Banker Barbie Chronicles

06/16/2026

Banker: What is it with this guy? He says he’s an IT director but he doesn’t seem to understand online banking.

Me: I’m starting to think his brother gave him small amounts of money to manage to keep the family peace, and doesn’t want him in the bigger accounts.

Banker: The brother has money.

Me: Maybe that’s the point.

Banker: I opened those accounts with his brother and he seemed fine with everything. I explained everything.

Me: I’m sure you did. Tech Bro says his list of demands were not met. Tech Bro also says he was too busy to come in to open the account with his brother. I don’t know what’s true.

Banker: So what do I do?

Me: Nothing. If they close the accounts, they close. Let natural selection take its course.

Banker: [Laughing.]

Me: It’s a family issue. They have to work that out.

06/15/2026

Tech Bro: I run millions of dollars through this bank. I told my brother exactly what I wanted for these accounts and he assured me you said you did it. It’s really inconvenient to come in to transfer money in person.

Banker: These are new accounts. Two of the three accounts have never had a deposit. The third account has $102.38. Which account to do want to deposit to today?

Tech Bro: I see it on line. But I don’t know which account is which. I usually have a spreadsheet like Quickbooks.

Banker: Okay, I can print you a list.

Tech Bro: Why can’t I Zelle? Or transfer. He assured me I could do that. I shouldn’t have to come in.

Banker: When you have a balance you can transfer.

Tech Bro: So, why don’t you have the technology?

Banker: We do. But you have to make a deposit.

06/14/2026

Tech Bro: [Complaining it’s inconvenient to come in and it’s 2026] Tell me why you rejected my checks. I’m overdrawn now and I have to pay my mortgage. I have three business accounts and you people always have problems. Figure it out or I’m pulling my business.

Me: That’s frustrating, sure, let me look.

Tech Bro: I deposited these at the branch. Why didn’t someone tell me they were bad? Can’t you people do your jobs?

Me: The checks were deposited at the ATM, and were rejected because they were not endorsed and don’t have a payee.

Tech Bro: So you’re saying I’m s**t out of luck? F**k you.

Me: Not at all. You’ll get a letter and a legal copy of the checks that we can redeposit. When you get them, bring them in the branch and we can help you.

Tech Bro: So you can’t do your job.

Me: I didn’t stand with you at the ATM, that’s right. Did you notice the checks didn’t have a payee or weren’t endorsed?

Tech Bro: So you’re saying this is my fault? F**k you, condescending b**ch.

Me: I’m here to advocate for you and educate you.

Tech Bro: [Later in the day.] I have the checks. Can you do your job now?

Me: Sure. Sign here and write your name here.

Tech Bro: I can’t believe I have to write my name.

06/05/2026

The manager is from the U.K. and in the middle of telling a story he paused. He was stuck on a word.

It surprised me. Brits never seem to be at a loss for words.

Manager: I was pushing the . . .

Me: Pram? Americans say stroller.

Manager: Ah. Pram. Okay. How do you know pram if Americans say stroller?

Me: Perambulate. To walk. Pram. Stroll. Stroller.

Manager:

Me: Believe it or not, English is my first language.

Manager: [Laughing.]

05/03/2026

The customer had questions on a Saturday. He wanted to know how to stop a creditor from withdrawing $28,000 from his account for a second time.

Thing is, when you sign up for automatic payments, your bank has to honor the contract you made with the vendor. Until you formally revoke the authorization that means the gym, the sketchy face-cream ad, the subscription service, and / or the electric company can pull from your account.

Your bank can put on a stop payment, but you pay for that and you’re still on the hook for canceling. Remember Elizabeth Warren and the CFPB? That’s the law.

So, I didn’t get halfway through that explanation and the customer talks over me to say he’s a lawyer.

Me: And I’ll continue.

Customer: No. You’re done.

Me: Okay.

Windows key + L = Lock

I stood up. I walked away.

04/21/2026

My new manager worked at a bank inside a megamart. She’s seen some things.

Manager: So, I was pretty sure we were getting robbed. Or going to be robbed.

Me: Oh?

Manager: Yeah, the store had a magazine rack next to the bank, and the guy grabs a magazine to pretend like he’s reading. He looks over the top of the magazine, then pulls it back up, looks over the top, pulls it back up.

Me: Oh!

Manager: And his friend is walking back and forth, all across the front.

Banker: I’d say: Sir, can you go stand by the door so I can see how tall you are?

Me: [Laughing.]

Manager: So, I go up to the magazine guy and I’m like: Hey, I like your BROWN sweatshirt. Those are nice shoes. What kind are those? And he talks to me over the magazine, then pulls it back up.

Me: [Laughing] It’s not funny, but my God.

Manager: Yeah, and his friend keeps pacing, and I looked at his friend: Your eyes are green, right?

Banker: Sir, I have enough of a description. Do you want to wait for the cops?

Manager: [Laughing] We didn’t get robbed. They finally figured it out. But dang! A magazine. Talking to me over a magazine.

Me: Pl***oy. I read it for the articles.

Banker: Where’s the Mall Cop, Paul Blart?

Manager: That was nothing. The guy on m**h, running naked through the store with a pair of scissors? Boy, howdy.

Me: [Laughing.]

04/21/2026

When a group of bankers is together, common themes emerge: difficult interactions, outlandish requests, the emotional labor of money. But there’s one theme that unites them all.

P**p.

Take the bank manager who says someone at her branch inside a 24-hour megamart made a large deposit into the wastebasket at a banker desk.

Take the 300-pound guy caught on camera dropping his overalls to expose his pasty cheeks, who pressed his backside into the glass front doors, who created abstract art at the entrance in the wee hours.

Take the man who apologizes for leaving the remains of the day on the chair and carpet in the safe-deposit vault. Or the woman who urinates on a lobby chair.

Take the person in cargo pants who leaves a trail to the bathroom, then decorates the ceiling, the walls, the porcelain, the tile.

Take the ATM user who doesn’t seem to notice he’s leaving receipts on his shoes, or the pavement. But he notices that it might follow him into the car. He leaves his shoe and his pants in the parking space.

Wonder why the bathrooms are closed? Wonder why the ATM or the safe-deposit room is out of service? Wonder why the branch is delayed from opening?

Sometimes bank profits pay for a company that specializes in hospital-grade biohazard cleanup. Sometimes it doesn’t.

People think bankers are required to take their crap. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we don’t. Depends.

04/19/2026

This is AI. And it’s sort of scary. I had no idea I had a standup routine. And, no, I never robbed a bank. 😮

04/12/2026

Augusta is a great city with a small-town vibe. And it happens to host a nice golf course too.

04/12/2026

Hmm. I think we’ve covered goal-setting. 😂

Career goals? Snacks and naps 😌🍿