03/22/2026
I had my heart horse in the osu vet hospital for almost 2 weeks!! I knew he had a disease already because I have been dealing with it for several years and they had told me he had some kind of G.I. tract cancer or disease! But I still did not think he would pass away at only 20 years old. I had him since he was five and I was only 11! Looking at him and him looking back at me felt like looking at myself from the inside like we saw each other‘s soul! He loved me and I loved him and it was the most mutual feeling in the world! The bond we had for all those years was absolutely beautiful! Through my coming-of-age and everything I ever went through, he was the constant, he was right there to remind me who I really am and to remind me that he never stops loving me based on any material thing. He didn’t care when I got too skinny, he didn’t care when I got chubby, he didn’t care when I picked up bad habits, he never judged me or hurt my feelings. Despite surgery and medical care, basically world class care at Ohio State University, he was not getting better, but rather getting extremely weak and thin and they gently began to let me know that his body was not recovering because his small intestine was not able to function anymore. That was unimaginably painful and frustrating because his spirit was still there! I went to visit him every single day while he was in the hospital and spend time with him in his stall there, and he was still his sweet self. He was very weak and he would lay down all the time and I knew he felt very bad but I wanted to try everything under the sun to try to save him. We even had him on IV nutrition, and even then his body was becoming more dehydrated and nutrient deficient because his body was no longer able to absorb nutrients. I all but begged for them to please let me bring him home at least! But they explained it to me that bringing him home could be traumatic for both of us because once he is disconnected from the IV, he might collapse quickly or have another colic episode that could potentially be violently painful. So I did not get to bring him home. Everyone was kind to me telling me that I have tried everything possible and that he knows he is loved, but the void I still feel is so scary. In a couple of days it will have been a month. I was very hysterical and extremely unwell for the first week, and I did not know how I would make it through that time, at the time I thought I would be hysterical forever. I was having horrible thoughts, going back through every moment in that hospital and trying to think if maybe I did something wrong. Everyone around me tried to help me understand that I did the best I could and I tried everything! My grandma gave me a framed photo of him and I standing in his stall in that hospital. She gave it to me on a day that was one week from his passing, and when I looked at that photo I was flooded with so much emotion that I actually upset my grandma because I’m sure it was hard for her to see me so upset. Now I look at his photos and I feel calm because it’s as if he’s still with me just locked up in my heart so at least I still hold the piece in my heart that he made me feel when I was with him! But at the same time every single day I think about it, I just remember that he’s gone and I feel disbelief! I’m trying to go on with my activities and play with my other horses but I can’t avoid the fact that I am extremely unwell. The hysterical crying and guilt and regret has been replaced with a very creepy void. A total empty feeling! And I know he would not want me to feel that way but I just miss him so much and I can’t believe that he could not be saved. I guess I just wanted to say this to get it off my chest but also to remind everybody to hug their loved ones more while they are here and healthy. I loved him and treated him really wonderful all those years he was always my very favorite horse and I made sure he knew it! All those years I always took the best care of him and treated him like a child! My vet could vouch for me because I was constantly calling her super worried about him trying to help him with every little thing. I even got to go to the beach and ride him on the beach in 2024 which was one of my bucket list dreams with him. So I know I got to spend many beautiful years with him but, we humans are not built to deal with death. It makes me so reluctant to allow myself to bond with my other horses. I look at them a little bit scared, like oh no you were going to pass away one day too! I know we all are but I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m just haunted by the permanence of it and I’m having a rough day. I’m supposed to be at a barrel race
