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Autist At Work

Autistic & ADHD Ma research Student: studying the intersection of performance art and neurodivergence at University of Birmingham. P/T Support Worker.

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31/08/2026

Was it something I said? Nope...in this phase of enforced silence by my obstinate larynx, I remember all the names, chatterbox, motor mouth, big mouth, blabber mouth...saying the wrong things at the wrong times...I think I have probably done one hundred years of talking in 56 years...or maybe even a thousand years of talking! Whatever it is, the silence of my still tongue is profoundly loud and it allows space in my head to think all kinds of thoughts. Thoughts I can't even describe because they go off into the realms of dreamlike images that I can't even explain. I am trying to be good at resting but it is frustrating...I feel trapped, unable and yet if I could only just allow myself time and space to rest...at the beginning, it was a relief not to talk...now my hands feel clumsy, they can't explain my every thought...but maybe explaining every thought is not what is meant to happen...no filter Karen...I have a massive filter on me now. Maybe it's better for the world like this...as my words take up less space outside, my inner world and thoughts expand.

30/08/2026

This precious creature has been extra attentive, lying by my side and making sure that I am ok, while I purposefully rest. It was her guesstimated birthday the other day and she is now 2 years old! So she got some special treats, a new tunnel and a new toy too. She is a very gorgeous darling. I have been trying to use my voice a little. In the morning, I'd say her name, gently (not whispering, I know that makes it worse)...but my voice would be too sore to continue. I will be patient though...my vocal chords feel so rough and sore and dry, I imagine them rubbing together all jagged and ragged...best to maintain my quiet for a bit longer I expect. I didn't listen to my body properly and now it has screeched on the breaks of its own accord. It forced me to stop and to take heed. Stopping now and taking care of myself means I will get properly well again...(just saying that to remind myself).

27/08/2026

Looking at the sea is healing but not as healing as I had hoped.
Stuck between trying to rest and frustration, trying to find balance and keep things from collapsing but trying to heal. How much is too much, how much too little?

12/08/2026

The solar eclipse viewed through slithers of lights in the shadows. I have been ill on and off since the end of June, so haven't been on the case to get glasses, make a cardboard pinhole thingy or whatever, so went into my garden to see if I could spot it in the shadows. Not as pretty as the other pictures I've seen posted but it was still exciting, for me at least.

30/07/2026

So lucky to live somewhere so stunningly beautiful. Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right move to Somerset...then my mind is reminded, I did.

26/07/2026

Feeling very lucky! I was off work on Thursday because I felt ill, had no idea what it was, so was lying on my couch listening to music. A video call came through on my Whatsapp, it was my ex-partner. I wondered whether to answer it, I had a headache, my tummy hurt, my throat was starting to hurt but curiosity overcame me. I was glad I answered because he told me he had 1.5 million on a scratch card!
And there the story should have ended...but it went like this instead.
My ex told me he needed my help to claim the money as it had to be claimed online. He tried to show me the card on the camera and how he had won but I couldn't understand it. So, I encouraged him to read the terms and conditions out to me on the back of the scratch card and as he did so, his voice became flatter and flatter...as he finally ended with, I have only won £50!
One of our sons commented on how it made winning £50 into an anticlimax instead of a positive...and that made me think of the context of things that happen in our lives and how we understand them. Winning the £50 is still really cool, especially if he wouldn't have thought he had won 1.5 million.
Yesterday, I fell down the stairs, only the last two at the bottom and fell onto my knees, especially the right one which felt like a burn and I screamed out really loudly. Both sons thought I'd injured myself really badly, so did I! I rolled up my trouser leg but my knee showed no visible sign of injury! I put an ice pack on it anyway and elevated it and rested it. I could bend it, walk on it...it was amazing. I could still drive my car! Today, I went to Wells for a walk and felt so happy I hadn't fallen down more stairs, or injured myself as much as my loud screams implied. Funny, things aren't always what they seem and sometimes that can be for the best. 😊

25/07/2026

Fledgling wood pigeon resting on a stone ledge, featuring dull grey-blue head plumage, fluffy juvenile down feathers on its breast, and a beak too big for its face. In my garden.

24/07/2026

I'm sitting in what I call a "garden" but it doesn't look like a garden. An unkempt gravelled space, with lots of "w**ds", just plants that grow easily. Why is the beautiful yellow flower in my garden called a "w**d" just because I didn't have to put any work in to grow it? My brambles are blackberry bushes full of fruit, I have tall thistle things, I don't know the name, I have, love in the mist, I have seen those at National trust properties curated and delightful, in my garden they appear, anywhere they want to and they are no less beautiful....but some how, the lack of work, the lack of curating, the way things are scattered with only nature's intent and no manmade intention, makes them seem lesser to an experienced gardener's eye. Maybe even to my eye. Adhoc, free abandon, scattered, spread out, a lack of human intention but the intention of nature's own needs lies underneath and yet still is deemed lesser than. Lesser than the manicured lawn, precise earthy borders, flowers planted specifically together by the hand of mankind rather than the hand of mother nature.

Despite the intense heatwaves and ongoing lack of rain, here in my garden, yes I will call it that, the ivy is lush, the laurels provide a leafy shade, my plants are alive and not wilting, they give me the oxygen I need. I see pink, yellow and blue, jewel-like blackberries shining, ready to be picked...I see nature in her element....nature like me thrives when she is given the space to just be...balanced in her equilibrium where it all balances out in the end.

Our world sculpted by visions of what normality means. What if being different was the norm? What if it already is. We just don't know it yet. By casting an expectation of intangible normalness upon us, we are divided, our power sucked away from us, as we struggle with daily life. Imagine if we could see we are one and the same and what is good for one of us is good for us all. Accessibility shouldn't be the struggle it is, if we all understood that then adjustments would be embedded in every aspect of life. Then like nature when she is allowed to just be, we too can flourish.

10/07/2026

The heat forces me to be slower and be still, my studying is hard and is nearly at halt...as the strength of the heat forces my body to stagnate, with an iced towel around my neck to provide relief, my brain speeds ahead relentlessly...I don't really talk about my role as a support worker here, principally because it's all about the person I support and that is private. But I want to share my thoughts about the role. I said to someone in conversation today "This job is the making of me". Funny that...I didn't ever imagine myself in this role and yet it gives me so much...it feels wonderful to help make an individual's life even better! That is literally what I have to focus on! That person is at the centre of everything I do in my job that concerns them. I am on the Aspire Career Development Programme at my work, even though I am a part-time worker they give me the same opportunities and support me. At the beginning of this week, I was worried about several things and very tearful and yet my manager gave me the time and space and gave me guidance and validation. This week in only 15 hours of work, I have given direct one to one support, I have implemented a plan to help give more independence around food, I have attended a Reasonable Adjustments Passport steering group to help shape how these will be dealt with in the future, I have attended a perfect workshop via Zoom on Aspire about managing emotions and today, I attended a presentation by the Forensic Team, part if the clinical team and learnt how healthy relationship connections can be taught and help give people the motivation to not re-offend. I feel like I am making a valuable contribution and learning so much. I used to think a valuable contribution was only through the biggest the most flamboyant of actions but I now know I was wrong. The quiet daily work that people do is of such important and beautiful value, even if it slips below the radar. Thanks so much to and for giving me the chance to be my authentic self and to still make a valid contribution. 😊

14/06/2026

My second beautifully poured hot chocolate of the day, while I attempt to immerse myself in the world of study but instead find I am writing an instagram post, the day before I am to meet with my MA supervisor and talk about how I seem to be ploughing through icy fields of mud. My recent Adhd diagnosis has made me feel strange and not myself at all. I was comfortable with autism but now I have to admit the struggle of Adhd and I don't want to. I want to shove it into the corner and ignore it and continue with my rigidity and routines, my techniques for survival. I don't want to feel pushed and pulled between the two. I'm just a confused, static person right now.

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