Caledonian Cowboy

Caledonian Cowboy Forever armed with his pistols of patter, Johnny ‘Caledonian Cowboy’ Gauld is nothing short of being an adventure-seeking-storyslinging-bagpiping-raconteur!

Braw! Johnny 'Caledonian Cowboy' Gauld is the enthusiastically humorous and engaging piper/poet, writer, adventurer and all round Scottish raconteur, whose tales songs, stories and poems are the perfect antidote to whatever ails you! He's part Huckleberry Finn, part Oor Wullie. A cross between Bill Bryson and Indiana Jones. A modern day Burns with a hint of McGinn...H. Rider Haggard meets Moses! A

s well as as being a well seasoned performer of the works of Robert Burns, Caledonian Cowboy has a massive repertoire of his own hilariously honest poems, songs and tales to entertain every size of audience. Whether it be his one man show or with his army of performers with 'Wee Jock's Big Braw Scottish Nite', Caledonian Cowboy is more than able to bring laughter and entertainment to every type of event. He also regularly hosts whisky and rum tasting events at numerous venues, and has also hosted steak tasting dinners. With an ever-growing roster of ceilidh and folk performers, Caledonian Cowboy regularly performs with a vast array of qualified and professional musicians capable of entertaining any corporate or private party. Caledonian Cowboy Collective is a full time 15 piece professional pipes & drums band who have performed at many of the finest venues in the country. The Collective can tailor it's numbers to suit, from a solo piper to a full 30 piece Collective. Speaking and performing are only a small part of Caledonian Cowboy's career and he is also a successfully published author of original poems and songs, as well as works in both fiction and non-fiction.

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As a piper, he has performed at all of Scotland's major music festivals such as T in the Park, Rockness, The Wickerman, Live at Loch Lomond and Belladrum. He has also performed on many of Glasgow's famous stages i.e. The Barrowland Ballroom, the 02 Academy, The S.E.C.C., The Hydro, The A.B.C., Glasgow Green, Hampden and The Tallship. Other venues in Scotland include The Edinburgh Festival Fringe, The Picture House, Corn Exchange and Liquid Rooms in Edinburgh, the Caird Hall, Motherwell, The A.E.C.C. in Aberdeen, amongst many more. Some of the well known singers and bands that Caledonian Cowboy has performed with are - Ian Brown, Madness, The Alabama 3, The Aliens, Steve Mason, The Enemy, Deacon Blue, The Horne Section, The Stone Roses, Bill Drummond, The Amphetameanies, The Lee Thompson Ska Orchestra, Ruts D.C., Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott, and The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu. Caledonian Cowboy was also the solo piper to launch the Queen's Baton for the Commonwealth relay/Glasgow 2014.

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Over the border and on the coast!Caledonian Cowboy once again with the mighty Madness…more details coming soon.Braw!
07/06/2026

Over the border and on the coast!

Caledonian Cowboy once again with the mighty Madness…more details coming soon.

Braw!

Love that all these stories have made themselves known during Caledonian Cowboy’s ongoing adventures.Stay tuned for the ...
06/06/2026

Love that all these stories have made themselves known during Caledonian Cowboy’s ongoing adventures.

Stay tuned for the next release…

Caledonian Cowboy readying to take this stage with the ever mighty Madness!Jings…it’s just braw!
05/06/2026

Caledonian Cowboy readying to take this stage with the ever mighty Madness!

Jings…it’s just braw!

 # 24 since 24th December… Near fast as a gunslinger’s fanning hand…as Caledonian Cowboy finds himself thundering throug...
05/06/2026

# 24 since 24th December…

Near fast as a gunslinger’s fanning hand…as Caledonian Cowboy finds himself thundering through a stack of pulp western novels…and other books. Some found on his travels and researches, others destined to be dumped.

Caledonian Cowboy back in his number 1 uniform for a recent high profile engagement at Cambo Estate, Fife.Braw!
04/06/2026

Caledonian Cowboy back in his number 1 uniform for a recent high profile engagement at Cambo Estate, Fife.

Braw!

The Storyslinger & the Thunder Trumpet  # 2Warm morning with occasional cool Tennessee mountain air…but if that big ol’ ...
03/06/2026

The Storyslinger & the Thunder Trumpet # 2

Warm morning with occasional cool Tennessee mountain air…but if that big ol’ sun keeps up it’s burning business…it’s gonna be a screamer!…arrived in Knoxville the day before…picked up car at airport…entertained by a very irate American man who, to the vehicle rental staff, became quickly rude…cheeky…offensive…just because he had some issue with his bank not releasing funds…a lassie tried to help best she could…but he became worse…it wasn’t me this time, although it felt as if everyone else wanted to punch him…but before any physical violence, may or may not have, transpired, the lassie’s boss came over and shut done the entire transaction…then dismissively waved him off in a rather flamboyant fashion…it was quite comical…the boss was undoubtedly in the right…good on her for looking after her staff and putting the half wit in his place…his continued pleading, swearing and more seemed to be falling on deaf ears…whether it was a genuine reason…or that I had just happened to be next to be served after the angry man…or that I was just being me, but whatever it was I was given a free upgrade on my car -

‘Mister Gauld, I’ve got a convertible Ford Mustang if you’re interested. No extra charge.’

…many folk would jump at that…it is a classic American car after all…but I’m too low key…too uninterested in anything fancy…’Just plumb practical and Presbyterian!’…

‘Thank you, but I just need a boot and any old car that goes…sorry, a trunk.’

…the man serving nodded with a smile…end up with a GMC jeep machine…it’s a good runner too…a few miles later check in to the Tremont Hotel, Townsend…the festival organisers have put us up here…just as they did two years ago…it’s a great place to stay…Pinkie described it quite succinctly as being like the hotel from the film Dirty Dancing…Townsend is barely a town…there’s a main road leading from far away Knoxville…cutting into the majestic Smoky Mountains…on either side of the road there’s some stores…couple of petrol stations…a decent sized IGA supermarket…an Ace ironmongers…a scattering of eating places…art shops and some other stores…any bigger and the place would be ruined…running parallel with the road and behind the buildings is the Little River…it’s a lovely run of water cascading down from the mysterious mountains…on its far banks are campgrounds and trails and then seemingly endless woods…Pinkie went off to take part in a half marathon this morning…away at 5.30am…she’s fit…but nuts…I’m up…shave…back to wet shaving after a few years away from it…reason being that at one point I was performing so many piping gigs that my neck was being stripped raw from having to shave once, sometimes twice, a day for days on end…the electric shaver was more sympathetic…but at a cost…a much poorer shave…in shower for 8.07am…practice some link phrases and other bits in shower…another story appears from somewhere deep in my memory…it makes me laugh…haven’t told it for a long time…I’ll see if I can fit it into my schtick some point during the weekend…practice my phoney comedic American accent for the airport haggis story…drawl sounds rusty…but it’ll come back…try my hardest to cram and hold some new stories behind an imaginary door in my head…need to stay focused on gigs at hand…no doubt going to change setlist from gig to gig…I usually do…sometimes accidentally…just wherever the blethers take me…have a light breakfast…the scrambled eggs here are always good…get my brain in the game…know my stories…and plenty of them…but unsure what order I’m going to tell them…always ready for new ones unfolding during my stay…or conjured up on the spot whilst performing…go tune my pipes…surprisingly settle in well with the increasing morning heat…brush teeth…lock up…drive 5 minutes along the road to the festival site…nestled below the majestic Smoky’s the festival looks brilliant…seems even bigger than my first time here two years ago…speak with security…show various passes in my emails…made very welcome…find a good wee parking space in a sloping field…the day is busying up nicely…folks pulling trolleys stacked with camping chairs, picnic food, coolers, drinks, sun brollies, kids, dogs…love seeing this…but also notice how everything being brought for use looks brand new…I really love to see old army equipment being utilised…or kids sledges being pulled across grass, piled high with odds and ends that may or may not make the festival experience better…or liberated shopping trolleys or wheeely bins being brought on an expedition far more exciting than their daily job of being used for shopping…these things described are exactly just what you might see back home…once upon a time, music festivals like T in the Park resembled scenes of a mass exodus of people fleeing a war torn country…and it was always a brilliant laugh….it’s funny the things you miss…collect my old rucksack, bagpipes and Caledonian Cowboy merchandise from car…manage to get a lift from car to festival entrance in a wee golf buggy…the drivers zip back and forth all day collecting people…I can’t help but feel I’m cheating by taking a lift -

‘Hey, son! You’ve come a long way. That sure ain’t a local accent. Pack your gear in here and I’ll take you to where - or at least as damn close, to where - you gonna need to be!’

…I laugh and step aboard…bounce and shoogle over the freshly mowed grass field to the entrance…the bunting is up…Scotland’s various flags fly…the clan tents proudly display their banners and colours…hundreds of people on the move…a sea of kilts and tartan and feathers and costumery…countless different looks from
across the centuries…they’re all here to celebrate their roots and Scotland…my brain is humming brightly…not as some might expect with triumphs of Bruce or Wallace…or with the achievements of Watt, McAdam, Fleming et al…no…my brain’s on the boil with Lonnie Donegan, Hank Williams, Bob Dylan, Joe Strummer, Ray Davies, Oor Wullie, Indiana Jones, Huckleberry Finn, H. Rider Haggard, Rudyard Kipling…to name more than a few…plus…the greatest storyteller the world has ever known…Mary McCalmont Jeffrey Nixon Gauld…that’s my mammy incase you were wondering…then think on my dad and wee Tam Young…both who gave me so much encouragement to once upon a time stand up and speak in public…even though I thought my heart might explode…all that which has just been mentioned is exactly what rattles through my skull before I take any stage…the Saint Andrew’s stage at this year’s Smoky Mountain Scottish Festival and Games is where I’ll be performing…find a wee quiet corner to stash my stuff…then go walk to soak up the mood…it could be argued that there’s a very fine line between being confident and being cocky…I pay no mind to either of those two imposters…I’ve got two six guns…my pistols of patter…both loaded and ready to shoot…and I know exactly what I’m gonna be targeting very soon…

…to be continued…

The Storyslinger & the Thunder Trumpet  # 1I’m not a violent person…but there’s often an overriding feeling that you (by...
01/06/2026

The Storyslinger & the Thunder Trumpet # 1

I’m not a violent person…but there’s often an overriding feeling that you (by that I mean, any one of us) could happily punch more strangers in an airport than anywhere else in the World…it’s not just the usual loudmouth travellers…cos there’s no point arguing with halfwits…they’ll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience…neither is it the fools…they’re usually harmless…but it’s the absolute idiots…the people who are disengaged and ignorant of every and any other passenger, person or place…these uncaring selfish folk whose factory settings are forever set on ‘eejit mode’…loud, rude, arrogant, unpleasant…mebbe I’m just seeing things with an older head…or mebbe I’m finally just seeing things as they truly are….yet…and funnily enough…regardless of the halfwittery happening all around me, I’m in good spirits…I’ve mentioned it many times on previous travel posts…my choice in travelling life, is to choose easy and calm throughout the unfolding proceedings…plane delayed?…don’t care, as I can’t or won’t change it…they’ve ran out of whatever they’ve ran out of!…oh well, just roll with it…somebody has had a pure utter mental breakdown!…hope they’re okay, but the day will continue to unfold unabated…my favourite youngest nephew - Nephew Nathan - kindly picked Pinkie and I up at our base of Caldwell CentrAAl at 5.30am…we usually fly from Glasgow…but this time it’s Edinburgh airport…4 grand each difference in flight costs!…that’s absolutely nuts…during flight sleep for a bit…nowhere near as good as I used to be…where I could sleep the entire flight to America…and the journey felt like 10 minutes…miss that magic special thing I once had…watch a film…sleep a bit more…watch a documentary about the Alabama prison system…never did have any aspirations to ever be in prison…now certainly not in an Alabama one…it was a grim watch and lesson…eat a thing called a Hand Pie…basically a pizza roll…then a dark chocolate salted caramel thing…both were good…arrive in the airport of Atlanta, Georgia…Pinkie bursts out laughing because I thought we were now in Tennessee…just because I’m more used to connecting flights in Europe when flying to America…totally disregarded that there would be a second flight in the U.S….

‘You just don’t care…until you get there and start getting excited!’

…that sounds about right…I keep telling you, people, don’t fight travel - just go with the flow…have a few hours wait…security the easiest and most laidback I’ve ever seen in America…almost just let through with a bright -

‘Howd’y, y’all! Welcome back’

…accompanied with a smiling wave……other American airports quiz you to death…before asking you to remove your eyeballs for them to be scanned…or for you to explain in the minutia as to why you have returned to - ‘My country! For the 4th time in less than a year?’…Georgia is easy on the mind right enough…a brief cursory passport check with a look up and down…and you’re in…a nice pleasant and quite comical change…go collect bags…recheck bags…staff are all pleasant…this is magic…even the constantly piped muzak makes me feel like I’m in a Chinese restaurant back home in the 1990’s…weather looks lovely out the big windows…walk part of the way to our concourse…but realise our gate is a miles away…so end up taking a wee internal train…have a number 5 grilled chicken sandwich from Chick Fil A…that’s my usual…Pinkie has nachos….I assist by trading her guacamole for my chips…back feels as stiff as a board…want to go walking…but stuck in airport…brand new hiking boots on too…I’ll get a year and 3 months maximum out a pair of these boots…been wearing exact same model now for 10 years…they’re working out well for my many adventures…the boots I used before this type also were brilliant…at least the first two pairs…third pair ripped my plates o’ meat to absolute shreds…they were made in Scotland…both the boots and the feet…I really liked them…again, both the boots and the feet…never had any problem breaking any boot in in a single afternoon…after the third pair wrecked my soul and my soles, I learned that they were now made overseas…never bought the again…just because they were absolutely murder on the miles…once walked 111 miles plus from my house to Arbroath in that 3rd pair…my feet felt they’d been on a blacksmiths anvil for a serious smiting session…first time ever getting blisters too…after hundreds upon hundreds of miles of a lifetime of adventure…anyway…back at the ranch, or at least airport….happy to say my bagpipes and massive bag of Caledonian Cowboy’s merchandise both whizzed through the x ray without issues…wonders never ceasing to exist…laugh at recalling how been my luggage had been lost on my last three trips to America’s…also, 6 out of 9 trips in total since after the pandemic years…Pinkie realises we don’t have seat numbers for next flight to Knoxville…so sets off to remedy that wee daft, but rather impressive, detail…a story falls into my head…think it’s because I had stiff fingers on the plane…call it ‘A Gladstone Full of Fingers’…it’s a short western story…it’s making me laugh already….but laugh even more shortly, as over the intercom before takeoff -

‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there’s only 7 ways to leave this aircraft!’

…much laughter…followed by -

‘If the pressure drops, stop screaming and sit down. Then use your oxygen mask!’

…even more laughs…before -

‘If you’re travelling with small children, pick your favourite and take care of them first!’

…finally…

‘Should we crash land on water, use the flotation device. Should you make dry land, please keep the device as a commemorative gift!’

…I’m laughing so much I missed a bit about making sure your shoes match your outfit, but did catch the last line -

‘For those who paid attention to this briefing, thank you…and for those who didn’t, good luck!’

…this is the best flight I’ve ever been on…and we still hadn’t taken off…if it’s my last ever flight…for whatever reason…it’s the funniest one to end my career on…black humour is often the funniest…

…to be continued…

Son of Celluloid Saturdays  # 79Some films seem to have always been there. To such a degree that you may have serious di...
31/05/2026

Son of Celluloid Saturdays # 79

Some films seem to have always been there. To such a degree that you may have serious discussions and disagreements in your own head, as to whether you have actually seen the film in its entirety from beginning to end. Or just by the fact it has always been there, you have convinced yourself that by having seen so many bits and pieces of it on television over the years, you question whether your viewing has been the result of a jigsaw of scenes cobbled together.
We can now put to bed any such doubts this evening, as I return to Cineworld in Po***ck, Glasgow, to watch -

Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

***

Seat F9 in the back row. Far better than my original choice. As part of a Spielberg season, screening some of the lauded directors most popular films, there initially was one showing a day of each film. Due to almost immediate sold out screenings, this cinema in its wisdom smartly decided to offer other show times. My original booking was for an earlier showing, with only one seat left to choose from…and way down the front row. Apart from those shortsighted, lame or unable to climb steps - or an outright maniac - I can’t think of any other reason why a person would want to sit right up to the screen. Thankfully other showtimes were soon offered and I’m now as far from the big screen as possible. I’ve recently gained yet another pseudonym that lists alongside Jock, Caledonian Cowboy and Long Shadow. I now also have ‘Leg Up, Johnny!’ Earned after being involved in an episode of the popular television series Taskmaster. Wee, forever smiling, Emma from Starbucks has written this famed phrase on my cup of tea. This makes me laugh and very happy. Cos many in that particular Starbucks are my favourite staff ever.

But to the film…

After the success of Duel (originally a television movie in America, but edited into a full length feature for European audiences), followed by the explosive 1976 phenomenon of the first ever summer blockbuster, Jaws, Steven Spielberg was on a golden run. His next film was Close Encounters of the Third Kind. A feature not only shot, but also written by him. Likewise, he utilised many of the same crew from his previous films. Michael Kahn as editor, Douglas Slocombe as director of photography and John Williams delivering yet another gloriously brilliant score. Actor Richard Dreyfus is ported over from Jaws to play the lead character, Roy Neary. A man driven to the brink of insanity by UFO sightings and episodes of delirious and strange messaging.
The story begins proper, and very strong, after a French scientist discovers a squadron of American warplanes in the middle of the Sonoran Desert. The odd thing being that this is 1977…and the aircraft were reported missing in 1945! To add to the mystery, a massive American ship also appears in the middle of the Mongolian Gobi Desert!
What…why…and how?
Meanwhile, American planes are also being frequently buzzed by UFO’s. These incidents are tracked by military installations, but when pilots are asked to give descriptions, or go on record with their accounts, they refuse. Only because they can’t fully comprehend or understand what they witnessed. If you had seen other Spielberg films, especially around the same era as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but were unaware who made this, you would immediately know it was one of Spielbergs. Tone, lighting, setup, mood. The unfolding of the story in many of his films is near identical. Not in a negative way, but showing just how sure handed and expertly keen eyed Spielberg was, and is, when it comes to his craft. I’ve only ever seen his much loved E.T. once, and many years ago, but there are scenes in that film which definitely echo Close Encounters. Especially scenes aiming for, and achieving, what may possibly be scary for more gentle or younger viewers. In one such scene a wee boy is drawn from his home late at night after his wind up toys all suddenly come to life. The fridge has been ransacked and the dog door flap is banging. As if something had just escaped quickly through it. His mother brings her son back from the night just before he vanishes. Power goes off and on in the town and there’s an overall weirdness in the local area. Those open to, or affected by, the strange alien happenings are having trouble focusing. Haunted by dreams and memories, plus witnessing strange events. Some going as far as drawing, modelling or recreating the legendary Devils Tower rock stack in Dakota. It transpires that that rock formation is a secret government base for human contact with unknown species from a far off galaxy or universe. Once our last three main characters escape into the closely guarded site, pursued by government helicopters, they know that they are on the verge of cracking open a truly secret operation. Roy is killed by poisonous gas, but Neary and Jillian make it just in time to see extensive evidence of human and alien contact. UFO’s of different types arrive. With the obvious gap of not understanding each others languages, the presumably universal language of music is utilised. It’s a clever and thought provoking idea. Sometimes the most complicated things are overcome in the simplest way. As previously mentioned, the score is undeniably John Williams. A knowing nod to the composer and director is heard in one scene. Where the musical notes from his famous theme for Jaws are used in an attempt by both humans and aliens to communicate with each other. The ending is nearly as good as the beginning scenes with the long lost aircraft in the desert. The aliens land and the boarding ramp of their spacecraft lowers. The audience waiting in anticipation to see if the weird and wonderful species they might have conjured up in their own heads are close to the actual reveal. Only for that idea to be turned, at least momentarily, on its own head. The beings emerging from the craft are humans. Ones lost through the ages and the reasons for their disappearances never fully accounted for. Having now returned decades later, yet not a day older. Stepping into a more modern, future, America. When the aliens choose to show themselves it must have seemed groundbreaking and exciting on the film’s release. Even after 40 years some shots are still truly impressive. It ends with willing humans, including our lead character, being led hand in hand by the aliens into the spacecraft. Presumably to be taken far beyond what mankind could ever imagine or understand. All the usual Spielberg tropes are in place. Ordinary men and women. Broken families. Some light touches of horror and intrigue. Perfect lighting and blocking. Music and production are all high end. Some scenes teeter on being a bit too schmaltzy, but still very much in the hands of a true filmmaking genius. The aliens leave and the score ramps up over the closing credits.

The end…

***

Close Encounters of the Third Kind has so much going for it. Especially the ending and that absolutely simple, yet incredibly smart and fascinating opening, but as a whole it just never grabs me. I fully understand why it’s deemed a classic and why many film fans love it. Making 15 x its budget in returns during it’s initial release, you can’t argue with that type of success. Plus seeing it on the big screen (like all films) is certainly special, but there’s something holding it back for me. If I’m honest I think it’s because Spielberg’s great films are truly that, great. So his other works sometimes seem lacking in comparison.
In saying that, a less enjoyable Steven Spielberg film is probably still better than most other films released. A statement that I don’t write flippantly, as I’m only a casual fan of the director’s work.

But you can’t argue with facts…and the truth is out there.

(C) Johnny Gauld/Caledonian Cowboy - 15th April, 2026

(*Due to having to focus on other projects and avenues, the original continuation of Celluloid Saturdays posts hit pause in September, 2024.

That being said, the viewing of films - which are 25 years and older - on the big screen, continued unabated, with accounts of each viewing detailed for future posts.

As such, these posts will now run from the most current viewing, back in time, to eventually connect with the last one from September, 2024.

Likewise, they will be filed under the sub-banner of -

Son of Celluloid Saturdays.*)

A wee musing as Caledonian Cowboy walked thru Manhattan…Soon a SunSoon a sun shall slowly set,On both you and I,No guara...
31/05/2026

A wee musing as Caledonian Cowboy walked thru Manhattan…

Soon a Sun

Soon a sun shall slowly set,
On both you and I,
No guarantees - ‘Why should there be?’ -
to see tomorrow’s steady rise.

So do what’s needing did or done,
Today, preferably, well before,
Complete your tasks and clear your dues
Tidy your tools, then settle scores.

(C) Johnny Gauld/Caledonian Cowboy - 29th May, 2026

What an absolutely brilliant present from Caledonian Cowboy’s oldest school pal…the mighty Brian Jardine.Love it…thank y...
30/05/2026

What an absolutely brilliant present from Caledonian Cowboy’s oldest school pal…the mighty Brian Jardine.

Love it…thank you!

Braw!!!

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