10/12/2026
How to speak out when someone uses a slur
October 1, 2026
The Sept. 30 online Miss Manners column, “Miss Manners: He said something offensive. I froze,” gave advice to a reader who heard someone repeatedly use the “r” word. Miss Manners’s response surprised me.
The reader wasn’t asking how to punish or humiliate anyone. She froze after hearing a man use the slur three times and wanted to know how she could respond respectfully if it happened again. Instead of advising the reader to remain neutral, Miss Manners should have advised her to speak up.
There’s a lot of room between staying silent and starting a fight. A calm response could be as simple as: “That word is a slur against people with intellectual disabilities. Please don’t use it.”
I hear regularly from people with intellectual and developmental disabilities about the pain the “r” word has caused them. Many people remember exactly who called them that word and how it made them feel decades later. Staying quiet also sends a message that using the word is acceptable. People with intellectual disabilities have spent years telling us otherwise.
The consequences of normalizing use of the “r” word reach far beyond a single conversation. Normalizing it affects who gets respected, included, supported and given a fair chance.
Politeness shouldn’t mean pretending nothing happened. A brief correction can be respectful while making clear that people with disabilities deserve respect, too. Miss Manners was right that we don’t have to pick a fight, but we don’t have to stay silent, either.
Katy Neas, Washington
The writer is CEO of the nonprofit the Arc of the United States.
