ComplexTrauma.Poet

ComplexTrauma.Poet Healing through poetry

01/16/2025

Poem - Words

you told me when I said too much
You now wonder why I avoid your touch

for if my words were not right
why then did they always heal my plight

denied of my ability to express anger and fear
the reasons to me were never clear

I played the part of your mind game
the one you assigned me where i was to blame

mistakes i made plenty
often you made me feel petty

my body burned hot like a fire
reduced to being only a desire

for your needs and wants
have been added to the list of my haunts

when you are near
my body senses the fear

when you’re away
i feel safe to play

01/09/2025

Poem - Control

The constant need for control
only hurt my soul

although raised in the wild
i am no longer a child

my hurts are real
they have lots to reveal

those on the defensive
make me feel apprehensive

lacking empathy and care
left me not wanting to share

forced to turn inward to find peace
i learned how to release

those who cause me harm and pain
now no longer remain

my heart can heal independent of those
who used their words to punish me with blows

i don’t deserve the hurt caused from longing
for a place to feel belonging

shame no longer courses through my veins
a quiet knowing brings me new gains

no longer left behind
i harness the freedom to speak my mind

my words will be crafted with care
your hurt i wish to spare

i wish you had done the same
during the times i was in pain

01/07/2025

Poem - Eggshells

I walk ever so softly

trying to prevent a dreaded crack beneath my feet

a single crunch and my heart ceases to beat

i brace myself; look around to see if my misstep was heard
i dare not speak or say a word

criticism is what i will be met with
how could i be so careless yet again

leaving me to believe my presence is a mere burden once more
my life is lived in horror

01/06/2025

Poem - Consideration

Consideration is your request

A belief that you’re thought of less

i’ve heard this and kept it in my mind
seeing now how i’ve been blind

i’m the one who should’ve made this request as i am the one thought of less

the day starts with a bark and a jolt
my body as quick as a lightening bolt

the one who rises before the rest
in hopes to avoid feeling stressed

the steps i take on eggshells
signals my warning bells

but the pattern is deep
it’s too late to retreat

so i perform once again
and hold the feelings of resentment within

12/18/2024

Poem - Shame

Your words cause me to feel shame

In them you tell me I am the one to blame

Cats, dogs, houses and cars you sure know how to open my scars

I then suppress my needs and wants

For you never listen to my pleas or haunts

12/10/2024

Poem - Depended

My words may sound like those of a child

I grew up in the wild

no parental structures

weakened with punctures

I deserved to be defended
You proved not to be depended

Left me to fend on my own
Now I seek solace alone

12/07/2024

Poem - Wise

i looked in your eyes
i believed you to be wise

i was searching for someone to trust
healing my past hurts was a must

for years i felt placated
my needs and wants vacated

black and white thinking
led to my wine drinking

I was drowning
looking for grounding

I couldn’t express
i was feeling repressed

our life felt daunting
my trauma was haunting

I cried for help
sounded like a mere yelp

You didn’t dig deeper
This reminded me of my past keeper

Ensuring I’d comply
My life was feeling like a lie

I no longer had an instinct
my body became extinct

I was losing weight and my mind
I often felt left behind

I hadn’t learned proper lessons as a youth
you convinced me you knew the truth

Your concern felt nearsighted
I was being misguided

The holes in my heart grew deeper
My learning curve grew steeper

I lost my career to you
You said that wasn’t true

My independence was gone
My need for nourishment still longed

I began to run from the pain
It was all hard to explain

You’d never listen but would remain
I learned it best not to complain

My heart was once again shattered
Life didn’t feel like it mattered

My nervous system broke down once more
Years later I still long for the cure

12/04/2024

Poem - Authenticity

Authenticity comes with a price
Old versions of you melt like ice

leave people behind on your journey
It’s fine they were not worthy

Spend hours of time alone
Their ways you no longer condone

They often showed their defenses
Conversations for you became too intensive

You choose to retreat rather than fight
A pain still lingers within every night

Reminding them of errors you won’t resist
Maybe you should no longer exist

They blame you for the affair
You cried for help, struggled for air

They made many promises of change
something was off and always felt strange

You’d heard that before
Now let them hear you walk out the door

Now you have tools
You make the rules

Trust in yourself
Put them on the shelf

They didn’t hear you
They didn’t see you
Now they don’t get to

12/03/2024

Poem - Wisdom

I am tired of thirsting for air
Therefore I choose no longer care

You often made me feel like a burden
That only left me hurting

I no longer hear the problems you have with me
You will not be given my energy

I know I’m kind and good
There is an empty space where you once stood

For years my mind ruled me
Now I know my body won’t fool me

My inner wisdom is strong
It tells me of the things that I long

To run in the wild free
I am choosing to finally be me

12/01/2024

Poem - Violence

Those with trauma are often silenced
This in itself feels like violence

For we are not to blame
We didn’t create the pain

For some this may be hard to be with
Our hurts are not fake nor a myth

If you side with an abuser
You are the loser

You’ve lost our trust
Our relationship is blown apart like dust

You convince us you’ll change
We know the pattern will remain

When we needed to feel safe and defended
You made us feel apprehended

We list our needs and wants hopefully
You once again prove they won’t be reality

We can continue to live in the same house
I will remain quiet like a mouse

You will not once again gain entry
For with you I often felt empty

You demand consideration and accolades
Let others now form your parade

My days as your cheer leader are over
You can sit and seethe and smolder

I know that feeling quite well
It’s a special kind of hell

You need to find your answers elsewhere now
It’s not my place to show you how

11/26/2024

Poem - Friends

I listen to your stories of friendship
leaving me with a sense of regret

what you speak of sparks thoughts of beauty

for i have never experienced these things
hard core memories ring

as a child i didn’t fit in
a deep longing to begin

a journey of self discovery
with an equally long recovery

i now know friendship is not what i seek
for friends would only make me feel weak

my thoughts are too robust and real
i’m seen with disgust and too hard to heal

i turn to my pets
they allow my mind to rest

for they do not judge
they move me along with a gentle nudge

my confidence they built
each experience a piece of my quilt

the fabric of my self
no longer sits on the shelf

it’s now on display
no longer hidden away

11/26/2024

Poem - Pleaser

The need to please and appease
is a form of disease

in the habits to control
you maneuver the role

for you to feel safe
others are denied space

to express fully
we deal with your bully

somewhere inside you there is a wound
it needs to be healed and not pruned

we notice your motives
and your needs to give

but in doing this
we cease to exist

you’ve created what you want
leaving us feeling gaunt

temporarily you extinguished our pain
yet it does still remain

but now you are calm again
so it feels like a win

for you this is a truth
for us a memory of our youth

one filled with manipulation and lies
and the constant need to minimize

the ways that we hurt
ends our growth spurt

so we limp along
never truly belong

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Richmond, VA
23059

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