Banker Barbie Chronicles

04/21/2026

My new manager worked at a bank inside a megamart. She’s seen some things.

Manager: So, I was pretty sure we were getting robbed. Or going to be robbed.

Me: Oh?

Manager: Yeah, the store had a magazine rack next to the bank, and the guy grabs a magazine to pretend like he’s reading. He looks over the top of the magazine, then pulls it back up, looks over the top, pulls it back up.

Me: Oh!

Manager: And his friend is walking back and forth, all across the front.

Banker: I’d say: Sir, can you go stand by the door so I can see how tall you are?

Me: [Laughing.]

Manager: So, I go up to the magazine guy and I’m like: Hey, I like your BROWN sweatshirt. Those are nice shoes. What kind are those? And he talks to me over the magazine, then pulls it back up.

Me: [Laughing] It’s not funny, but my God.

Manager: Yeah, and his friend keeps pacing, and I looked at his friend: Your eyes are green, right?

Banker: Sir, I have enough of a description. Do you want to wait for the cops?

Manager: [Laughing] We didn’t get robbed. They finally figured it out. But dang! A magazine. Talking to me over a magazine.

Me: Pl***oy. I read it for the articles.

Banker: Where’s the Mall Cop, Paul Blart?

Manager: That was nothing. The guy on m**h, running naked through the store with a pair of scissors? Boy, howdy.

Me: [Laughing.]

04/21/2026

When a group of bankers is together, common themes emerge: difficult interactions, outlandish requests, the emotional labor of money. But there’s one theme that unites them all.

P**p.

Take the bank manager who says someone at her branch inside a 24-hour megamart made a large deposit into the wastebasket at a banker desk.

Take the 300-pound guy caught on camera dropping his overalls to expose his pasty cheeks, who pressed his backside into the glass front doors, who created abstract art at the entrance in the wee hours.

Take the man who apologizes for leaving the remains of the day on the chair and carpet in the safe-deposit vault. Or the woman who urinates on a lobby chair.

Take the person in cargo pants who leaves a trail to the bathroom, then decorates the ceiling, the walls, the porcelain, the tile.

Take the ATM user who doesn’t seem to notice he’s leaving receipts on his shoes, or the pavement. But he notices that it might follow him into the car. He leaves his shoe and his pants in the parking space.

Wonder why the bathrooms are closed? Wonder why the ATM or the safe-deposit room is out of service? Wonder why the branch is delayed from opening?

Sometimes bank profits pay for a company that specializes in hospital-grade biohazard cleanup. Sometimes it doesn’t.

People think bankers are required to take their crap. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we don’t. Depends.

04/19/2026

This is AI. And it’s sort of scary. I had no idea I had a standup routine. And, no, I never robbed a bank. 😮

04/12/2026

Augusta is a great city with a small-town vibe. And it happens to host a nice golf course too.

04/12/2026

Hmm. I think we’ve covered goal-setting. 😂

Career goals? Snacks and naps 😌🍿

04/06/2026

It's a lazy Saturday. The capper to a weird week. The week of Looners. The crazy. The dispossessed. The newly emancipated.

The kind of week that makes you believe the world is a Mad Max movie set. It has its rewards.

The woman who is at odds with her family over her dead mother's house takes my advice, and everyone is happy.

The man who recently was released from prison wants to learn about his money. "I trust you,” he says.

But, the rest of the world is wearing me out. Do people really create this many problems for themselves and can't fix them?

Saturday has become a day of baking and painting. Cinnamon buns, biscuit breakfast sandwiches and shiny white enamel.

Damn, my brain is tired.

03/31/2026

Get a cup of coffee, a cookie, and tuck in. Sometimes we need a Motivational Monday speaker. Nice.

03/25/2026

This made me laugh way too hard.

I’m just trying to thrift in peace and Michael Myers is modeling a spring dress? 🤷‍♂️🌼

03/24/2026

Sometimes, the conversations in my head are not suitable for work. Especially in training. Especially with strangers.

Part 4

Me: Based on everything we talked about today, my professional recommendation is our Everyday Banking. That comes with online banking for more convenience, direct deposit with Early Pay to avoid monthly fees and no minimum balance requirements, and a complimentary savings account for overdraft protection and emergency savings. Does that sound right for you?

NKOTB: Yeah. Okay, my turn. So, that sounded like you were just ticking off boxes.

Me: Great. Yeah, and the data entry is like that. You have to build a profile. Whenever you are ready.

NKOTB: No you don’t. The trainer said you can use the journal. I’m not going to fill all this out like you did.

Me: Hold up. You can’t open an account without a profile. You have to add all of the customer information. You put the profile in your pool and then you go forward.

NKOTB: Uh, the system says I can’t go forward.

Me: [Of course it did.]

You didn’t ask me for ID, my Social Security number, my address, or my birthday. Go back to the customer screen and add that.

NKOTB: You made that look easy, but it is not easy when you’re talking to a customer.

Me: [Dude. More practice. More sleep. Less energy drinks.]

No. It’s not easy. It gets easier with practice.

NKOTB: I’m asking the trainer. He said we could use the journal.

Me: Okay.

Trainer: What’s up?

NKOTB: I’m stuck. I used the journal like you said.

Trainer: And I said you use the journal to capture conversation notes. You have to build a profile for each customer. Try that. Call me back if you need help. Bye.

NKOTB: Oh. So it’s not letting me put in a title.

Me: That means you’re not ready to open an account. Check the profile.

NKOTB: But I can add the beneficiary.

Me: No, you can’t. You have to build a profile with all of the ID information for each person.

NKOTB: No. You only do that for Power of Attorney or a joint owner.

Me: No. You must have all parties in your pool. Ask your manager or the trainer.

NKOTB: Well, you made it look easy.

Me: [Check yourself, bro.]

Because you said I was checking boxes, right?