hemanstarfox

07/16/2025

Why is this game so brutal!?

07/04/2025

Today marks 11 years since I nearly lost myself to su***de. I think it will always feel strange to acknowledge this date. However, it feels equally strange to live within the illusion that this day is at all like any other day. I have come to the place of understanding that it is best practice to acknowledge pain. To pretend that this day is one without pain would be as if I pretended that the explosions in the sky accompanying this day did not exist. It would be as helpful as ignoring the heat of the sun. No, it is the path toward a better future to accept reality, both pain and hope.

As time goes on, I realize with increasing confidence that there is very little that we choose about ourselves. We don’t choose our wounds, and we don’t decide how our minds react to their beginnings. We also don’t choose how our minds have been shaped by our wounds. In these situations, it is common to hear the easy-to-give advice: “Just don’t think about it anymore, move on, and things will get better.”

I tried that with the most fidelity I could offer. It made it all so much worse. It was doing the opposite of the conventional belief that allowed me to cope with the heat of another day. It was facing the pain, acknowledging it, understanding how I was prone to despair, and accepting that some pain does not heal. It does not have a purpose. It simply is there because heartbreak is the toll to ferry through this life. Some things do not get better, and it is naive and cruel to expect such an outcome in every circumstance. There exists pain that should not be reconciled for the sake of notions of a greater good.

There is simply pain housed within us. Some days, these wounds will require submission, and other days they will demand our rage. These wounds will never necessitate our denial or magical thinking with a silver lining. Much of the despair I found myself in 11 years ago was anchored to a lack of security in this world in a fundamental and holistic sense. Within these subsequent years, I have faced nearly all of my worst-case scenarios I felt anxious about. I didn’t know that I would persist in spite of them. Some of these scenarios are still present, and yet I persist

05/21/2025

SMACdowns are who would in a fight....I had some Hot takes....

Legolas>everyone

Episode 200 is here! The SMAC team is joined by hemanstarfox at Cataclysm Games to debate your SMACdown suggestions, as well as some questions submitted by friends of the show

https://linktr.ee/TalkingSMAC

04/17/2025

Why is the most important WrestleMania in history. I answer this question and get in my feels on the Talking SMAC podcast this week.

https://linktr.ee/TalkingSMAC

04/14/2025

Why is WrestleMania 41 the most important WrestleMania in history. I answer this question and many more on the TalkingSmac podcast

10/25/2024

Heading to to see . This weekend

07/04/2024

Today marks 10 years since I almost lost myself to su***de. Back then it was difficult to imagine being 10 years out from this. When I went to the hospital if I would have known that I would spend the next 2 years continually crying until the skin around my eyes started to bleed, I don't know if I would have had the strength to go down this path. In these last 10 years, it's more difficult to openly share thoughts and feelings. I find myself wanting to share less and less. The reason being is I began to realize after all of these years of sharing my thoughts, my feelings and experiences for better or worse, is that ultimately people are going to try to oversimplify or overcomplicate my words. They need to synthesize them into what helps them make sense of their world even if it isn't the reality of what I was communicating. However, ultimately what I've learned over the last 10 years is that there's very little that we choose about ourselves.

When people find out that I almost committed su***de 10 years ago they will often say things that amount to well that was a selfish thing to even consider. We like to assume that people have control over the things that I think. Sadly, when this was happening I was desperately trying to ignore thoughts that made it seem like the kindest and most rational thing to do is to no longer burden people. It wasn't any one thing it was a multitude of things all piling up over the years. It was the reality of having a deep understanding that I could not operate in a world within my own agency and what my life was going to look like in a decade was not something that I wanted to face. The reason that I'm still here is just simply pure luck. Possibly a little bit of stubbornness. Just a germination of a thought to hope that what was rationally plain in front of me was not true.

10 years later I can assuredly tell you that I was not wrong about how the next decade of my life would play out. The barriers that were before me are still intact. the things that keep me from living my life on my own terms a very real. However, I wasn't right about everything. To understand that you have to face the reality of who you are. You have to face the pain. You may feel that you're stuck, but you can endure. You can be here right now. I'm still here.

03/05/2024

Waiting on surgery. I won't find out if the mass is cancerous right away. You will know as soon as I do. The surgery should be easy , but just in case I don't survive. Know that I loved so many of you. Think critically, don't believe that hardships are always necessary for others, be someone that finds joy in easing burdens, embrace change, and resist fascism in whatever ways you are able.

01/26/2024

Streaming Skyrim Today @ 10 am....I love this little life ...