01/08/2026
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City Requires Crystal M**h Users To Participate In Gold Panning Initiative for Shelter Access.
By Al Swanski Senior Reporter
SASKATOON — City Council has unanimously approved a new policy requiring all crystal m**h users to enroll in and participate in a daily gold-panning program in order to access designated overnight shelters. The program is called Tweaking For Gold.
The initiative, according to council briefing notes, addresses what officials described as “an excess of available time currently being applied to activities with no discernible endpoint.”
“These residents are already remarkably industrious,” said Councillor Zach Jeffries. “They sift. They sort. They disassemble perfectly functional objects with the intent to put them back together. The only missing element was direction.”
Under the program, participants will be issued city-approved gold pans and hand tools designed to “keep the hands busy in a purposeful, repetitive, and emotionally satisfying manner without ma********on, which is quite common among male crystal m**h enthusiasts.” Officials confirmed that participation is mandatory, noting that optional structure “has never structured anyone, ever. This will change that.”
While geological experts maintain and have zero evidence the river contains no meaningful gold deposits, council members emphasized that this was irrelevant.
“The important thing is the belief,” said Councillor Bev Dubois. “Belief motivates effort. Effort looks excellent on paper but does actually f**k all unless it’s mandated if these dudes want a warm and safe place to sleep that night.”
All activity will be closely supervised to ensure any gold recovered is surrendered to the city, processed, and redeemed at the current spot price of gold bullion, listed at around $6100 CAD per ounce, at the time of this article.
City lawyers confirmed the program is fully compliant, explaining that access to shelter remains conditional on “demonstrated engagement with the concept of improvement.”
Mayor Cynthia Block praised the initiative as practical governance.
“If people are going to stay busy anyway,” she said, “we’d prefer it happen with a pan, by the river, where it can be pointed at.”
The program begins immediately, pending delivery of equipment and a shared understanding of what success is supposed to look like.
