31/12/2021
'Solitude State'....
is a poem for any and all grown ups who waited many years before they could speak out about ill treatment and trauma. It's about it being ok not to feel obliged to report a miracle recovery, after disclosure and a period of therapeutic seclusion. It's about that sometimes occurring, state of limbo, when it's really ok to catch your breath and start steadily choosing your path. People who don't understand the slow pace of healing in this context, more often don't understand, simply because they don't know how to. There are people who may be uncomfortable or even disapproving of your present journey. That's ok. Those people maybe can't be in your 'here and now' at the moment. Also, people who do care about you find it much easier and palatable to imagine you really having a good time, than you taking 'time out' to do battle with and confront your demons. Forgive them, in that case and cut them some slack. Childhood abuse and neglect and domestic violence are still seen in many quarters are taboo and to be kept from the light. Not everyone will therefore have the stamina and fortitude to be close and around, when you are in the early stages of disclosure and future path-finding.
Above all, don't be rushed, don't, by default, fall into another type of self denial... even though that may feel familiar and less scary than the change you've been brave enough to seek and so richly deserve. Stay as safe as you can possibly make yourself. Make this new year we are all about to tumble into, one of grace, joy, peace and self discovery.
Solitude State
~~~~~~~~~~
"How are you?"
they asked.
"Are you....
feeling
much better?
Did you
send the law...
or
a
second class letter?"
"Did you
have
some fun
up in
Solitude State,
where nobody
dances
or laughs
until
late?"
They ask,
out of kindness
and
hope
they are right,
that really....
you chilled
and felt
joy every night.
You'd told them
quite loudly....
in
more ways
than one,
the
terror
you'd felt,
when
bad things
had been done.
You'd seeped out
the sadness
and flooded
your fields,
and ran
for your life,
dropping
all
of your shields.
So....
Here is
some progress...
an update
of sorts.
There has
been
SOME change
from
my
other reports.
The cops
were not called
to the cold
and so cruel...
nor those
who had
noted me down
as a fool.
But
I SPOKE
to my demons
and
called each
one out.
I said they
were guilty,
with
NO
shred of doubt.
I told them
their deeds
were
NOT
just
in my head,
but painted
so boldly,
I'd
wished
I was...
dead.
I told ONE
they'd
dined
on my dread
and my fear.
But they
were now gone
and my
heart beats,
still,
here.
I'll no longer
argue,
or
have
the truth
bent.
I KNOW now
their deeds
and
their words
were all meant.
That
pulled me
up sharply
and caused
me to halt!
At last,
I'm accepting...
it wasn't
my
fault.
Here ends
this report...
It's as far
as I've got.
I still have
the nightmares
and don't
sleep a lot.
Cutting
the cords
and denouncing
the ties,
takes some
sweeping up,
when there's
dirt
in your eyes.
So all I can say,
is
for now,
I'm alive.
Plan A
is to
stay here
and
hopefully thrive.
Decades of damage
don't heal
overnight.
But deeds
of destruction
need darkness,
not light.
I'm laying
their
weapons of woe
on the shore
and begging
the sun
and the sea
to wage war.
I still
couldn't
say,
how
this story
will end....
But OUT...
are their secrets,
they
made me defend.
I need
to stand back
and survey
fields of peace
and find
my own path,
to explore
my
release.
BekB, New Year's Eve, 2021
Image, photo by BekB, 25/12/2021,
Cayton Bay, North Yorkshire, UK.
