28/07/2026
Bit of silliness I wrote yesterday.
Artwork by meva
AusAlert Fomo
Ah-ha! Today’s the day!
It’s on my mind all morning—
in the shower, on the train.
2pm, 2pm, 2pm, don’t forget.
At work I’m stocking shelves
grinning big to myself thinking about
the national emergency warning system.
Mass alerts for critical disasters.
Planned test-run. AusAlert. 2pm.
At 1.59pm I stop walking the aisles,
freeze on the spot, phone in hand,
waiting for the long-anticipated tone.
How exciting! A moment for all of us
to bond over a shared experience.
Something that unites us.
We can all laugh about it together.
‘What an annoying noise!’
‘Oh, I know!’
‘Well, glad it works!’
‘Anyway, back to life, I guess!’
The anticipation is building now
and some of the customers know it,
I can see it in their eyes,
they know what’s up,
and if they don’t they’re in for a shock
because it’s about to happen now.
I’m gripping my phone so I won’t miss it.
Annnny second now,
terrible suspense.
On my phone, 2 replaces the 1.
HAPPY NEW YEAR! it’s 2pm!
There are two seconds of silence,
harrowing, feels like forever.
Until at last ah-ha! a far away hum,
bmmmmm—
followed by an almost shrill-tone, closer—
beeeeeeeep—but faint, weak.
More tones from more phones
(beeee((beeeeeeeep))eeeeep)
start mashing together to form
one solid, harmonious
BEEEEEEEEEEP!
Here we go, it’s my turn baby, yeah!
And my eyes are fixed on my phone like
‘You can do it, sweetie, come on!’
but nothing happens.
Absolutely nothing.
Now I’m wondering
what the hell is wrong with me?
Why didn’t I get the AusAlert?
Why did they get it? Why not me?
Am I even real? Do I truly exist?
The beeeeeeps die off together.
A few people laugh and roll their eyes,
‘What an annoying noise!’
‘Oh, I know!’
‘Well, glad it works!’
‘Anyway, back to life, I guess!’
but I’m not part of their bonding.
I feel excluded. Different. Forgotten.
Bloke With The Big Grin says to me,
thinking he’s the next Jim Jefferies:
‘You’ve got no hope in the fires, mate’.
What a joker. That’s nothing to laugh about.
If something’s on fire, I’ll be last to know.
This is, without a doubt, a bad omen.