Holiday Blog 2023 - The Turkey Twizzler

02/08/2023

23/07/2023

Day 7 - Carol's Birthday

Today was Carol’s 80th birthday and she had cleared out the living room in the apartment to make room for the anticipated presents......more about this later.

We had a lazy day around the pool and I started to ponder on the subject of swimming shorts. Now I don't want to be accused of s*xism here but there is no way a man invented those heinous things. Why would anyone of the male species design something that closely simulates putting your bo****ks through a potato ricer and then make another fellow male wear them! I sat in the whirlpool bath with the team and suddenly the bubbles began, big bubbles! The pathetic netting inside my shorts gave no support to my plums and they smashed together like a Newton's Cradle causing me great pain. Later, I sat down around the pool and leant forward to pick up a bottle of water from the cool bag and once again the total lack of support caused my long suffering n**s to squeeze n twist. It was like squeezing a partially deflated party balloon and a side bubble appears. They would definitely be in my room 101. It might be that my middle aged years and the intense heat have caused my sc***um to hang down like a distended uvula. I have had my family and Carol has discovered Netflix so there is no need for them anymore, Mehmet suggested that if you can get Turkey Teeth why can't you get Turkey Testicles where they wrap them in wax like a dimsum and whip them off, the freedom would be unparalleled. No more sticking to leather couches or trapping them when getting in and out of a car, I will investigate.......
We ate at the Family Door Steak restaurant again and they had put up party balloons and a banner for Carol which was a nice touch however on close inspection the balloons said "Happy Retirement" ah well it was well meant. The meal went well and Carol got drunker and drunker this was demonstrated when Max, the dashing young waiter, asked her which cocktail she would like. A "Pornstar" she replied her voice thick with infatuation and he replied in broken English "How about me? I'm a pornstar" I moved my head quickly back and forth between them and said "Alright Max don't big your part up too much" Mind you, if I did have the Turkey Testicle operation I could attach a pair of jump leads to his....
I forgot to mention that it was "S**t shirt" night and Barrington and Mehmet did not disappoint! The shirts were appalling and had sloths riding Llamas, cats and rainbows etc. I let the side down by forgetting to order one in time but seeing as the majority of my shirts are s**t it didn't really matter.
We all posed for photographs and I couldn't help noticing that Mehmet always puffed his chest out and had a Cheshire cat smile similar to how we looked during school photos...

Whilst we were in the restaurant I noticed a lady relaxing and leaning back on her chair and she reached up to run her fingers through her hair only to slide them through the hair of the lady behind her! Her knee jerk reaction was to lean quickly forward which only exacerbated the situation because she dragged the poor lady's hair and head with her. It was hilarious and I keep laughing every time I think of it. For the rest of the meal the lady whose hair was molested kept touching her head as if she couldn't unthink what had happened.
At the end of the meal the restaurant owner thanked us all and grabbed Barrington for a photograph, Barrington is not into hugging men in any way shape or form and he looked like the cat off the Pepi le Pew cartoon! The owner also had a shaved head and between them they looked like a Right Said Fred tribute act.
The journey back was similar to the first one with Carol struggling to get in the taxi which was made worse by her inebriation. I think word had gone round in the Turkish taxi drivers fraternity because as as soon as she appeared at the door of the taxi about 7 men appeard from the shadows to grab various parts of her anatomy and pushed her onto the back seat, it was like crowd surfing and Carol climbed straight out of the other side and went back for seconds.

More tomorrow.

21/07/2023

Day 6 - Noodleisious!

Fiona looked tired this morning, we made her a brew and asked why, had Mehmet packed the love swing? No. Had she been inspired by the "Downward Dog" incident. Definitely no. It transpired that Mehmet can not keep still in bed and had been turning over and over again like, to quote Fee verbatim, "a f@%£ing rotisserie chicken ". If Fee had turned off the AC he would have been perfectly cooked by the morning.

We were all excited today because we were going on an all day boat trip which seemed like (and actually was) the bargain of the trip. For £10 each we were picked up from our apartment, whisked away on a 3 tiered boat, swam in the clear warm sea during our several stops, served a delicious lunch of chicken skewers, pasta and salad and finally driven back to the apartments. Incredible!

There were, however, some moments of comedic brilliance that I am going to tell but in no way did any of them detract from the great day we had. Once we had exited the minibus in the morning the girls found sunbeds on the middle deck and Mehmet and I sat on the sea level deck in the relative shade. I nudged Mehmet and glanced surreptitiously at the captain of the ship who had also just exited the drivers seat of the minibus , he only had one good leg, the other was encased in a plaster cast! Then the second family from hell entered the boat, several generations in one group including lots of very excited kids. We had chosen the boat specifically because it was a "Chill out" boat but that was not to be! As they trooped on, and then off, several times to go and shop with only about 5 mins until launch I kept getting a hankering for a McDonalds double cheese burger only to realise it was because one of the ladies had a very petite bottom. As it turned out I would rather have had a double cheeseburger!

Our first stop was in a beautiful cove and we stayed for about an hour which was probably 59 minutes too long as the errant kids jumped out of every window on the boat into the sea and the indifferent parents drank heavily.... At one time the one legged captain hopped towards the back of the boat and angrily shook his crutch (and I mean walking stick...) at the kids, telling them not to hang of the wiring for the lights!
Earlier in the holiday Mehmet and I had gone to a supermarket where he had spotted a floatation device that looked like a long "noodle" and said he would beat Fee up with it if she gave him any hassle, at which point he grasped the deadly weapon and beat up an imaginary person outside the supermarket. As we jumped into the sea Carol got tangled up with Mehmet and I asked her if she had inadvertently put her hand inside Mehmets shorts? "Yes" she replied, "and guess what, I found his noodle..." Jokes about how long it was, how it stretched round ones body etc. abounded. Baz was cautious at first but after a couple of minutes he was like a dolphin on speed, zipping about without a sense of porpoise, sorry.....

Lunch was excellent and I glanced out of the side of the boat to see Captian "pegleg" bloody swimming as well! He had a black bin liner taped around his cast and he was giving it plenty although he could only go one way around the boat! Lesson to all of us, if you think you've got ache's and pains and cannot possibly do anything just think of the marvelous Captain Pegleg.

We returned to the harbour and the Captain hopped over to a minibus and gathered us all up. We slumped in the seats and reflected on the day, glad that we were free of the screaming kids when suddenly the doors of the minibus burst open and all the members of the family from hell embarked onto the minibus. They were shouting and arguing with each other, the kids were in a state of frenzy and we couldn't wait for them to get off the bus so we could relax a little.

The superb day was topped off by a delicious curry from the Altinkum Taj Mahal although I have to admit the Vindaloo I had left my bum twitching like an Eskimos eyelid in a snowstorm..

More tomorrow.

20/07/2023

Day 4 &5 - Banana Bum

These were two bloody hot days and I didn't have the strength to raise an eyelash never mind focus on a keyboard, so I have combined 4&5 due to lack of material.

Apparently in the night Fee had been dreaming about Johnny Depp in a p***s cuff and threw herself to one side in the bed o lynto realise that it wasn't a double and had to squeeze her buttocks tighter than a 10 year old boys just to hold onto the edge of the bed and stay off the floor.

We were having a group chat in the whirlpool bath and Janet was discussing her concern about her memory and how sometimes she couldn't remember some things. I explained to her that bananas were great for memory retention and she should try them. Janet looked at me quizzically and said "How do you know that?" "Well!", I answered, "my uncle shoved one up my arse 40 years ago and I've never forgotten it!" Barrington promptly snorted out a laugh and wee'd a bit in the whirlpool bath...

For some reason I developed "Turkey Tummy" and the thought of leaving the safety of the apartment toilet filled me with dread. The toilet bowl was like a scene from Take Hart (don't worry Emma, you could eat your dinner off it now) and Fee searched through her bag of medicines for the correct tablets which happened to be aptly named "DIARRHOEA RELIEF" I popped two down and they sealed me up faster than you could say "Don't trust a sneeze!" Thanks Fee.

In the evening we ate at a local restaurant which was situated on a busy road junction and we were kept entertained by the absolute s**te driving skills of the indigenous folk. The food was lovely, the staff attentive and the prices reasonable and we were all feeling content until Mehmet shouted "Oh my God that cat's been run over!" followed quickly by "It's dead, it's bloody dead!" We all fell silent as we digested the news and tried to avoid the boy taking the hapless animal away. We vowed not to eat at a busy road side bar for the rest of the holiday. It must be a sad statistic in Turkey as there are hundreds of stray cats and dogs, quite sad really. Day 4 ended with Mehmet whupping all of our asses at Yahtzee.

Day 5 started with Mehmet and I visiting the large Migros supermarket for alcohol refuelling and we found d a wine called "Fiona". I suggested to Mehmet that he should purchase a bottle but he refused saying that it was cheap and gave you heartburn......... I'll let you all draw your own conclusions!
Shout out for Cheryl who came to the apartments today and popped over to see us , I watched her like a hawk but she didn't do anything I could twist into the blog.
Barrington found the hammocks and I videoed him getting in hoping for a £250 prize on You've been Framed. To my disappointment he did it like a pro so no prize there. Once in the hammock he did resemble a kind of human sized va**na....

Mehmet and I walked for a good while to book a table at the Yas Inn which had come recommended to us. Dripping with midday sweat we arrived and booked the table before enjoying a beverage then walked back. We arrived there in the evening only to find a kids party in full swing with varying ages of young people rampaging around the whole place. Everyone wheeled round on us and Mehmet and I had some fast talking to do explain our innocence . Looking back, the manager did say that there was a party that evening but we hadn't realised the entire under 10 population of Altinkum would be there!
We watched the tennis final through the open doorway at Yas Inn and Mehmet told me that Carlos "Alcatraz" had won!

19/07/2023

Day 3 – Mehmets Folly

One of our favourite things to do in the morning is to sit and relax on the balcony with a nice cup of tea and watch the sun rise over the apartments to our left. It seems that the lady in the apartment adjacent to us on the top floor enjoys something a little more spicy on arousal, sorry arising. Carol couldn’t make up her mind whether or not she was gasping for air due to the intense heat or simply getting a good rogering from her partner.... We went for a full english breakfast only to be greeted by a group of middle aged and elderly women being led by the s*x pest in a Pilates session. Barrington asked why we were smiling and I told him that that wasn’t the first time this morning that she had performed a “downward dog”! Barrington went quiet for the remainder of the breakfast with a far-away, almost pensive look on his face.

It was the hottest day so far with the thermometer busting out 38’C and Carol was creamed up and prostrate on the sunbed and was going nowhere! Janet offered to rub suncream on my back which she did with the hands of a seasoned veteran. She was that adept, I suggested that she should open up a massage parlour, maybe call it something like “The Wandering Thumbs”! Anyway she completed the job and said “If you need any cream rubbing in during the day just ask its not a problem” Funny really , that enthusiasm waned to zero when it was time to apply my Anusol.......

Mehmet plunged into the pool like Shamu the Whale and effortlessly completed 3 lengths in a display that would have shamed Adam Peaty. How we gasped in awe as he plowed through the water and how we howled with laughter as he got out and realised his mobile was still in his pocket! He must have thought he was packing something sizeable in his swim shorts because we did not understand how he didn’t feel the weight of it especially when he said that he had taken something else out of his other pocket so that it didn’t get wet!
He was told to pack it in rice to which he queried “Why? Does that dry it out?” I had to put him straight on this:

 Chinese people like rice
 The rice attracts Chinese people
 Chinese people are very clever and they can fix the phone!

Who would have known eh, every day is a school day!

Unfortunatly, Mehemets phone didn’t attract the attention of any Asian electronic experts and it is now well and truly gubbed.

Halfway through the afternoon we lost all power to the complex which in turn stopped any water being pumped so there was no tap water either. We were told not to go in the pool because the filtration system had stopped running. This obviously didn’t apply to some of the locals as they let their kid carry on swimming as we all boiled in the frazzling heat. Carol’s eyes were gimlets of hatred and it was all I could do to stop her dragging the disobedient child out of the water. We retreated to the balcony for refreshments, and two Turkish guys were chatting frenetically to each other, Mehmet asked Fiona if they were talking about the power cut to which she replied ”How the f@ck do I know, I can’t speak Turkish!” Now those of you that know and love Fiona will have read that using the exact replica of her voice..... Power was switched back on fairly soon after that so we all returned to the pool, no harm done except for Mehmets ears....

Last one for today, Barrington learned how to play Mexican dominoes this evening he was a fast learner much to Janet’s surprise. Having lost a couple of games he was now in pole position. We should have guessed, the clues were everywhere! His smug face, the deft placement of his dominoes the last one of which was preceded by an artistic swirl of his wrist. He threw his arms in the air in a defiant display of victory only to be told by Janet and Carol that he hadn’t knocked to signify he was down to his last domino. Well there was hell on! Janet was accused of cheating, Carol was too competitive and we were all b@stards! This was made worse by our howls of derisory laughter. He picked up a domino from the spare pile only to place it , knock then win on his next turn. He left for the evening pleased with his eventual win.

Goodnight

14/07/2023

Day 2 - The Full Moon

It was a scorcher with the thermometer reading 34'C at 9.30am but we had no bread or milk so Mehmet Rigsby and I went to the local store to gather supplies. This was no mean feat in the hot sunshine and I was sweating like Hugh Edwards in a Youth Club within seconds. We stocked up with beer, mixers and then remembered that we were supposed to get essentials, some may argue we got our priorities right. On the way back I slipped on the only patch of moisture in the whole of Turkey and spectacularly did the splits and "kissed" my testicles onto the boiling concrete. If you have ever cooked meatballs you will recognise the small burnt patch when you turn them for the first time. My poor plums looked a similar way. Fortunately I didn't go completely arse over tit so we were able to continue back to the apartment.

The pool is superb and is essential for staying cool in the prodigious heat however one unfortunate guest got a bit more than he bargained for! Barrington was posing in the pool for the ladies doing a few lunges etc. When suddenly he leapt into the air like a salmon returning to its spawning ground. Unfortunately his swimming shorts were not as tightly tied as he thought and he exposed his bare arse to the world and nearly gave the women an eyeful of his seekh kebab!
The guy on the airbed behind him thought it was Hugh Edwards (I know I've referenced him previously but it is topical....) and mentioned something about a full moon and the word "puckered".
Barrington obviously enjoyed his venture into exposure and voyeurism because later that afternoon he was in the whirlpool bath pool, one arm over the rail and had swept his body up onto the shelf looking like Kate Winslett in Titanic, Carol swears she heard him whisper "Paint me like one of your French ladies"

There are several young cats meandering in and out of the tables and sunbeds and Janet has definitely taken a shine to them, I was only commenting to Barrington that the sight of Janet laying on the sunbed playing with her p***y warmed the cockles of my heart.....

The evening was taken up by our trip to Caspers Restaurant where we were shown to our seats and had a huge ac unit blowing lovely cool air at us. I spotted a mixed grill on the menu and the deal was sealed! Just as we were languishing in the cold breeze, Fiona had a menopausal moment and insisted on us moving to a table away from the inside of the restaurant, it was hotter and humid there. BLOODY HELL! To compound the issue I joyfully ordered my mixed grill and seconds later the waitress came back and said that they had a temporary chef that evening and he didn't do mixed grill or steak. I was fuming and barked at the hapless lady "Well what does he do then?" I avoided eye contact in case she spotted my bottom lip quivering with the disappointment. Carol was gipping because Barrington was chowing down on a Sea Bream, head included and we all know what Carol is like with fish!!
To be fair the food was excellent and the people were nice but the fact that they didn't tell us until the end of the meal that they only took cash was a bit of a pi**er as we all had to scrape around trying to find enough Lira to pay the bill!

Day 2 - The Depilation of Barrington

Today was even hotter so as a special treat we decided to walk into Altinkum! Oh how we skipped gayley in the wrong direction because Janet was directing using a version of T**t Nav that was obviously way out of date! Within 5 minutes my all ready parboiled testicles, (see Day 1), had boiled and Barrington and Mehmet had bat wings. I don't even want to describe how the girls' nether regions had been mutated by the heat but at one point I thought that they had opened the seafood restaurant early.....
On the journey we passed a bar called The Shooting Star bar and Barrington froze when he saw that they had a drag act on. "That's not for me" he cried as I tried to wind him up by saying that the singer was really quite fit! I noticed he always walked behind me after that.....

Barrington was looking for a Turkish barber (ironic really because he has the least hair out of all of us..!). Once he had found one Janet kicked off saying "We aren't waiting around in this heat for 20 minutes whilst you have a shave etc." Barrington gracefully agreed only for Janet to say that she was going to look at jewellery & handbags which would have meant he would have go stand around for 20 mins. It was all resolved and Barrington was next seen with wax in every hair bearing or***ce waiting to be depilated. We could have stuffed a bloody pillow with what came out!

We went to a restaurant for a cheeky livener (say that in a Miky Flanagan voice). It was called the Family Door Steakhouse and the views & staff were so good we booked it for the evening. Included in the deal was pickup and drop off to and from the restaurant, spot on!

Back at the apartments we had a quick drink and were ser Ed by a huge enthusiastic waiter who said his English name was Bond, James Bond followed by a laugh that chilled me to the bone....We decided his English name was Domestos simply because he was thick and strong...

We arrived at the steak restaurant and my previous evenings disappointment dissolved as I noticed that they served a mixed grill, not only that you could order a "large" one, nuff said! I insisted that I would like a couple of fried eggs as well and wondered why the waiter, Max, looked aghast.

When the meal,came out I was hit with dual emotions, extreme happiness at the sheer size of the dish and then guilt at the fact that I had insisted on adding two fried eggs! Needless to say there was absolutely no way I could finish it and even after Mehmet had helped me there was still at least half the meal left. Carol cut it all up and went outside to give it to the dogs that had gathered there.
We ordered cocktails and Barrington and Mehmet both had incredible Mojito's, as they leaned in together for a picky Mehmet melted his straw on Barringtons sparkler, true bromance! Fiona had a Long Island Iced Tea which had enough alcohol in it to supply the entire crew of a pirate ship, Carol had an Expresso Martini and I had a massive Blackberry Daiquiri that plunged me into several ice cream headaches before managing to finish it.

On the way back, Carol decided to enter the minibus on all fours backwards! The driver thought all his Christmases had come in together! The three ladies were laughing so hard that the driver starting laughing which in turn them them laugh even harder. Great evening and superb customer service by Max and the team, we will be going back on Day 6, which is Carol's birthday, and Mehmet has promised to dance at the table with Max the waiter, can't bloody wait.....

13/07/2023

The Turkey Twizzler - Day 0

Let me introduce you all to the holiday 2023 gang:

Phil "Blog Meister" Bolus
Carol "To be decided" Bolus
Fiona "Rapunzel" Bruce
Mehmet Rigsby ( Name changed to allow plausible deniabilty)
Baz "The Dolphin" Mailing
Janet "The Seahorse" Mailing

The holiday began with our usual meal out the night before we travel and the meal at Tiziano's on Harrowside was spectacular. We set off to the restaurant in glorious sunshine and drowned 10 minutes later in a deluge that was biblical. Soaked and smelling of wet dog, we took our seats for the evening. During the meal Mehmet declared that he was not going to eat between meals on holiday at which point even Vladimir Putin messaged me and called him a liar.....

On the morning of our trip Carol and I went for a humongous breakfast at the Solaris (just to make sure our blood sugar was stable) and we had invited Fiona and Mehmet but they declined due to rabbit cleaning duties. First of all, Fiona's rabbit was either overused and dirty or underused and dusty not sure which!! Secondly, I tried to get Mehmet to commit to the breakfast by whispering in the corner of his ear..."That's women's work, real men eat a full English..." Obviously this was not said in range of Fiona's hearing, I'm risqué not stupid!

Bob took us to the airport in the BFC minibus, I would recommend this to anyone, great price , smashing bloke.

We arrived at terminal 2 and made our way to the check-in where Barrington mysteriously transformed into an executive travel guide with tourettes! He marched ahead waving his arms shouting come one everyone well be late.. We did have 3 hours to spare at that point... That spare time was eaten when Barrington got strip searched for an illegal Kindle. All he had to do was take it out of a bag and put it in a tray but no, he tried to blag it. When confronted with this, Barrington blamed it on his "drugs mule" Janet.

It didn't take long for Mehmet to break his "no snacking" rule, he launched into a meal deal in the Airport. On the plane he ate a Thai beef curry followed by a massive sandwich which he placed delicately directly into his stomach.

The scouse contingent on the plane were very vocal and it was lovely to hear the words (Say it in a scouse accent) "Sadie get back here!" 50 times a minute as a small child ran up and down the plane. The Dad affectionately called his 9 year old son a "F@!cking Bellend" several times.

I usually get on a plane and stand up and sing the national anthem of Russia and if anyone joins in, I get off....can't be too careful. That said a man in traditional attire prayed at the front of the plane a couple of times during the flight which raised a few eyebrows, Fiona on the other hand empathised completely, she is worst flier I've ever met and at one point she was knelt next to him!

The landing was smooth, disembarkation and passport control great however when we picked up the luggage, there was an English couple, smacked off their t!ts, fighting with the police. Makes you really proud to be British! By the way Baz and Janet have since been released.....

The apartment and complex were incredible and we completed a long day with a Drambui on the balcony. Tune in for Day 1 and 2 tomorrow

Just a simple blog of our holiday in Turkey with friends