A Modern Poet , A Dark Mind

03/02/2024

https://amodernpoetadarkmind1.wordpress.com/2024/03/02/compendium-by-joshua-r-bruce/

03/02/2024

Will be posted as they become available. Rough Draft and Working Narrative Order (soon to be published by Fulton Books COPYRIGHT -PROTECTED CONTENT -Do Not DISTRIBUTE) AUTHORS NOTE -Forward - The following writing's have been composed mostly the last 15 years of my life. When I was at a low place in my life and found myself in the darkness of sadness and hopelesness the only way to understand what I was feeling was to express it honestly and truthfully and in doing so I was at least able to comprehend why I felt the way I did....

03/02/2024

Statement
By Josh Bruce

I wont say your intials.
You know your own name.
And you already took everything.
I have no means to give you fame.
What the f**k just happened.
Isn't it obvious I have no clue..
Can you tell from the panic.
I am not in the same reality as you.
Stuck in place.
Back in time.
I keep saying that.
Here it is in a ryhme.
I know what I saw.
I remember what I heard.
This is not computable.
The notion Im sure was absurd.
What the f**k?
What the hell was that?
This is not real.
Where the f**k am I at?
Im way back there.
The moment you left my place.
Love you too babe.
You said right to my face.
Next thing I know.
You are not person I knew.
Someone I dont know.
Id know for sure if its you.
A mind f**k.
Beyond anything Ive never known.
Evident as hell.
Readily shown.
Blaming me.
For something I didnt do.
Are you f**king serious.
After what I did for you?
I do not need to say it.
But maybe I should if you forgot.
But everything must be a secret.
You go crazy if not.
You want me to shut up.
Thats what you expect me to do.
While my reality shatters.
Do you know what I am going through?
Have you no limits?
To what you do to me.
Dont play f**king innocent.
Of something everyone can see.
We had a deal.
If you go , I do too.
You knew that.
You understood why that was true.
My entire being.
Is falling apart everyday.
Everyday with no answer.
Nothing to even f**king say.
No accountability.
Intentionally torn apart.
All for the crime.
Of giving you my f**king heart.
If you think Ill stay.
Just see past whats inside.
Constant damage.
Pain with no where I can hide.
This isnt a game.
Im not amused.
You dont hear in my voice.
This is beyond f**king baffling.
So I cant get a grip.
On what I cant see.
You do not really get.
Just how much this is destroying me.
Thats not manipulation,
To tell you what is true.
Acting as though I ever.
Did anything like that to you.
As if you werent there.
But thats not the case.
You were there.
Looking right in my face.
So explain it.
Cause it wasnt a dream.
You know what happened.
Thats how it should seem.
You cant do what you did.
To someone and it not have a price.
A rather unpleasant one.
One that to myself isnt nice.
Cause I am that same day.
And I cannot see.
Any other way.
Drowning.
Gasping for air.
The person besides me.
All the sudden isnt there.
And if she goes.
What the hell was it i said?
When I told you.
Holding you in my bed.
Anything for you sweets.
Whats mine is yours too.
Including my life.
That was listed as what Id do for you.
And since you told me.
That was what should be done.
I have to agree.
I doubt you absolutely none.
Thanks for the advice.
I appreciate you.
I believe your right.
Always do what you tell me to.
I am so lucky.
To fall in love with you.
Something you said was mutual.
Strange how you now tell me this to do.
But I gave my word.
And I never told you lies.
Honest the whole way.
Only truth spoke to your eyes.
You knew.
That this would break me.
Standing there watching.
This next part.
You dont wanna see.
So keep looking away.
Dont dare turn around.
Ignore the loud noise.
Pretend like you dont hear this f**king sound.

(For Ashlee Peterson Sellers - 2-4-24)

03/02/2024

I have been offered the oppurtunity by Fulton Books Publications to Publish a Book To Be released in hard copy and ebook form at Barnes and Noble , Google Play and Amazon and am in the process of organizing the final rendition of Comendium By Joshuar Bruce to be released hopefully this Spring. Thank you for the years of support to those that know who you are.

03/02/2024

"The Last Broadcast"

Where am I at?
What am I here for?
Where is my place?
Is there anything f**king in store.
I don’t know.
And the same answer twice.
Another time too.
The same answer will suffice.
Nothing is coming.
That is now very clear.
Something was coming.
She still feels very near.
You were my reason.
To not give up and die.
And you ran away.
Without saying goodbye.
My world is dark.
I feel like a ghost.
Absent you.
The one I cherished most.
More than any.
More than all of the rest.
I was certain.
That you were the very best.
But you weren’t.
You were worse than them all?
Narcissistic or trauma?
Tell me which is the call.
Because I don’t know.
You told me who you were.
Over the course of the journey.
I took you at your words.
Words that lied to me.
I know so much.
About a person who never there.
Doesn’t exist.
I was talking to the air.
So I’m crazy it seems.
I imagined the interaction.
Made it all up.
What a self harming infraction.
How f**ked up am I?
To think I know you.
The nerve I must have.
Thinking your sentences true!
You got me good.
Ha ha me!
A spectacular trick.
Demonstrated by thee.
Less and less makes sense.
The hours shatter more inside.
Why even say any of it.
Untruths you had to confide?
For what?
Why bother to say a word?
Now everything must be examined.
Inside lies the facts are blurred.
I think your full off s**t.
What your saying now is the lie.
I know it wasn’t in my head.
I remember looking into each eye.
To measure the validity.
Of the descriptions you said.
Judging your mannerisms.
All those moments in my bed.
So I’m gonna say the truth.
Yes I know who you are.
I know you very well.
More than anyone else by far.
I see right through.
The attempt to put up a wall.
I knocked those down long ago.
Me and those walls had a brawl.
They lost.
I turned them all to dust and dirt
Smashed them repeatedly.
Until my hand was bloody and hurt.
To see the person.
That was really there.
And there she was.
Her true self laid bare.
So I don’t tell me I don’t know.
Things I definitely do.
What I do or don’t.
Isn’t decided by you.
I’m aware.
Of what I have or don’t.
That’s easy to just admit.
But you won’t.
That’s something you tell yourself.
To project as evidence.
Repeat out loud.
Mechanism of defense.
So you can ignore.
What anyone may say.
Pass it off.
Block it out another day.
Then use your anger.
To lash out at me.
Reinforce it.
Block out anything you won’t see.
Cause that would ruin.
Your act of denial.
Can’t admit someone does.
That’s your style.
To keep the cycle going.
Around and around.
Keep everyone listening.
From the truth being found.
I know what.
You told me while alone.
So do you.
You remember in what tone.
One fact that conversation.
Another on the phone.
Time and time again.
When no one is near.
You’d reveal a little bit.
Making the whole thing clear.
As we went on.
I could complete the picture.
Forming the image.
Of who was her.
And once I got it done.
You denied it was there.
Convincing everyone around.
I saw nothing but air.
But you don’t fool me.
Not one little bit at all.
Your games don’t work.
There were no barriers up to fall
I let you in.
And you let me in too.
Deny it’s the case.
Do what you do.
No one can fix.
What you broke carelessly.
No matter who you text.
Their not able to help me.
Block it out.
Pretend that’s not the case.
Even after I told you that.
Right to your face.
That’s why your mad.
That’s your play.
Bury your guilt.
Using any f**king way.
There is no blocking.
The result of your behavior.
Asking for accountability.
Is not asking for a savior.
If you make a mess.
Then you clean it too.
Bitching to others to do that.
Is why you continue to do.
And then you blame me.
Make me seem like the bad guy.
I must have missed something.
Cause I didn’t hit you in the eye..
I knew going in.
That your issues were real.
I accepted them all.
As part of the deal.
Cause you had no one.
Not a single one to trust.
So i stepped up for you.
It seemed like a must.
So you don’t get to throw me away.
You don’t get to just forget.
After I’ve bled for you.
Responsibility for me you get.
So who’s the coward?
Who is not being grown up now?
Who really is not acting right?
Down in the comments say how.
But you won’t say a word.
To anyone around.
Because you already know.
What will be found.
The blame placed on you.
The truth laid all out.
And you can’t stand admitting.
That may be what your about.
Well man the f**k up woman.
Deal with your actions.
Stop blaming others.
For their justly caused reactions.
Playing games with my life.
Treating it as worthless.
Cutting off any possible help.
Til I’m totally hopeless.
Ends in one thing.
A scientific equation.
Caskets and flowers.
For a sad f**king occasion.
So schedule your calendar friends.
Clear some space.
Cause she wants to pretend.
All she wanted was space.
Started a fire.
Then ran the F**k away!
Watching it burn down.
From over that way.
Down to the frame.
It’s collapsing right now.
Best put it out.
I told you just how.
Soon just ashes.
Will be all that can be found.
And the man you said you loved.
Will never be found.
Last lines I’ve got.
To send the f**king message to you.
Last god damn attempt.
That is certainly true.
This is not a cry for help.
That’s only for one.
If she doesn’t hear it.
Tomorrow I won’t see the sun.

(For Ashlee S. Febuary 20 2024)

03/02/2024

"Alone"

Another day alone.
Another sleepless night.
Life goes by outside.
Only I have lost sight.
The thoughts in my head.
The pain in my chest.
Drowns out all reason.
I think about one thing,while drowning out the rest.
Why did you do this to me.
How could you condemn me to pain.
Rationalization doesnt come.
Slowly my mind drifts insane.
I see my little boy.
In my head i rock him to sleep.
My eyes open and hes gone.
If I had anymore tears I would weep.
So my thoughts turn to vengence.
To the one that has wronged me.
Out there living it up.
Refusing to look and see.
Everyday I pray for death.
An end to constant strife.
If that what it takes for you to notice.
Ill gladly sacrifice my life my life.
No one notices.
That I never smile or talk.
I guess they think its stupid.
So down this terrible path I walk.
Its not stupid to me.
Even though I cant explain it in my head.
I cannot change what I feel.
And I would rather be dead.
I have a dream that is my family.
And this is not the way it is supposed to go.
This overwhelming feeling.
This is wrong I truly know.
Before I do what has to be done.
I hope to convey my mind.
This burden has grown to heavy.
No untying the ties that bind.
I want to say thank you.
To my brother most of all.
He tries to help me.
On unhearing ears his advice does fall.
I wish I could be like him.
Unfortunately I cannot be.
This is not a choice.
This is me.
The me that she made.
The equation of her math.
The outcome of our decisions.
The ashes in the wake of her wrath.
A lost soul I am.
Her guiding light now gone.
In the night I feel my way forward.
No guidance except a sad song.
The music filters thru my brain.
Solace I find in the tune.
Feels like I feel.
The words tell me it wil end soon.
How can you do this to me.
You promised you'd be at my side.
You have taken my boy from me.
You spit on me and lied.
I cannot contemplate this is real.
The thought refuses to hold.
A thought so unbearable....wrong.
Leaves me numb and cold.
Thats where you left me.
Thats my every moment and day.
All the while trying to drown out.
The terrible things you say.
You ask why Im like this.
A question that makes no sense to me.
Remember me on my knees?
The look on my face , didnt you see.?
Remember the tears falling?
Soaking the shirt you wore.
Remember you stopping the bleeding?
What were the words you swore?
Or do you just block it out?
Because thats obviously what I deserved.
After all the times I defended you.
The unyielding loyal time I had served.
Im still on my knees. From that bedroom I haven't gone.
I guess thats were I'll stay.
I didnt think your tantrum would take this long.
Every car door closing It's supposed to be you.
Coming home where you belong.
But it never ever is.
Back to the headphones,back to another song.
Do you know how it feels to be truly lost?
To mentally not be fit to survive?
I dont think you do.
And I dont think I want to be alive.

(For Becky 2012)

03/02/2024

-The noose -

End this nightmare of me

I can’t sleep & I can’t relax

I sit awake until I don’t

I feel lost , these are facts

Over and over the question

What got me to this brink

Whenever I reach the surface

Once again I begin to sink

Treading water nervously

In the great sea called I

Sharks are circling

To myself I say goodbye

I love life

But I merely exist

I’m not supposed to be here

That thought does persist

To feel alone

Is a blessing I would take

I feel like a ghost

Gods accidental mistake

I’m screaming right now

Yet you don’t hear a sound

I die every night

Casket lowered underground

What is wrong with me

What did I ever do

I don’t deserve this.

I can’t make ever it thru .

The other side is far

Over the horizon and more

The journey is endless

And the map has been tore.

I miss the life that I had earned with my one and only son

I want to fight for it

With my voice and with my gun

Such is my right

Such is my claim

I have the right to dictate

What’s best for those with my name

Nothing here is real

Or it would all make sense

This however does not

Unless your a f**king moron who’s dense .

I am no fool

And I am not asleep

The days of coparenting

Are about to be burned in a heap

An organized action

To destroy the sacred family

It’s Evident as f**k

For baby momma not to see

She was once smart

She had logic and a brain

Replaced it all

When she went insane

Indoctrinated or not

She’ll answer to god and the son

Answer she will

That’s not a debate that’s begun

Selling out god and giving up your soul to Satan

Is certainly what she did

It wasn’t just cheating you participated in

So I’ll see you in Hell Becky

And I hope you enjoy that view

I won’t be there tho

Because I didn’t commit evil like you

Lie all you want

Lie to my son even more today

In the end god doesn’t care

For the excuses you say

Your convincing yourself

Your not changing what’s true

All of my suffering and pain

Is because it’s what you chose to do

Guilty as charged

And the jury has spoke

Maybe you should of listened to Jesus

Instead of a predator claiming he’s woke

Preyed on you he did

Preyed on your family

And in the door you let him

Becoming the worst a mother can be

You didn’t just let the snake in

You gave him keys to the place

You betrayed your own words

That is truly the case

So enjoy it now

Later comes fire and flame

And when your long gone baby

People will still know my families name

You lose and you lose

That’s the way it will go

Because you took a mans son

To use for a paycheck we all know

Your son will understand it all

He probably already can see

He’s thinking of when he had a normal life

Thinking there wasn’t anything like what you claimed it to be.

He misses his room.

The life he would of had

Replaced now with this s**t.

So that his mom could get dick for being sad

Pathetic is what you are

And I know you best

Regardless of what you say now

Long ago I aced that test

My journey is before me

And because of you I can never get there to the end

So a a big f**k you you liar

Is the only words I want to send.

But I’ll be nice I guess

And say bye In a pleasant way

Enjoy hell

I hear it’s hot like they say.

By Joshua R. Bruce 2011

02/19/2024