"Laugh Out Loud"

21/10/2016

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

19/10/2016

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend < 3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fu***ng ridiculous.

17/10/2016

The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before s*x I simply whip out my w***y and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for s*x. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Is that you, André?".

13/10/2016

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fu**in' security cameras."

09/01/2016

One day a woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am."

The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said, "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said, "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

03/01/2015

A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel asks: "What are you doing climbing my tree?"
"Well, I'm coming up here to eat some pears," says the elephant.
"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears."
"Well I brought my own pears."

16/11/2014

Really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my girlfriend. Can anyone recommend me a good girlfriend?

04/11/2014

27/10/2014

Real men cry about the things they love

18/10/2014

I hate people who take drugs. Policemen, Customs Officers, etc...

13/10/2014

I wonder how many calories I burn when I run away from my problems & responsibilities

04/10/2014

Keep liking, keep sharing. Your 'like' doesn't go in waste!