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Sin Bandera Poetry, Wichita, KS (2026)

03/08/2026

It has never ceased to amaze me that life keeps moving forward.

Now, I know the obvious response is an eye roll and a snarky, "well, duh!" But hear me out.

I lost my husband in 2021. My world, for all intents and purposes, stopped that day. My kids will forever be 24, 20, and 17. My nephews will forever be the young men trying to finish school and find their way in life. My friends' kids will forever be tiny humans.

Come to find out, the world actually kept turning. My boys are (almost) 29, 25, and 22. My nephews are grown, working dispatch, starting families, living their lives. One kiddo is now 10, another almost 5, one os 2, another a senior in high school.

Life goes on.

And no matter how hard I tried to fight it, mine did too, and I'm glad it did. I'm now in the most secure, stable, and healthy relationship I've ever been in. I'm happy. Adopting a kid of our own. Have 2 spoiled dogs.

Life still has its challenges, and there are days I still miss my husband. I still love him. But I wouldn't trade my wife for the world. She has been my rock through everything, my confidante, and my absolute best friend.

I guess the message is simple: life goes on.

02/10/2026

Finding the right partner is one of the most liberating feelings you will ever experience; at least in my humble opinion. In years past, I would get in trouble for having sneezing fits, for sniffling, for being generally unwell, because, you know, I should be taking medications to cure all these issues (nevermind the fact medications don't always work for me).

My current partner hasn't gotten upset with me once. I have had a sinus infection for over 13 weeks - yeah - over 3 MONTHS. And I still have 6 weeks before I can have surgery to correct these issues.

But I haven't heard one time that I should just go take medicine. Not a single agitated huff. Instead, I'm asked if I'm alright after a 10-sneeze marathon. I'm asked if I need ibuprofen or tylenol when my head is throbbing due to sinus pressure. If I am struggling badly, I'm brought medication, water, and even kleenex to bed so I don't have to get up.

This is a feeling I've never had before. I don't always have to be the strong one. I don't have to hide my pain and act like I'm not ready to sob because it hurts so badly.

In turn, I do what I've always done, and take care of my partner, too. But just knowing I'm not going to be given the cold shoulder, or talked to like I'm sick on purpose is amazing. What a blessing.

12/28/2025

The year slowly draws to a close, which means it's time for reflection.

This year has had many ups and downs. I married the love of my life, and we are working on adopting a little boy, we spent time with family and friends, lost loved ones.

But it seems the thing that stays constant is love.

No matter the challenge, we stand stronger together. We may not understand what the other is feeling all the time, and we may not be able to make the situation better, but we stand side by side.

It really is the little things that matter. And so I urge you, friend, to try something new. No matter how long you and your partner have been together, chase them. Chase them like you're trying to win them and see what happens. Do something in their love language. Surprise them with flowers, or a note. Make their favorite meal or treat. It's too easy to fall into routine and take our partner for granted.

But most of all, take care of yourself. Don't forget that you're important too. Do something nice for yourself, even if it's as simple as a candlelit bath, or indulging on YOUR favorite treat. You need to be loved as much as those around you. Trust me.

12/07/2025

Some days, I wish people could see you as I do. The soft you. The gentle you. The you that has been taught to hide.

I wish they could see the way you soften and light up when I say, "you're beautiful." The way you nestle into my chest as you fall asleep, free from the chaos of the day. The way the light caresses you just so, and you look positively divine.

But then, I wonder what would happen. I know what the world does to beautiful things. I wouldn't want to that for you.

So instead, I sit here watching you sleep, watching the peace and serenity on your face, and I smile. This moment was made for me.

04/17/2025

Healing is messy. And the more i work on it, the more I realize certain events have left me traumatized.

Example: many years ago, we were burning the jungle of weeds that was our front yard. The wind picked up, so we stopped. The wind blew an ember to the house and the weeds started on fire. No big deal, we put it out.

Hours later, my hubby & a couple others went out hunting and I stayed with the kids. I had to go pick up the oldest, and the other 2 went with me.

As we were nearing home, I saw the prettiest orange glow. And then it hit me. That was our house!

After panicking for a brief moment, I called 911 and then was able to get the fire out with a garden hose.

Some time later, hubby & his hunting buddies returned home after seeing all the emergency lights. I wanted so badly to fall into his arms and seek comfort while I cried all the stress and fear away, but was told, "Now isn't the time."

We pulled a mattress into the living room as our room wasn't usable due to the fire making it through part of the wall. I saw his phone and that he had been talking to, and COMFORTING his ex about this situation. Someone who wasn't there, and had nothing to lose took precedence over me - the one who was there, who dealt with everyone's emotions.

I just want to know why. Why didn't I deserve to hear that it's ok, it's over, and everyone is safe? Why didn't I deserve even a hug, and the affirmation that I wasn't in trouble despite the angry words? Why was someone else the priority?

I have many examples and traumas, but this one really got me thinking. What is wrong with me that I didn't deserve the love others so easily had? Was i so bad a person that I wasn't worthy of comfort and reassurance?

Fast forward to today. I'm in a healthy relationship where we talk about everything. We have no secrets. We say, "i love you," and touch, and share love in all the languages. And still i don't believe it.

I'm still waiting to be told there's someone else. That this was all a cruel joke. That I still don't deserve the love I receive.

Healing is not linear. I just wish the scars weren't so deep.

03/11/2025

Everyone wants to talk about the perfect relationship as if it just falls out of the sky one day, and lands a wedding ring on your finger. But nobody wants to talk about what it took to get there, or how hard it can be to maintain.

The perfect relationship isn't perfect. Not by a long shot. It is comprised of two imperfect people willing to put in the work to stick together and learn about each other, their triggers, their moods, their idiosyncrasies. It involves hard talks, hurts, willingness to forgive, and willingness to change.

I have had more than my fair share of relationships that I thought were perfect, but in truth, they weren't. I wasn't ready, or they weren't. And each one hurt me in its own special way.

Scrolling through old phone notes, I found many heartbreak poems of letting go - of a willingness to sacrifice my own heart so that other person could do whatever it was they wanted - be with whoever they wanted. I spoke of how it hurt to let go, but my willingness to see them happy outweighed my own fragile heart.

Looking through my poetry, I have probably over a hundred such poems and fragments.

The relationship I'm in now will be my last. Not because I've given up on love and hope, but because, with all the flaws we both have - it's perfect.

She came to me when I had literally given up on finding someone who would love me for me. Someone who wouldn't see what I could give them and use me til the last drop. Someone who wouldn't manipulate me into getting what they want when they could simply just ask.

We met at a coffee shop, and we both just knew this was it. You'd think that would mean things were easy, right? Yeah...no.

I have had plenty traumas that have made me try to sabotage the relationship. I tried hard to tank it, because if it was me who broke it - it was easier to handle than someone else leaving me for their own purposes. But she didn't leave. We talked through the things I had done and why, and we made changes. Change is hard. And scary. And not something I readily do. But we made it work.

And we communicated.

A lot.

Her traumas make her misread things and think she isn't enough, which couldn't be farther from the truth. But we still talk about it and work through it. We work together with our traumas, always talking, working through things as they come up. We do try to avoid triggers, but with each passing day, those triggers lessen.

In 95 days, we are getting married, and I am absolutely dead terrified. You see, every time I've been happy, it's been ripped away from me. I'm still expecting the, "I love you...but..." to come. I'm waiting for the camera crews to jump out and scream "GOTCHA!" And yet, I know it isn't coming, but I'm still afraid of it.

We remodeled a bedroom in our home so we can adopt one day when we're ready. New paint, new carpet, and furniture for a child. I'd be lying if I said I didn't stare at it the other day and tear up, ready to simply walk away from the entire thing. Why?

Why would I be willing to leave something that's so perfect for me? Because of fear. Traumas. That's what I'm talking about. Even the most perfect thing can spark a trigger you didn't know you had. I don't understand why it was a trigger. We picked out the paint together. Painted the room together. Picked out and laid carpet together. Picked out furniture together. We each had our opinion and found something that we both liked.

I've never really had that.

I've never been able to say, "I don't really like this...can we try something else?" I've always been "difficult," or "argumentative." I've always just, "made life hard," and I can't tell you the number of times I've heard, "If I died tomorrow, I would be sad that I wasted that day with you because you make life so hard."

I'm still waiting for that.

But in the meantime, we are planning our wedding. Working to put the details together into the most amazing day. Building a life from the ground up, with a solid foundation of communication, trust, and unconditional love. Each "thing" we are doing - another brick that will eventually lead us home - to our forever home. A place where we can raise our kids to be kind souls who will never question what love really is - because they will see it and live it every day.

I guess the moral of this story is that the perfect relationship isn't going to be handed to you. You're going to have to go through some storms to get to the blue skies - and you're going to have to put in the work if you want it to last.

But let me tell you - it's so very worth it.

01/07/2025

I look back at posts from 16 years ago, and all I can do is think of the massive abuse I could have avoided if I had just been a little smarter. Some of it is triggering. I see what I've written and realize how much I loved the person I thought they were, not who they actually were. I see all the years I tried to change myself to fit their ideal image, and no matter how much I changed, i was still never good enough. I realize how much I've grown and while the narcissistic abuse still haunts me, I am no longer an abused girl. I am loved, respected, and treated right. I still have a hard time trusting the good times, but there hasn't been a fall. No, "i love you, but..." No abuse. Emotional abuse is real, even if you don't see physical scars. And it's possible to heal

12/03/2024

"You're too much."

"You're too weird."

"You're not enough."

"You'll never be what I want you to be."

"You're so clingy!"

"She's younger and has more potential."

"Why can't you be more like her?"

"You're damaged goods."

The never-ending outcrying of my intrusive thoughts slow to a dull whisper, as if someone gently speaking in another room, when my wife crawls into my arms at night. She rests her head on my chest, sighs softly, her breathing evening out, and before long, she's asleep in the place she feels safest.

I run my fingers through her hair and she nestles even closer, pulling the blankets tight around us - keeping not only the chill away, but the influence of the outside world as well.

I know she has heard many of the same things. Has experienced many of the same things, and more. Neither of us had truly been loved in our love language. We have been used. Abused. Manipulated. Thrown away. Broken. And then gaslighted to feel like it was our fault, somehow.

We had both given up on finding true love. I had been in a tumultuous relationship that was on-again-off-again and was doing no favors to my heart and she... well, that's her story. I'll not share it. We had both given up. That's the gist of it.

When we met, it was as if we had known each other our whole lives. It was easy. We joked, laughed, bantered, and talked about everything under the sun. There was no topic off limits. And the best part, was that there was no judgment or shame. It was right then and there that we just knew we were destined to be together.

I know it sounds cheesy. "Too good to be true." Rushed. Disney. But it's all completely true. We haven't spent more than a couple days apart since we met, and it has been the most amazing ride. We have shared our ups and downs. Hard times. Enough stress to destroy most marriages. And yet, here we are... standing strong.

Why?

Because we value each other. Have learned each others' traumas and don't use them against one another. We talk about everything - even the hard things... especially the hard things. We communicate in our love language, which is largely touch. We plan dates and do things together. We constantly surprise each other. It's the little things.

Yes - "happily ever after" is a real thing, and not just a Disney concept. I promise you, that if you have a solid foundation of respect and communication, it's completely possible.

Don't take your partner for granted. Love them the way they need to be loved. Express your own needs. Don't use their past against them.

11/18/2024

I am a hopeless romantic in a throwaway world.

I believe in soul mates and twin flames. I believe in love and that, with work, patience, understanding...it can last a lifetime. I believe that s*x is for more than just a one night stand, and someone should seduce your mind before ever seeing your body.

I believe people are so desperate to be loved that they throw the word around like confetti without knowing the commitment it brings. I believe broken people break people until they are ready to be loved properly, and all it takes is a steady heart who finds beauty where others shy away from imperfections.

I believe hearts like mine are meant to love hard and carry the scars from those who don't understand how to love and be loved.

And carry the scars, I do.

And love hard, I continue.

No matter the cost.

No matter the cost.

11/15/2024

People complain about someone with "golden retriever energy." What is that, you ask? The phrase was coined online in 2021 and is, "a partner who is easygoing, loyal, and supportive, and who makes being in a relationship fun."

Show me the downfall of such a partner.

Why would you complain about a partner who isn't uptight, cheating, and doesn't care about your aspirations? Why is it such a bad thing? Why do we have to label our partners like this, as if they need to be categorized.

I love that my own partner is like this - she doesn't doubt any of my outlandish dreams or goals. She doesn't tell me im dumb for reaching for the stars. She even supports my going to school and working an extra job just because. She is happy to see me at the end of a long day. She is so easy to be around. And unlike a real golden retriever, doesn't try to sniff my butt or p*e on the floor in excitement. I'd call it a win-win.

You can keep your judgments and partners who don't nurture you. I'll keep my golden retriever energy partner and be the happiest I've ever been.

11/08/2024

We are all different. That's what makes the world go around. But when you break us all down to our base elements, I think it's safe to say that we all want the same things in a relationship. To feel safe, secure, and loved by our partner.

What does it take to feel that way? Again, everyone is different.

My partner and I are both very similar. Our love language is touch. Holding hands, shoulder rubs, scalp massages...simple things mean the most. We enjoy cooking together, and working on our own projects together.

I like to do little things like getting her flowers every now and then. Reeses peanut butter cups are one of her favorites, so I throw those in her backpack before she goes to work. Remembering her favorite things.

Some people like grand gestures - big vacations, expensive gifts, flashy presents. Some people, like my partner and I, don't.

I think it is incredibly important to know your partner's love language and provide them reassurance that you care for them in a way they feel safe. We ask why relationships don't last long anymore, and I feel the answer, generally speaking, is easy: we have stopped putting effort into our partners.

So take your person to dinner. Buy (or pick!) flowers for them. Run them a bubble bath, cook for them, put on a cheesy movie and cuddle. It doesn't always have to be extravagant. Try it, and see what changes.

10/18/2024

I am forever astounded at how people talk to their spouses. The amount of sarcasm, rudeness, snipey comments, and just a general lack of respect...it breaks my heart. Now, I understand that we all have our bad days, and one conversation is not likely representative of the entire relationship, but this is the person YOU chose to be with. Why wouldn't you talk to them as you'd like to be talked to? I couldn't imagine talking to my wife with that sort of tone or disdain in my voice.

Relationships don't last like they used to because we don't value our partners like we should. I said what I said.

Sin Bandera Poetry

03/08/2026

02/10/2026

12/28/2025

12/07/2025

04/17/2025

03/11/2025

01/07/2025

12/03/2024

11/18/2024

11/15/2024

11/08/2024

10/18/2024

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