Earth's orbit once in a while? Here’s an excerpt from my feature, “We Are All in Space.” It was inspired by this observation from NASA astronaut (and first water-color painter in orbit) Nicole Stott, when she first gazed out of the space shuttle’s window: “You really realize very quickly that we, and our planet, are small. We’re not that far away from each other. We all share the same ‘planet in space.’ When you take the time to think about it, that ‘we’re all in space’ part is pretty compelling.”

That’s the “Overview Effect” in action. Here’s some background, along with the bittersweet tale of the first human being who ever had this otherworldly experience.

*********************

Do you remember the first time you gazed out of an airplane window? No picture or movie could have prepared you for the actual experience of witnessing the trees, roads, and buildings shrink beneath you. Whether you realized it or not, your worldview was expanded that day. Now imagine what it would be like to look out of a spaceship window and see your entire planet.

In the 1970s, a self-described “space philosopher” named Frank White was on an airplane staring out his window, thinking about this very thing, when he came up with the concept that led to his 1987 book “The Overview Effect: Space Exploration and Human Evolution.” After interviewing 29 space travelers, White describes the Overview Effect as a sense of euphoria that leads to a “cosmic connection” shared by everyone who has seen the Earth from space. It doesn’t matter whether they’re astronauts, cosmonauts, taikonauts (Chinese astronauts), or space tourists, or what country they’re from. “They have the feeling that the Earth itself is a whole system,” White says, “and we’re just a part of it.”

Aside from simply being fascinating, the implications of this are profound. White and many others have suggested that if a lot more people got to experience the Overview Effect, we could finally achieve world peace. “How would everything change if we began to think of ourselves as a seven-billion-member team, a crew on a spacecraft?” There are plans underway—from White and others in the growing “space citizenship” movement—for that vision to become a reality. In the meantime, if you want to know what it’s really like to travel in space, there’s no one more qualified to describe it than those who have already been there.

YURI’S VIEW
The Space Age officially began in 1957 when the USSR launched the unmanned Sputnik 1 satellite. The first human spaceflight, which took place four years later, was as much for bragging rights as anything else—at least for the countries vying for technological supremacy during the Cold War.

All Yuri Gagarin wanted to do was fly, and the 27-year-old test pilot beat out 200 other applicants to become the Soviet Union’s first cosmonaut. Four days after his historic flight on April 12, 1961—in which he completed one Earth orbit in a little less than two hours and became a national hero—Gagarin said in a sp*ech at the Kremlin, “I completed this flight in the name of our Fatherland, in the name of the great Soviet people, and the communist party of the Soviet Union.”

At least that’s what he said in front of Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev. When Gagarin gave a magazine interview only two months later, he had a much more worldly view, saying our planet is “blue, without boundaries, all countries unite.” He died during a test flight two years later.

In 2013, Gagarin’s daughter Elena Gagarina said she could remember from her childhood how much her father “desperately wanted to fly in space again. He’d enjoyed that first flight, but it was over so quickly!” That illustrates another aspect of experiencing the Overview Effect: you can’t shake it. Gagarin’s historic mission did more than just prove, once and for all, that a person can indeed survive a spaceflight (there were doubts)—he gave humanity its first eyewitness description of what our planet looks like from orbit:

“What beauty...The clouds which cover the Earth’s surface are very visible, and their shadow on the Earth can be seen distinctly. The color of the sky is completely black. The stars on this black background seem to be somewhat brighter and clearer. The Earth is surrounded by a characteristic blue halo...particularly visible at the horizon. From a light-blue coloring, the sky blends into a beautiful deep blue, then dark blue, violet, and finally complete black.”

*********************
To read the rest of the feature—which follows a dozen other spacefarers into orbit—set the controls forhttps://jaynewmanwriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/We-Are-All-In-Space.pdf

Excerpt from the article, “We Are All in Space,” by Jay Newman. Originally published in “Uncle John’s Greatest Know on Earth Bathroom Reader.” Copyright 2020 Portable Press.

UPDATE: Jonathan is alive! For some reason, a fake story got picked up by all the major news outlets. Not very comfortin...
04/01/2026

UPDATE: Jonathan is alive! For some reason, a fake story got picked up by all the major news outlets. Not very comforting, but yay for Jonathan!

~ RIP Jonathan the Tortoise ~
I was hoping it was a lame April Fool’s Day joke. We lost the world’s oldest known land animal today, and I’m surprised at how sad I am. Jonathan (whom I share a name with) was a Seychelles tortoise who was born around 1832. According to reports, he passed peacefully at his home in St. Helena, a British territory in the South Atlantic Ocean. He was 193.

A couple of years ago I wrote a big feature about turtles and name-dropped Jonathan in the section about how they can live so long.

OLD MAN TURTLE
Every living thing ages at a genetically predetermined rate. Turtles live so long because they are among the slowest agers. How slow? Sea turtles can live 50 to 100 years; smaller turtles, 10 to 50 years; and tortoises, up to 200 years. In fact, researchers haven’t even determined the tortoise’s true lifespan because the oldest ones just keep on living.

In the wild, there are three ways to die: succumbing to illness, succumbing to injury, and getting predated. Avoiding all three of these plays a crucial part in the turtle’s secret to longevity.
• Good Genes. Make that, good telomeres. Every animal has them. Located on the ends of chromosomes, these noncoding strands of DNA keep the chromosomes safe during cell reproduction. As most animals age, telomeres wear out, leaving the genes vulnerable to cell degradation and tumors. Turtles’ telomeres wear out at a much slower rate than other animals’. And scientists still don’t know why. If they do figure it out, it could be a game-changer for humanity.
• Apoptosis. Even with the long, healthy telomeres, turtle cells can become damaged enough to grow tumors. When this does happen, they utilize a process called apoptosis that causes the compromised cells to self-destruct before they can cause problems. Giant tortoises are the masters of apoptosis, and thus enjoy the lowest cancer and aging rates in the animal kingdom.
• Low Heart Rate. In general, animals with lower heart rates live longer. The world’s oldest known living land animal, a Seychelles tortoise named Jonathan estimated to have been born around 1832, has a heart that beats only 10 times per minute (compared to a human heart’s 60 to 100 beats). Even small turtles have lower heart rates compared to similar-sized animals. This isn’t due to them being cold-blooded, however, as most other cold-blooded reptiles and amphibians have higher heart rates and shorter lifespans.
• That Shell. Predators strive for efficiency: the less energy spent on the kill, the more reserves they’ll have after the meal. That’s why most predators leave turtles alone—that body armor is tough to pe*****te. It also helps protect the turtle from injury.

Yet even with these advantages, if turtles were simply mindless automatons, they’d get themselves into trouble and die a lot sooner. It turns out that there’s a lot going on in the noggins of Testudinidaes. (For that story, you’ll have to buy the book!)

************
Excerpt from the article, “Behold the Turtle,” by Jay Newman. Originally published in “Uncle John’s Know It All Bathroom Reader.” Copyright 2025 Portable Press.

Here's my Geekosphere. Zoom on in. These all serve as creative inspirations. Some I've had since childhood. Some are my ...
03/09/2026

Here's my Geekosphere. Zoom on in. These all serve as creative inspirations. Some I've had since childhood. Some are my wife's Oddmollusk sculptures. And some are just silly.

Do you have a Geekosphere? Let's see it!

It was just like National Geographic!
02/23/2026

It was just like National Geographic!

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