11/08/2019
One day of troubled thoughts
“You never put the kettle on the fire, you never do any work in this house, you expect me to do everything, stop drinking the water I boil, it wasn’t for you” Johanna yelled at her.
Windy was only enjoying a nice hot shower after a long day and heard this and yelled back at her mom “What’s wrong if I couldn’t do anything, I have two jobs to work for everyday and I’m not even at home, isn’t it easier for you to help me a little and stop yelling.”
She stopped and stayed still for a while under the warm water that was running down her body and gasped, a few moments earlier they were having quite a laugh listening to the news and political situation in the country, how could it be that her mom was so rude to her she thought and this is not even the first time, “she’s surely not my mom, my mother’s dead” she softly said to herself “She died long ago when she left this home.”
The quarrel went on and on with both of them blaming each other in not fulfilling their duties right and trying to appear blameless to the other, until it came to the point, where Johanna said, “why do you take my things all the time, you try to always have comfort, pay for your comfort, you keep pulling my wall mirror to do your makeup, use your own things.” But, I don’t have one”,said Windy. “I don’t care you don’t have one, stop using my things, stop touching my stuff.”
Windy began to cry, she though, she only started to do this two days back and she’s only taken it twice and for her mom to remember all that and say that, she should hate her so much even though Johanna would like to show a totally different picture when outside the house.
Windy went sobbing to her bed and thought back.
It hurts so much, to have your mom, see her standing in front of you but realise that that face is no longer your mom she’s no more the one when you were little that would be sad if she saw you cry, not the one that will have any kind of motherly feelings for you but, will pretend in front of anyone.
On the other hand her dad, he just left her to her mom and vanished, now he doesn’t even care if his daughter ever existed, he wouldn’t even bother calling her or finding out about her and he had also told her that he will never help her in any of her future work but, if something ever goes wrong with him, it would all be Windy’s fault. All her relatives would blame her, saying she didn’t look after her dad.
Even the work place where she works, she has so much of trouble staying away from all the rural people that was ganging up to find faults of her while she was trying her best to cooperate with them, there’s a massive work load and with all that stress she has to even go nag about getting her salary on time, they haven’t payed her for two months at a stretch and only Praise God, she got a daily deadline to cover so that she’ll get paid at least once a week now, still with pleadings to get that too.
And she once had a loving boyfriend but, he too left her, blaming her that she lied to him but, what about the fact that he kept talking to his ex, how could she have truely trusted him to tell him anything about herself or what she had gone through before, when he hadn’t fully given his present to her. Did he never see the love she had for him, in her eyes? Or was he blind to it because he never had any interest in having her in his future, in the first place? Or his traditions and religion changed his mind?
She had no friends, they were all backstabbers and mean. If ever someone would be a friend of hers it’s only because they wanted something from her or they want to know what’s going on in her life and then criticise her and put her down for situations she cannot do anything about, it was never true friendship, everyone didn’t mind breaking her heart and coming back again because they knew she forgives easily. And they do it all over again and again and every time she trusted someone to come into her life, “no this time she or he will be a better friend to me”. Every time she wants to believe this, they all either mocked her or used her to their advantage or criticised her; even for her parents being divorced, her friend’s parents would treat her so low, the whole community will look down on her.
Can someone feel so alone, so hurt that you could get numb of that pain?
Can someone become so oblivion, that they could even try killing themselves? And when that doesn’t work try destroying themselves...
How hard is it to live in this cruel world while keeping your standards and status? How hard is it for people to be a little nice to someone? Sometimes she wondered.., is it never the others fault, was she too nice or naive? Or was it the terrible events she had gone through or the pain that she’s being carrying for so long that made her numb to any situation that she doesn’t know how to react anymore?
She doesn’t want anyone’s sympathy or doesn’t like anyone pitying her but, she would love to have someone by her side that she can trust, someone who will understand her and love her whatever the situation, someone who’ll show unconditional love to her cuz she has so much love to give back, I think she deserves it more than ever now!
Everyone going through depression, would feel this way, or much much worse. They’ll not understand to convert their emotions and thoughts into words, it’ll feel like no one understands you or even want to understand you. But, you still have hope.
Everyone that deserves good doesn’t receive that from this world that is filled with selfishness, cruelty, jealousy and abuse; she understood that Almighty God put her through so much because she had to become strong, stronger than ever before and understand that this world will always be a lonely place for her. She learned to trust only in the one true God and expect all the good only from Him. Today, she is not alone but standing strong.
This is not even scratching off the surface of what she has truly gone through so far, what are you going through today?
Whatever it is, will you let it stop you or slow you down?
This world will never change for you but, you can change this whole world through your love and kindness.
NEVER GIVE UP! KEEP GOING, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN EVER, TRUST IN GOD, NOTHING CAN STOP YOU NOW!
NOW IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE‼️
