29/06/2018
Satine Noir here breaking the silence! Look at the two pictures of me below, albeit they're months apart and tell me what you see. Do I look happy? Confident? Glamorous? I ask because that is the face of someone with a mental illness. The first image was taken at the end of November 2016. I had been signed off work with stress and anxiety. I nearly pulled the show as I felt like I couldn't cope. I felt ugly. I felt worthless. But, over the past 4-5 years I have struggled in particular, my 3+ years back in the burlesque scene has in a way saved me. It's forced me to slap on the war paint even when I've been at my lowest. It's given me something to focus on. And for the most part I've been surrounded by fabulous people from all backgrounds. So, after discussions with my GP I went ahead with the show. I didn't want to let anyone down.. such is the nature of high functioning anxiety. Behind the scenes I was a mess, but being on stage, with all of those amazing performers and with you, the fab audience, made it all worth it. I got a fuzzy feeling back I thought I had lost. The second image was taken last July at The Death Do Us Part Danger Show. I was back at work at this stage but still receiving CBT. I was calmer than I was in November but still very up and down. So it was funny hearing that I looked great, I seemed so calm.. what can I say, the mask comes out and the show goes on! Why am I sharing all of this now? A couple of reasons. In part to explain why I have been quiet and there haven't been many updates, and also to share and make people aware that mental illness takes all shapes and forms. This is an open platform and if anyone ever needs to talk or wants more info then I'm here. I haven't had one of my "proper" shows in 18 months in part because of my health, and in part because of management changes at my venue. I tried to counteract this by having The Death Do Us Part Danger show in July 2017, and by sponsoring the Satan's Angel weekend in Leeds last August/September. I did have plans for my usual Christmas show but the management change scuppered that. I was also for a short while working alongside a charity but they decided to go in a different direction. All of that leads to the future and the plans here at Keep Calm and Shimmy On Productions. I am keen to get shows back up and running in Carlisle again.. maybe a Christmas show but failing that I promise it will return in 2019. I could put on a small show sooner, but I'm committed to giving you the best quality show I can, nothing less. Meanwhile I will be involved in some small personal side projects; modelling, assisting with other shows etc, which some of you have expressed an interest in, so I'll post my follies here so you can see what I'm up to. So to my audience, thank you for your continued support and patience, it means the world and I will do my best to reward your patience. To everyone I've worked with and everyone I hope to work with, thank you for helping my sanity, I haven't forgotten any of you, and hopefully we can do something together soon. And look after each other ❤
