18/10/2025
BREAKING: DAN PAMPH CRAWLS BACK TO THE MUTTS — PROBABLY STILL WEARING HIS OLD JERSEY
MUTTSVILLE, BRISTOL — In a stunning development that has shaken the local beer league community (specifically three guys at the bar and one guy’s dog), the Mutts are proud-ish to announce the return of Dan Pamph, the most polarizing figure in team history — and that’s saying something for a team that once drafted a guy because he brought his own cooler.
“We’ve reviewed every option,” said General Manager Beth Worth, from behind a pile of waiver forms. “And unfortunately, Dan kept showing up to practice anyway. So we figured, why not just make it official?”
Pamph, known league-wide for his unorthodox skating style (some say “chaotic,” others say “concerning”), brings a lot to the team: raw passion, unfiltered opinions, and a Shot that has yet to hit the net this decade.
“I’ve learned that passing is not a sign of weakness, and that yelling ‘wheel!’ doesn’t make you faster. But I’ll still do both.”
According to team sources, Pamph has been training hard — if by training you mean “playing Chell and drinking tallboys”
Conditioning status: questionable. Confidence level: through the roof.
Coach Beth, is cautiously optimistic.
“He brings leadership, energy, and three unpaid bar tabs from last season,” Beth said. “Plus, he swears he’s done trying to fight the mascot. We don’t have a mascot.”
OTHER NOTES:
* His return has reportedly caused two teammates to “pull hammies out of nowhere”
* He claims to have “a new outlook on hockey,” but still refuses to backcheck
