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Ex Jay Doubleyou Poems, Chesterfield (2026)

08/02/2025

White

At first all you feel is high,
The laughter never seems to die

Your confident, talkative, outgoing,
Life and soul, all knowing

The more you have the cheaper it gets,
Still you start to see the mounting debts,

Credit cards now used for cash,
Your two lives now completely clash

Your working for coke,
You’ve started to become a joke

You’re actually a liability,
Your life’s lost all stability

Awake all night, all alone,
Texting embarrassing messages to old friends on your phone

You loose all your morals,
Your next bag is all that remains of your goals

You steal and cheat from the ones who love you,
Thinking they don’t have a clue

They bend of backwards to help, not knowing what’s best,
You manipulate them and give them no rest

Only just realising your family have suffered,
Emotionally, physically & drained, scared that’ll you’ll end up dead

You will put them through far worse,
You feel sorry for yourself but they’ve got the curse

The ones who are left you still torture,
Feeling sorry for yourself when they show you the door

You’ve had some and you’ll never do it again,
The next day you’ve been tricked by your brain

You say just once more
But it’s never one, your hooked down to your core

Your losing everything you’ve ever cared for,
But Everything will be ok once you get more

Your gambling with the world for a prize of everything you own,
Everyone who loves you, everything you’ve known

When you’ve got no money you do some drops,
It’s just a matter of time before you’re pulled by the cops

It only ends one or two ways,
I’ve lost so much, now I’m living on borrowed days

I’m writing all this knowing it’s how it all goes,
I don’t want to but I’ll probably still put it up my nose

Ryan Trolley
08-02-25

14/01/2024

Sorry

After turmoil subsides, remorse sinks deep,
Oh, I messed up again; these cycles, my secrets keep.

I don’t want self-pity, though it seems,
Explaining these struggles remains a dream.

Bipolar's relentless grip, a wild disease,
A puzzle of actions, lies and fees.

To express this battle, an uphill climb,
Inconsistent cycles, life's toughest paradigm.

Unique is my struggle, everyone's different,
Brains, intricate, shaped by the smallest event.

Describing this war, a physiological hell,
Seeking understanding, knowing they should just sat farewell.

Remorse is genuine, my desire true,
To get better, the only goal I pursue.

Reasons unknown, I repeat the same,
Thoughts astray, thinking its joy a game.

Self-trust wavers; so why would my wife?
They deserve better, my family's my life.

Should they depart, my life would cease,
It’d be a spiral down, but id be in peace.

Understanding now, I can't control this,
Im Its slave, my resistance dismissed.

Honest admission, I finally admit,
As a dad, a husband, I’m completely unfit.

To lose them, horrendous it would be,
Yet I wouldnt condemn, they come first, you see.

Im losing, my psychological and spiritual life,
it’ll end if i don’t stop, with physical life.

Desire to explain, a daunting task,
Using masks, methods fake, so people don’t ask.

Persist, psychiatrists, though seemingly worthless,
A Virtual appointments, a phone call, no idea of the stress

Carry on, seeking a better day,
With words and ACTIONS, my truth I’ve got to display.

In this journey, I hope with every seam,
Though i don’t deserve it, Jesus Christ will redeem

Ryan Trolley - 10-01-24

26/10/2023

What Would You Do

I don’t know where to go from here
All I do is solve my problems with drugs and beer

I need to get completely off my head
Just so I can sleep in my own bed

With no worries I can fall asleep
Until the morning when I start to weep

Ive got no sense of right and wrong
I’m so weak, Im pathetic, I’m not strong

It’s real life, and I hate it at this point
I feel like I’d be best getting my own joint

I hurting the people who love me
I’m not me, I agree

I know what I’m fu***ng up - trust me
I don’t need to be told, I can truly see

I know I’m splitting my family apart
I know my daughters feel it in their heart

I’ve been there
In my eyes they can see the despair

It doesn’t matter how much I try to hide it
They feel the tension, they feel whatever what I emit

I know I can’t go on this way
I know it destructive and Im driving people away

I know I’m vulnerable
I know I’m far from stable

I know I can’t say no
That’s what brings on the low

I know I’ll get addicted
I know I might end up getting convicted

I know all these things and more
In my mind they cause a civil war

But when I’m manic I can’t see nothing but good
I wish you could understand it, but it’s about as clear as mud

There’s nothing I can say that people will understand,
Unless you’ve experienced it, it just looks planned

If I could stop all the hurt now I’d do it
When I’m manic I don’t give a s**t

It’s not that I don’t think about you all,
I just don’t want my mood to fall

I still think about my family
I just don’t think they need me

I talk to anyone and everyone
The worse they look the more I think we’ll get on

I have no sense of money, I just carry on spending
If I can make someone smile - the joy is transending

I really don’t know what to do for the best
I think they really need a rest

I can’t do anything right
It feels like life really is s**te

Would they all be better off I I wasn’t here
At least they wouldn’t be worried, no more fear

What time will he come back tonight, and what state
Has he gone and done something with a “new mate”

I talk to people I don’t know
I’d say yes if offered blow

“When you’re high you never wanna come down”
I’ll go for one drink and end up in town

I go from being so happy and high
To bring so low that I want to die

From a distance it’s looks like I’m enjoying life
I’m not, I fu***ng hate it, it’s takes everything I have not to use a knife

I’m sick of it, I’m tired from having to try
It’s so much harder to live than to die

I’m not giving in, I’ve too much at stake
My Wife, My daughters are why I still wake

Ryan Trolley 23-10-23

15/09/2023

Another Quick One - Just come back from pub and quickly wrote this as you can tell

I am who I am

Ive stopped trying to adjust me for them
If they don’t like me it’s their problem

I’ve done it for such a long time
I don’t remember my own profile

Who was I when I started,
All I know is that’s the only ones who haven’t departed

When I changed for people was the problem
That’s when others start to condemn

I just should have stayed myself
At least I never sold out for wealth

It was always for friendship or acceptance
Never seeing i was just in a cultic trance

So I am who I am
If you don’t like me I don’t give a damn

I’ll change for family
My wife my children….oh and my Lord who died for me!

Yet he knows I sin and has already paid the price
It’s good to be saved, how can one God be so nice!

Ryan Trolley 15-09-23

11/09/2023

I just wrote this in 15mins so I’d there’s any typos forgive me!

What if?

Why can’t life just give me a break
A nightmare that doesn’t stop when you wake

Weather high or low
There’s no where to go

If I feel good I’m manic
I put people in a panic

Im labelled unpredictable
But this is when I’m the most able

My children see when im not mentally in pain
I’m motivated, I do my share in the house, it doesn’t mean im insane

I can get up and go to work singing
I can talk to people without drinking

If feel low Im horrible
I treat others around me terrible

I don’t want to interact with anyone
I don’t even answer texts from my mum

I’m much more argumentative
I’ve got no preventative

I never seem easy to live with
Im not the man she fell in love with

Believe me I know what it’s like
I’ve lived with a manic depressive most of my childhood life

But I’d much rather be high or intense
I can talk to people and make sense

I might tell them too much about my life
I’m proud I no longer cut myself with a knife

But F**k them if they don’t like me
I’m trying my best and this is all I can be

There’s so much more I can’t even articulate
But for once it’s love and not hate

Ryan Trolley - 11-09-23

09/07/2023

I thought about you the other day
Not for long though and not in a good way

I thought how’d you’ve made me suffer
Not just me but my children and their mother

You were my Nan
You were a great gran

It’s been 7 months since a heard your voice
All I did was exercise my free choice

The decision was made over 6 years ago
But I’m just telling you things you know

You knew I no longer wanted to be witness
Up until 7 months ago you couldn’t care less

Then you cut all ties
You never said any goodbyes

you act as like I was never born
All because they said my name on the platform

How can you act this heartless
Pretending you’re a good witness

But above all have love for one another
That’s how you know who’s your Christian brother

You could continue to speak to me
You would if it was (name) or (name)

I could beat you and fornicate galore
And you’d still stick up for me and ask for more

You really are a hypocrite
Your belief is just so counterfeit

Do you believe what you’re doing is correct
Or are you scared if you don’t comply you become the subject

You in a cult
Wake up - wake up it’s phycological assault

The kids don’t even recognise you
You’re becoming just another old person in a photo

You should know I’ll never be a JW again
The way you treat people is inhumane

I’ve had to say my goodbyes to you even though your still here
How sad is that, so far away but so near

———-

I get told you’ve had a fall
Yet this changes for me absolutely f**k all

Do I even need to know
I can do nothing as you’ve let me go

Yet it still gets to me
Until I remind myself I’m free

However I wish you well in the rest of your days
How far we’ve already parted from our loving ways

Ryan Trolley - 01-07-23

27/07/2021

Revealed

I’m told I’m mentally diseased & I abandoned my faith,
but for the first time in life I KNOW I’m safe.

My Lord thank you for choosing me,
It cost your life, but for me there was no fee.

You rubbed your saliva in my eyes, the scales dropped I saw your deity,
I was dumbstruck, you had revealed yourself like a blinding light to me.

It’s only now you’ve opened my eyes I see,
Just how blasphemous it is to deny that you
are deity.

As I walk into Church it feels so special, full of People who want to help each other
It’s a few hours away from the world, it’s beautiful, its pure pleasure

Now when I read The Bible is not just the word that’s alive,
The patriarchs, Hebrews, Judges, Kings, Prophets, The Apostles and Jesus all jump out as if revived.

Only God personified could save us from God the fathers wrath,
You bore my sins, they died with the you on the cross!

I will never be able to repay you for the Grace afforded to me, of what can i boast?
Creator of all, Saviour of all, I can only worship you with your help, ALL Glory belongs to you, Thank you God The Father, The Son & The Holy Ghost

I long to be in The Presence of you my Lord, sat deservedly on your throne,
I imagine the brightness, the awe, the beauty, the excitement, the complete unknown.

When I recognised Jesus as Lord the Spirit completely changed my purpose & desire,
I don’t care anymore for this world, my ultimate goal now was to be with The Messiah.

The best I can do is to offer my life to the Lord, to be wrought by God The Holy Spirit,
Father here I am, use me as you wish,to you I submit.

May 2021 - Ex Jay Doubleyou

15/05/2021

Whole World In His Hands

Jesus Christ had the whole world in his hands,
As foretold He showed no hate, He kept silent, and made no demands.

God loved the world so much he gave his only begotten Son,
The sins we have committed will be wiped clean, completely undone.

Only God The Son could save us from God The Father wrath,
God personified, He lived for us and then died on our behalf.

We see our Lord nailed to a cross, as he was without sin he stands straight and tall,
Satan’s big loss, death will no longer make us slaves to sin, we’re no longer under the curse of the law.

As the world lines up and approaches our Lord, I see His body starting to wilt,
I see Christ crucified im weighed down with a debt I could never afford, I beg for Grace and I repent, The weights removed and I’m told in 3 days the temple will be rebuilt

I watch as Our Lord takes the weight of every person who believes,
The weight now rests on his hands as he hangs limp, it is finished, Jesus Christ no longer breathes

I do not have the words to explain my emotions and feelings, they lay in my heart and mind,
The Holy Spirit is the only one who can dwell within me, my emotions and my feelings supernaturally redefined.

Ryan T (Ex Jay Ex Jay Doubleyou) ©️

28/08/2020

Jesus is

The missing link between the old & New Testaments,
As prophesied He was one of King David descendants

He is glue & thread that binds the pages to the spine,
He is the true vine

He is The Alpha & Omega,
He is The First & Last, The Sacrificial Lamb & The lion of Judah.

The answer to every question,
He rules at the right side of The Father in heaven.

He is the inspired text,
He is why you understand & aren’t perplexed

He is The Fathers speech,
He is the reason we go out and preach

He is the word, The logos,
He bore our sins on the cross

He is Grace & Grace is Jesus,
He was the reason for the 95 thesis

He is the answer to every problem,
Through His name we pray, Amen

He is love,
A quality needed to be His people, Love is bestowed on us from our God above

He is The “I Am”
He came to earth to save us, He remained God, whilst being man

He is Always the way,
He was the propitiation for our sins, only He could do this & had the ability to pay

He is Always the life,
He was crucified, He rose and He is alive

He is Always the truth,
Your new heart, faith & “the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ” is the proof.

- August 2020 ©️

06/02/2020

JW Liars - Response to a relative who says “people might be jumping in the bandwagon” - I wrote this after as it really annoyed me...I swear once or twice in it!

Ex Jay Doubleyou Poems

08/02/2025

14/01/2024

26/10/2023

15/09/2023

11/09/2023

09/07/2023

27/07/2021

15/05/2021

28/08/2020

06/02/2020

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