01/04/2025
Trump wants Hastings’ America Ground.
It has been reported that during his recent discussion with Kier Starmer the American President stunned the Prime Minister with his announcement that the United States would be “claiming back” an area of the south coast town of Hastings. The small parcel of land on Hastings seafront has long been known by locals as “The America Ground” after locals raised the original Stars and stripes flag in the 1830’s as a mark of rebellion against the UK government and as a protest about the lack of affordable housing locally. However, as local officials have been quick to point out, ‘It rather looks like someone has got their wires crossed as we never actually became part of America, it’s just the sort of thing we do here when we get miffed, we raise a flag. The fishing fleet once flew Canadian flags to complain about fishing rights, it doesn’t mean anything’. However in rambling follow up address President Trump, backed by Vice President JD Vance, said, ‘Listen, there is nobody better informed on early 19th century local history of Hastings than me, as anyone will tell you. And all I can say is it was ours and should be ours again and, as I’m sure JD will agree with me here, it is strategically important to our security. So yeah, I mean really they should just give it to us and if they don’t then well, you know, there will be consequences. I mean it would make a great golf resort and really, let’s be honest, nobody wants to live there, it’s like hell on earth and the locals, well if they are indeed local, should be grateful to be moved out and we’ll flatten the place and begin reconstruction. So yeah…Panama Canal, Greenland and America Ground Hastings. And - like - I’ll be the King of Hastings too’.
No one from the American Embassy was available for comment at the time of going to press.
