04/11/2023
Russian Roulette
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but love became a loaded gun
The mind often replays what the heart won’t forget
Like an ocean thoughts of you flood my memory
And I drown in my devotion and loyalty
I invited you in my heart, a museum full of old paintings of my past distorted over time
Broken statues and vases of my pain mended with gold.
I explained how like kintsugi how the cracks made me more beautiful and resilient.
I showed you around, I even showed you the pieces that have yet to be repaired.
My only request was that you didn’t break anything because some pieces irreparable.
I fell in love with you.
Hoping that somehow I could mend your brokenness.
All to often I find myself trying to fix others only to realize I saw myself in their eyes.
Loving you was the act of loving myself
The parts of me I’ve deemed unworthy of love, were the parts of you that I loved on the most… a mirror reflection
In denial of truth, my tears were the messenger.
Delivering a message of my grief, pain, remorse and love when I was unable to speak.
But My love would never be enough because I still struggle loving parts of me and you don’t even love yourself.
Giving all that I had but you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Loving you was killing me.
One bullet, spin the chamber and place it to my head
Click
every attempt was me pulling the trigger of this 6 shot revolver
Click
Giving in to carnal pleasures came with monsoons sure to consume me, losing grip with reality
Click
Lying to myself blaming you for this travesty when the writing was on the wall all along. I only have myself to blame
Click
Telling myself fairytales do exist while in limbo with lies, manipulation and demon dick. Pray tell how did I figure i could change a gangsta into Prince Charming
Click
The game was Russian roulette and eventually you win, but the prize left me lifeless
BOOM
-Yamihle Speaks