08/17/2016
This year is really special for me.
26
I feel it in my bones like a spider feels a fly in its web. A sticky vibration that pulses to my core.
Like a familiar voice loud enough to hear but to soft to make out what it's saying..
This was my year of change!! So I thought, but it's become so much more!
And it's a mystery to me! And I love that I can't figure it all out to analyze it!
Down to the friends iv made this year! I truly believe that each one of them I have met and been gravitated towards, for a reason! To learn something. To listen! To everything! Not everyone!! And to destroy my ego! That was a big goal for me! And if ya know me..u know I have\had a huge ego! But the friends iv made, experience both bad and good have grounded me & prepared me, for an evolution, a revelation! A new beginning..
Even my...hmm..foes? Ppl I just don't care for or whatever have thought me alot! I never stopped to think outside my ego and pride that, I don't have to like you and u don't have to like me but I'll still listen to what you have to say! Because it's a different viewpoint than my own! Iv found this almost a treasure! Forced to look at things in a different way. Which has humbled me! Humble enough to crave things to challenge my way of thinking and not take it personally! But as the lesson it is!
When I see myself now in my imagination, there's no extra! No...bulls**t for once! There is no mask, name to hide behind..no smoke and mirrors for once.
For once...I can't hide behind Gucci sunglasses and a fur coat and smile and say it's okay and better yet...I don't want too!
I see myself naked! With all my insecurities both physical mental and emotional for the world to see standing with my head high amongst the scorched desert floor, as I walk...I walk threw an egg shell tht once surrounded me. I walk threw it with pride as it smoulders against the hot sand and my feet.
Stronger, wiser, humbled, in a strange way thankful to the one who hurt me the most! Cause that person gave me something I would have never gave myself!! That person gave me carte blanche (complete freedom) to break the chains of material things and selfish ways of thinking! But it was done in all the worst ways.. but I never looked at any of it as.. sorrow..as hurt! Not for the reasons u may think any way!
I feel comfortable with this evolution of Levi! The real Levi! The one that iv always been, the one that I am and the one I'm becoming, I'm realizing in the most selfless ways.. that I am one righteous mother fu**er!
I'm not with out my flaws! But the beauty behind my flaws is.. I have absolutely nothing to hide them under! I'm forced to look at them and do something!
The irony of someone taking everything to hurt you, but it actually gave me clarity of material things to see the scars on my soul and accept them! And with that knowledge and that freedom! Iv never felt as free..
Id had never said those things a year ago!! My main mission was "destroying my ego" and every s**tty thing thts happened to hurt me, made me resilient! Yet, not jaded! Which was such a big fear!
And gradually iv noticed Ego...float away!
There is no need anymore! I have nothing to hide! Nothing to discus myself with or from! Nothing to hide from besides the truth, the ugly, the good and the bad and I have to deal with it! My chains were broken..
When my heart and head were the true target..
These tests and lessons were killing my soul.. yet I couldn't let go. My love turned into a vine, trying and trying to do nothing but live in harmony and grow with this beautiful tree..but I loved too much too fast and I couldn't let go! So like the ivy I'd weave around the tree, hugging and holding it, protecting it to show I cared and that I wouldn't give up!
Funny thing, Love is..just like the ivy.. it became so thick I could no longer see this beautiful tree I'd once bonded and grew with! I had suffocated it with my grasp and forced it to grow in a much more different way!
It grew sad, bitter, and covered with thorns! But..it was all out of not knowing how to work symbiotically with the ivy to grow together and nurture one another! I could feel the ivy changing, growing away from the now thorny tree! All the while the ivy, pretty and strong.. didn't know what to do to heal the tree, so it protected it's self from it.
When the poison would pulse threw the ivy like a bullet of pure light everything was bandaged!
For the tree and the ivy alike, the thorns and poison and sadness was all still there and alive to the point you could smell it in the air...like vinegar. But all of that was put on the back burner and the tree and ivy could appreciate each other once more and remember what it was really all about! But..even looking at how protected and guarded these two beings had become.. brought only sorrowful genuine smile of love! Or ...was it their way of saying..im sorry! I'm sorry because i did this to you! I am your Frankenstein! I created this.. once beautiful living being into.. a vicious, confused, vindictive and destructive thing that I know am attached to! I made you, I failed you!
For one time we complemented one another in the most beautiful way that only we understood! The way we grew, why you had branches and I had vines, we understood..each others pain on the most intimate of levels of trust and security! Something never seen before! We grew from the same earth but different soil and it wasnt a factor in our growth! My protection of you bound you! And my love caged you! I couldn't let go cause..I could fix it! Trust me! But..the poison was too deep, until there was nothing but pain inside the tree.. this once beautiful magnificent living piece of the world had become scary, unpredictable and towered over any sunlight to caste it's darkness around its self..
But the ivy knew the tree! Loved it, but couldn't let it go and the tree...couldn't part from the ivy..
Watching each other slowly become poisonous and covered with thorns, almost as if the more they tried to make it work, the deadlier they became for one another..
Like nature it's self had decided this cannot be! You have both changed! Into venom and spikes!
But the love. The water that made them both grow..was still there! We're they addicted to each other's love? Of complete understanding, patience and support! This was their love, of a time that had past!
The flowers wilted, the leaves turned brown and hit the dry sand like dirt.. with only this poison..to allow them to show love. This was all thT was left...
One day the skies turned grey, and a storm set loose! Breaking the branches of the tree, ripping the vines from the ivy! But still they held on! Threw the wind amd rain...but they both knew...
"This...will be our last storm.."
This was our key to weakness, our escape from each other...
So the clouds circled above like an almost predictable omen, a gift even!
The storm got stronger and louder and more violent then either the tree or ivy could've imagined!
But this was the way it had to be done, as a single crack of lightning came crashing down from above slicing the vines from the tree and the tree from the vines! Like the pure light of poison that brought us together in euphoric bliss, this pure light of chaos cut them a way from one another in the most tragic way!
With the smell of burning and dry dust floating within the air that once nurtured us... we knew what we had done.. we asked for that storm, we begged for it! It was the only way we could stay away from eavh other..
To avoid hurting each other and stealing the life from one another.. we couldn't give up on each other!
We would always find a way to grow towards each other! Unless...there was no way to grow!
This was the scorched earth..
where no one could see that the tree was dying and hurting..
