Rear Naked Jokes

06/05/2026

🚨 SHIRT DROP 🚨

Bad news: Professor Adilson has been turned into a video game boss.

Worse news: you are Player 2.

Introducing The De Souza Squeeza — Boss Level Edition, a tee dedicated to the man, the myth, the Brazilian pressure cooker himself.

This shirt is for anyone who has ever rolled with Adilson and thought:

“Cool, I’m doing jiu-jitsu.”

Followed immediately by:

“Why is my soul leaving my body?”

Featuring arcade boss energy, gorilla strength, and the most disrespectful special move in the game:

MOTHER’S MILK

The back says what the waiver should have said:

NO REFUNDS. NO AIR. NO ESCAPE.

Available now on Rear Naked Jokes.

Buy one before Adilson gets side control and makes you order it with your last breath. 🦍🥋

Buy this product for only $39.83

01/31/2026

🚨 Full Guard French Roast Is Live 🚨

NEW COFFEE DROP ☕️
PASSING GUARD NOT INCLUDED

Go ahead… laugh at the haircut.
Make the old-man jokes.
Say he’s lost a couple MPH off the fastball.

Cool. 👍
Now explain why you still can’t pass his guard.

That sneaky curve?
That ugly little slider?

☕️ Full Guard French Roast.
Drink it. Pull guard. Humble the haters.

A fresh batch is available at the link below:

https://rearnakedjokes.printify.me/product/20491533/full-guard-french-roast-brew-with-no-escape

09/21/2025

🚨👕 NEW DROP – THE CHADALORIAN 👕🚨

“This is the whey…” (protein shake not included 🥤💪)

The Chadalorian Tee has landed, and it’s more limited than your gas tank on the way to open mat.

Perfect for:

🛡️ Guard passing like a space bounty hunter

💥 Staring menacingly at white belts until they trip themselves

🍕 Eating post-training pizza like it’s part of the code

Features:
✨ Fabric softer than Baby Yoda’s ears
✨ Print bolder than Chad’s takedown attempt
✨ 100% guaranteed to increase your midichlorian count by at least 3%

Supplies are limited. Once they’re gone, you’ll have to battle Jawas on eBay.

👉 Get it before Chad buys them all:

https://rearnakedjokes.printify.me/product/23357220/the-chadalorian-jiu-jitsu-is-the-way-unisex-tee-fun-martial-arts-shirt-gift-for-jiu-jitsu-lovers-geeky-workout-apparel-humor-t-shirt-for-holidays

Buy this product for only $27.08

09/08/2025

🚨🦆 NEW PRODUCT ALERT 🦆🚨

The prophecy has been fulfilled. Somewhere between a pond, a gym, and a late-night Taco Bell run, a flock of highly trained waterfowl decided they’d had enough of being underestimated. The result? Amigos Jiu Jitsu.

This shirt isn’t just clothing—it’s a lifestyle. It’s for the grappler who knows that friendship is forever, cardio is temporary, and the sound of victory is a synchronized QUACK.

Key features include:
🥋 Scientifically proven to add +3 advantage points to your guard retention.
🦆 Stylish enough for open mat, parent-teacher conferences, or awkward Tinder dates.
💪 Woven with the spirit of a thousand ducks in a Flying V (all black belts, obviously).
🌈 Guaranteed to make Gordon Ryan at least mildly annoyed.

Wear it, and you’re not just repping a team—you’re joining a flock. Because at Amigos Jiu Jitsu, we don’t just roll… DUCKS ROLL TOGETHER.

Available now. Waddle fast before they sell out.

Buy this product for only $27.08

09/06/2025

🚨 NEW DROP ALERT 🚨

Some heroes save the world… others just pass your guard and take your back.

Across 14,000,605 timelines, the result is always the same: Dr. Corte wins. 🌌🥋

He’s got the gi.
He’s got the cape.
He’s got time rings filled with every Jiu Jitsu move you swore you knew how to defend.
And he’s not here to protect reality — he’s here to protect his advantage on the scoreboard.

💥 Introducing the Dr. Corte: Infinity Guardian shirt.
Part comic book legend.
Part interdimensional grappler.
100% ready to remind you that, yes, you really did tap in every universe.

⚡ Limited run. When they’re gone, they’re gone.
Don’t wait for the multiverse to hand you another chance — it won’t.

👉 Grab yours now before Dr. Corte berimbolos this post into another dimension.

Buy this product for only $39.83

07/26/2025

🥋 NEW RELEASE 📖

Choke Me Gently: Finding Balance Between Control and Connection

by Ron Rublette

From post-roll spooning to spontaneous North-South panic attacks, this wildly inappropriate yet strangely heartfelt book takes you on a 12-chapter journey through the most vulnerable grappling position of all: life.

Whether you're a seasoned black belt or just here for the foot smells and emotional trauma, Choke Me Gently delivers sweat-drenched insights, ego death, and maybe even... friendship.

🗣️ Praise from the mats:

🌀 “I didn’t read it, but I’ve been quoting it during warm-ups.” – Blue Belt Who Never Comes to Class

🥋 “10/10 would tap again.” – Emotionally Repressed Purple Belt

🛒 Available now in Print or Kindle on Amazon (Link Below)

📚 Grab your copy now—because some lessons can only be learned while being gently strangled by your friends.

Download the free Kindle app and start reading Kindle books instantly on your smartphone, tablet, or computer - no Kindle device required.

07/15/2025

🔥 NEW DROP ALERT 🔥
The Book of Joshua Tee has arrived – and it’s putting the “submission” in biblical submission.

📖 Hooded prophet? ✔️
💀 Sacred scroll of chokes? ✔️
✝️ Holy scripture remix on the back? ✔️
“See, I have delivered this neck into your hands. Finish it.” – Joshua 6:2-5 (sort of)

This shirt is for the saints of strangulation, the disciples of the Darce, and anyone who knows salvation can sometimes come by rear naked choke.

👕 Limited run – tap in before it taps out.
🙏 Link in bio or drop a ✝️ in the comments and we’ll DM you the path to righteousness (and the checkout page).

Buy this product for only $26.45

06/30/2025

🚨 NEW DROP ALERT 🚨
“Triangles of the World” Tee just landed 🥋🔺💔🌊📐

From the cold precision of the Isosceles, to the chaos of a Love Triangle, the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, and the deadly pressure of a Jiu Jitsu Triangle — this shirt has it all.

🔥 Vintage comic book vibes
🥇 For nerds, romantics, conspiracists & mat rats
💯 Triangle choke approved

👇Tag your training partner, your ex, or your geometry teacher 👇

Grab yours now before it disappears like Flight 19.

https://rearnakedjokes.printify.me/product/21315761/triangles-of-the-world-vintage-comic-tee

Buy this product for only $25.18

05/23/2025

Welcome to Rear Naked Jokes.

We specialize in Jiu Jitsu gag gifts that choke out seriousness and armbar the ordinary.

Whether you’re shopping for a BJJ black belt with a brown belt sense of humor or just want to tap into some mat-side mischief, we’ve got you covered.

OSS & LOL.