26/05/2026
Insecure at my dream-thoughts this morning. Was this my last day on earth?
Remembering the anguish at leaving home, and at the despair of possibly never seeing the children again, wondering how likely it was that my life would come to an end, either through my own doing or some other means. Was this the day?
By catapulting out of bed these thoughts were relegated to the realms of idiocy
and disbelief. Routine was reassuring and meaning reasserted by repetitive trivia.
Breakfast over and everything packed, I sympathised with the owner of the car next to mine, whose front tyre was flat, and drove off. Shortly before arriving at Seathwaite, where I intended to park for my walk, I pulled over to let the driver behind me pass. As he did he wound down his window and informed me about my flat tyre; and so it was, REALLY flat. Should I change it now, or leave it until I got back from my Scafell expedition? The weather was good. I was in good time and
wanted to get going. I was tempted to leave it, but something inside me advised caution and I changed it.
Despite this, it was not much later and I was soon striding rhythmically up towards
Sprinkling Tarn. The waterfalls were enticing, the sky clear, except for the clouds surrounding the Scafells, where I was headed. No matter, I thought. Only the summits would be hidden. Before long I was at the junction where the path I was following meets the one from Esk Hause to Great Gable with the north face of Great End rearing above me. I was directly below central gully, which I had climbed in winter with my friend Rod over twenty years before. Memories came
back….. the straightforward climbing up to where the gully was blocked by iced-over boulders….
The delicate moves, the bridging and the front pointing needed to negotiate it while tensioned against the ice axe and pterodactyl (an ice axe-cum hammer). Then we were up, emerging from the top of the gully, hundreds of feet higher, onto the summit plateau.
I continued on into the cloud towards Scafell Pike, picking my way over boulder
fields, following the track, sometimes vaguely distinguishable by signs of wear on the corners of the slabs. Sometimes the route went down as well as up, a weird feeling when expecting to go up, especially in poor visibility, as then. It was time to look at the map, just to make sure.I didn’t, partly from laziness, partly from confidence. Presently the summit slopes began and almost suddenly it was there, a huge cairn, the highest structure in England, although there was no way
of knowing it, since any view was hidden by the dense cloud. I started off again, compass in hand this time, to guide me through the cloud across more jumbled boulders, to the dip between Scafell Pike. and her sister, Scafell, called Mickledore.
Emerging from the cloud, the cliffs of Scafell rose up before me until they, themselves, dissolved into it. A discursive look at Broadstand, where there is scrambling access to the summit, told me not to bother. A mixture of reduced visibility and the prediction of moss-covered, treacherous rock resulting in a very nasty fall advised me to be content with the scree and mud in the gully leading up from Lord’s Rake, to the right of the wall of cliffs now facing me across Mickledore.
There was still plenty of time left and I looked forward to finding my way up. So,
after a quick lunch of sandwiches and coffee, sitting in an armchair of boulders, I shouldered my bag and was off. Once in the gully of Lord’s Rake and making my way up, the entrance to Deep Ghyll, the gully that gave access to the summit, was obvious, but absurd. No one, I thought, could ascend that without a climber’s full complement of hardware. So I ignored it and bent my head to the task of reaching the top of the steep, mucky gully I was in, without noticing the easier
path, a few feet on, which would have taken me into Deep Ghyll easily.
I went too far, for there was no route up. Having realised this, but uncertain of what I was looking for, I resorted to scrambling up an avowedly vertiginous mixed
slope of grass and rocky outcrops. There was evidence, hardly, of a path, that others had passed that way, which is reassuring in the sense that I was not the only brainless nincompoop eager to throw his life away. I steadily made my way up, enjoying the technical climbing, somehow having confidence in placing my toes on squelchy grass ledges and slippery boulders. Each time a serious bit was passed the relief was palpable and I was glad that I would not have to return that
way.
Too late, I realised that the formation of the mountain was like a pack of cards.
Layers of rock were jammed together. I was scrambling up the eroded cards at the end of the pack. To my right the impregnable buttresses (undamaged ‘cards’) loomed above me. The higher I climbed, the nearer I got to the end of the ‘pack’ and the chasm that would appear beneath me.
My route ended at the end of a grassy shelf that I had hopefully shuffled along, nervous of the imposing rock wall to my side, threatening to overbalance me. There was no exit. I was staring into a vision of nothing (in fact Deep Ghyll, which I ought to have ascended, but at that moment was hidden in cloud.) I remembered the semi dream of that morning and my nerves at leaving home. My climb up so far had been spurred on by the certainty of reaching the top. There was no wish or intention to reverse the same route. It wasn’t difficult, technically, but the wet and the exposure made it unnerving. I looked again at the wall hemming me in, hoping for an, as yet unseen, route up it, perhaps a little gully or grassy steps might appear, as if by magic. But it was vertical and impregnable. There was no alternative to going down the way I had come up. The very absurdity of it all made me laugh.
The split second following my arrival at the edge was enough to make a lucid and unambiguous resolution. It was a purging experience, as if spiritually useless
pretensions had been flushed out by the simple choice; do this, in spite of your resolve not to (go back) or do nothing, ever again.
So I returned. What’s more, I enjoyed it; choosing the holds, always in
balance, always in control, always aware of the consequences. It was exhilarating, and soon, disbelief confounded, I was back on the path I had so idiotically left. After a few strides the real path appeared. The first thought was to ignore it and go down. Time was getting short. That was quickly succeeded by the disappointment of giving up. Little persuasion was needed to make me change my mind and soon I was making my way up a steep, slimy gully by making use of plentiful, soaking handholds and bridging across with my feet. It was strenuous and fun and
before long I was popping, like a cork, from the neck of the gully and onto the summit plateau.
The summit was a simple stroll and the satisfaction complete, even without
the view which would have’ ,ideally’ finished it off. The descent, without the fateful worries of my previous miscalculation, brought me unscathed back to Mickledore, from where a long, rough trek around the massif ended at the Piccadilly of Lakeland, Esk Hause. A variety of paths branch off from here, and my choice was the one I came up, going to Seathwaite, a mile and a half down the valley. By this time it was dark, and extra care was needed to follow the path. Reaching the
car was a relief, as was the prospect of a good meal and a comfy bed for the night, but not that of unpleasant dreams.
The illustrations for this tale had to be done later, since views were impossible to see, owing to the cloud. The pictures are all watercolour. They show Great Gable, Scafell Pike, Broadstand, a view to the east from the top of Great End(peaks unknown) ascending to Mickledore from Wasdale, and the unsuccessful climb from Lord’s Rake. See if you can identify each one.