06/03/2026
I turned my op (of yesterday) into a Lanky Twang monologue...a cheeky account of a gruesome trip to a specialist dental surgeon, blow by blow with all the gorey details while it was still fresh in my mind. It was actually quite a painfree experience....till the anaesthetic wore off 😂
I was very impressed by the variety of talents the surgeon needed to perfom this procedure. If you're not from Lancashire read it phonetically...it will help with the accent!
Oh, and if you're a bit squeamish ...scoll on by 😂😂😂
Dental Surgeon….Jack of All Trades. By Susan Osborne
By eck! I thowt as I spied allt tools
Laid out on th’operatin table.
“Sit thissen down,” Ee gestured wi a grin
“An put on these goggles if yer able.”
I swallered a lump int back o mi throat
An sat int reclining chair.
Wot’ll be first? I wondered wide-eyed,
As ‘is Nurse reassured me, “There, there.”
A great long needle n syringe came to view,
(gulp) I ‘ope that beggar’s sharp!
I shut mi eyes as it disappeared in mi gob,
An t’ Surgeon got to work.
Much to mi profound relief, I only felt ‘is thumb,
Which I tried not to bite as ee opened mi gob
An mi bottom jaw went completely numb.
I opened mi eyes an a smilin’ nurse
Asked if all was OK.
I nodded mi ‘ead and tried to say ‘yes’,
But mi tongue kinda got int way.
Jack of all Trades in ‘is Surgeon’s cap
Brandished some fine steel tools.
Long thin spikes, scrapers an ‘ooks
An ‘is Nurse wiped away mi drools.
Mi eyes shifted from side to side
As t’ Surgeon worked away,
Wi ‘is ‘ooks n spikes an physical might
As ‘is Nurse sucked allt blood away.
Once again I shut mi eyes
Breathin to keep misell calm
But wen I looked up, a curved needle n ‘ook
Sparked up a bit of alarm!
I watched pink thread bein pulled thru th’air
Mi Surgeon’s a seamstress I do declare!
Wot ee wer stitchin I ‘ad no clue,
But I felt sure this fella knew wot to do.
I closed mi eyes an relaxed best I could,
A slight pause as ee checked all wer gud.
An then it appeared!...Oh the fear it instills!
Wen t’Dentist man-andles ‘is array of DRILLS!
Vibrations of drill against bone whizzed away,
But pain..(surprise) nope!...Not a jot.
Blood n spit wer sucked away
An gauze mopped up allt slop.
Into th’oles some screwy bits went
Secured wi a ratchet spanner,
‘Andled like a top Mechanic,
Wi a Doctor’s bedside manner.
Another pause to check on progress
An ensure I wer still feelin fine,
As a bone graftin paste wer mixed wi grace
To repair this jaw o mine.
Fine spatulas, like an Artist might use,
To sculpt a delicate form,
Scooped up some gunk an shaped it in place
As mi Arty-Surgeon built up mi bone.
A spot o blood on ‘is rubber glove
Caught mi eye as ee deftly worked,
But I felt reassured by ‘is smiling face,
An another sweet smile from ‘is Nurse.
A final X-ray to check ‘is work,
Showed all went accordin to plan
Dentist, Seamstress, Artist, Mechanic……
By Eck! This Surgeon’s a talented man!
