05/11/2021
Super excited about the coverage for a screenplay about my story:
LGBTQ+ Los Angeles Film Festival has added a note to your submission:
NOTE: This script is almost ready. Re-submit with a new draft and it has more than an excellent chance of being selected.
SISSY SAMMY IN THE LAND OF WEHO
OPENING
This is a Wizard of Oz adaptation set in the world of West Hollywood.
WHAT WORKS
It's very clever and charming. The characters are fun to watch and it's great to see where the writer takes the story. The message is lovely. It feels very well-developed and clean. Great work!
NEEDS WORK
There's not much to alter in the piece. The main issue, which is subject and dependent on what the reader wants to do with this piece, is the length. It's just an awkward amount of pages for this story, which will most definitely be longer than 30 minutes. Typically, standalone shorts find success in sub-20 page counts mostly because they are more easily programmable in festivals and competitions. Once a short requires more time, it invites more criticism and speculation. The other option would be to expand on this piece and see if the world can be developed even further, resulting in a feature-length film. The writer clearly has the skills, intelligence, and imagination to churn out a longer version of this story, where the world is explored more. This is the more difficult option but could result in a very pleasing version of the story. To make it shorter, the writer could need to kill some darlings, but the final version would flow like hell. It would be great reference after great reference and the viewers wouldn't know what hit them. It would also be much more producible, which is an aspect this piece already struggles with. These are obviously criticisms more geared towards producibility rather than narrative aspects. But that's what is difficult about short films. They are an intermediate artform. If they aren't supposed to be made, what's the point? And shorts already struggle because there is a small market currently, which returns us to the length issue. It's just about trying to get this piece made, first and foremost.
OVERALL
This is a very fun, well-written short. The world is explored well and the writer clearly cares about this story. It would be fun for almost anyone who tunes in. There are some tonal points that trend dark, but the heart is in the right place. Revisit the length.
