28/10/2023
*content warning mention of unaliving*
10 years ago today I woke up having intended not to. I was still in a horrific mental state after several years of being a mess. I was a problem for those around me and I was very mentally unstable. I was paranoid, angry, rude, nasty and ignorant in all the traditional ways. I hated myself and everyone else. So I did the thing I had been trying to avoid doing. I admitted I was having another breakdown and I called some friends to take me to the hospital. On the 28th of october 2013 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder, Chronic Depression and PTSD (post traumatic stress Disorder). I then started medication and therapy plus a lot of spiritual work in my church at the time. Many things have happened between then and now but the emotions that drive me have remained the same. on the night of the 27th of October 2013 I prayed "God let me die, or make me useful" just before I passed out and was then unable to enact my plan to end myself.
One of my biggest difficulties in life has always been feeling like I am not useful. I want to contribute to the world in a positive way and I want to pass through the lives of others leaving something positive behind not negative. I have failed at this many times but I will never stop trying to do better into the future. I want to change the world but not in a flashy way that gets seen. I want to change the wold in a small person by person type of change that ripples out. I don't want to fall into the trap of arrogance I know that if I am going to do anything positive then it will likely be through divine intervention or pure accident but as someone said (I'm paraphrasing) "when I pray happy accidents happen more often".
To fast forward a bit I want to list some things that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't survived. I'll let you decide if its divine or accidental or some weird expression of the universe.
1) I would not know all the beautiful and honourable people I know to quote a friend out of context "I'll not list them here, theres too many to mention" (Rusty Goat). But there are people who i've worked on events, radio shows, music, art, book(s?) and many other things with. In Carlisle, Swindon and Cornwall I have met people who will change the world in a positive way and I am honoured to know them all. The love I have been show by people is truly inspiring.
2) There would be no Bipolarmusic. When I was a kid' during the birth of the internet as we know and love it' I did not enjoy school. I was bullied, beaten and had my life threatened by pupils and I was bullied and mistreated by teachers. Back then I didn't know that I am autistic and I don't think it would have meant anyone in my schools would have been any more respectful if we had known. I would come home from school deeply tired and I would put on the radio. SUB FM, RINSE, DEJA , and others were my hiding place. Music generally meant so much to me back then and it has not lost it's place in my heart since. I remember distinctly praying one day after a particularly stressful time that God would give me a slot on the radio somehow. It took a while but I now host 2 hours every Tuesday on the radio station I was listening to at the time (Bipolarmusic, 10am-12noon UK time, SUB.FM).
3) The book. Nanook the bipolarbear by James Osborn is available through all good retailers and also amazon ;) . I had the idea in 2013 or 2014 to do a Bipolarbear. I was talking to a friend and we were throwing thoughts around and ended up with the name Nanook the Bipolarbear. I drew a few ideas, tried to use them for a uni project, got a bad grade and decided not to pursue it at the time. A few year later Phil gave me a card with a Bi-polar bear joke on it and I felt like it was time to start again. I drew a couple of the drawings a threw them on Facebook and the response was way bigger than I expected. So I kept drawing them and kept talking about them and eventually though a poetry event in a pub I spoke with Black Eyes and got a book published with 52 of my drawings in it. More importantly though, through the project I have reached out to 100s of people and given them opportunities to talk about mental health, made them feel less alone and hopefully made peoples day's better. Before I go on I want to acknowledge that book 2 is late. This is entirely because of me and my lack of drive. I still believe that I can create more books but for some reason I am unable to complete the "difficult second album". I will get there, hopefully soon.
4) I would not know that I am Autistic. It's almost hilarious that the reason for most of my mental anguish wasn't revealed till years after my 3rd breakdown. I don't think that being autistic is the reason I struggle I firmly believe that my struggles come from living in a world that is not designed for autistic people to thrive. Now that I know though, it's time to use the information to make excellent things happen. I want the diagnosis to be used to help other autistic people embrace the great people that they are. I have a few plans on how to do this through radio and community work but I am always looking for more opportunities to make good things happen.
5) I wouldn't be involved in the church I am part of (Kings Arms) who have encouraged and straightened me as I learn about being autistic. I would not have had the many intense and powerful spiritual experiences I have had and I wouldn't have experienced the simple day to day spirituality that keeps me alive. I wouldn't have learned from friends inside and outside the Church what it means to be a spiritual being on earth. I wouldn't have learned church history, religious history generally or any philosophical teachings. I have the weirdest most hyper specific knowledges of stuff nobody cares about but that inspires me daily. I wouldn't be hunting for way to do Christianity as autistically as possible.
There are so many other things to list but I want to say something very important. My family have been the best part of my survival. Seeing them learn to deal with me as a mentally ill autistic person used to make me feel awful but I have seen each of them use what they have learned through the struggle of loving me to love and care for others. It is an honour to be part of my family and I love them all.
As for my "I DIDN'T DIE DAY" I want it to be an opportunity for you. For those of you who struggle with the memory of their darkest day, your I Didn't Die Day, I want to encourage you to celebrate life with me. I wan't to celebrate YOUR life. Thank-you for being here, thank-you for reading this and thank-you for the positive difference you make in the world (even if you don't see it). If you have your day then plaese celebrate it or if it would make you feel more comfortable then please share mine! Lets celebrate life. Tonight I will be going to a concert in a cave and spending time with my parents but you can celebrate however you like , it's your day. You are alive and I am very glad you are.
Peace and Love to all of you.
James
