In Theaters Never

In Theaters Never The Greatest Movies Never Made

Ridley Scott's 1982 cybernoir classic, Bald Runner and Denis Villeneuve's completely unnecessary sequel, Bald Runner 204...
10/02/2023

Ridley Scott's 1982 cybernoir classic, Bald Runner and Denis Villeneuve's completely unnecessary sequel, Bald Runner 2049. In the future no one has hair.

The Wachowskis' 1999 sleeppunk masterpiece, The Mattress and its subsequent sequels
07/02/2023

The Wachowskis' 1999 sleeppunk masterpiece, The Mattress and its subsequent sequels

The Fandoms Must Flow
11/11/2022

The Fandoms Must Flow

This show sucks
10/11/2022

This show sucks

H E L PVoid Simps
26/10/2022

H E L P
Void Simps

"What's the opposite of a masterpiece? What do you call a movie that's so bad it's actually kind of enjoyable? Whatever ...
31/08/2022

"What's the opposite of a masterpiece? What do you call a movie that's so bad it's actually kind of enjoyable? Whatever you call it, this isn't that. Instead, this is what I'd call a 'disasterpiece,' because that's what Hellacape Wars is. A disaster. I attended my local drive-in with low expectations to begin with, but as soon as the opening credit sequence started, I knew they should have been lower. Much, much lower. Once the blaringly loud, punk rock soundtrack kicked into high gear, which sounded even more tinny and piercing on drive-in speakers, I abandoned all hope. The teenyboppers and their dates on all sides of my car seemed to be enjoying themselves, throwing empty softdrink cans and popcorn screenward, and whooping and hollering. As grotesque scenes that vaguely resembled the classic James Mason N**i vehicle, The Desert Fox, spliced with footage of David Lynch's grim take on Frank Herbert's scifi epic, Dune, flashed across the screen, I found myself underwhelemed despite the movie's every effort to shock and awe me. Explosions and screams abound, in your eyes and ears from start to end credits. Did Troma make this movie, I found myself wondering? They might as well have. 1.3/5 stars. -Stilton G. Freeman, for the Times Herald Record, 1988

"What will the world be like in the year 3000? Will we have flying cars? Teleportaion instead of jetliners? Colonies on ...
30/08/2022

"What will the world be like in the year 3000? Will we have flying cars? Teleportaion instead of jetliners? Colonies on distant planets? Nope! Instead we'll have killer cyborgs, rising sea levels and temperatures across the globe, humans hunted to the brink of extinction, shopping malls condemned and out of business (the good ones at least), a digital computer link system containing all the information in the world called "the internet," and a bikini-clad, machine gun-toting, babe to save the day! A truly bizarre and self-purportedly "stupid" vision of the future. It has thrills, it has chills, it has s*x appeal, and it has a totally ridiculous name. What more do you want for an evening at your local drive-in?" - Adam Manspur, New York Post, 1987

"Buckle the f*** up. This makes The Holy Mountain look like The Coffin Joe trilogy. Nearly impossible to find a theater ...
30/08/2022

"Buckle the f*** up. This makes The Holy Mountain look like The Coffin Joe trilogy. Nearly impossible to find a theater that was willing to show this film. Liable to turn viewers completely insane through advances hypnosis and subliminal messaging. The flensing scene was purportedly filmed without the use of any special effects or editing. Viewer discretion STRONGLY advised." -Maria Scroghff for the Chicago Tribune, 1978

Let's NOTFLIX and chill
30/08/2022

Let's NOTFLIX and chill

Soon to be a major motion picture! Don't miss out, reserve your tickets now!
30/08/2022

Soon to be a major motion picture! Don't miss out, reserve your tickets now!

"Dysphorium grabs you by the neck, violently shakes you, and swallows you down whole. A technicolor fever dream of surre...
30/08/2022

"Dysphorium grabs you by the neck, violently shakes you, and swallows you down whole. A technicolor fever dream of surrealism wrapped up in a claustrophobic panic attack. During one showing, ambulences from the closest hospital were called and paramedics rushed onto the scene to resuscitate shocked cinema patrons. Not for the faint of heart--or any heart for that matter. The final scene is a true masterpiece of horrific contortions, spasming and a slaughterhouse's worth of arterial spray. Purchase a bucket of popcorn and enjoy. Or better yet, ask the clerk to hold the butter, hold the salt, hold the popcorn, and keep the bucket handy to get sick in." - Refraiam P. Gorvalli, The New Yorker, 1994

Ask about your free pair before your next screening and experience motion picture cinema in stunning 35-dimensional *VO...
30/08/2022

Ask about your free pair before your next screening and experience motion picture cinema in stunning 35-dimensional *VOID-VISION™️!
*SamCo Void-Vision™️ glasses do not actually allow you to project human skulls, lightning bolts, or any other kinds of energy waves from your eyes. Recommended by 1 out of 10 leading optometrists. Always wear in spacious, well-lit surroundings. Do not wear in the dark. Do not wear for more than 15 minutes a day. Do not wear while in close proximity to microwaves. Keep away from children ages 5 to 18. Not suitable eye protection for the viewing of eclipses, welding, or atomic blasts. Do not wear while driving at night. Do not stare directly at the sun, large bodies of water, or moving trains. Not suitable for visually impaired dogs, fish, rodents, or flightless birds. Further feline testing required. Moderate risk of permanently crossed eyes.

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