10/12/2025
ATB SUPER SERIES
MATCHDAY MAYHEM REPORT
Reikland Reavers 1 – 4 Drakenhof Red Drakes
By Grimsby “Ink-Stained” Groat, Pitch-Side Columnist and Amateur Garlic Enthusiast
The fog rolled in early over Reikland Stadium, but not the sort that hints at rain—this was the sort that hints at fangs, hypnotic stares, and the faint metallic tang of hemoglobin. Yes indeed, the Drakenhof Red Drakes were in town, and by the time the final whistle blew, the Reavers looked like they’d been through a blender set to "blood smoothie."
A FIRST HALF FULL OF PAIN, PANIC, AND… PETE??
The match started with the Reavers receiving the kick, and things looked promising—right up until Fat Mittbrot, the Reavers’ premier immovable wall, got very movably smashed. Only two blocks in and WHAM— Vlad Von Carstein hit him so hard the pitch crew is still trying to find Mittbrot’s left sock. The big lad was carted off on a stretcher muttering something about “seeing his ancestors.” Badly Hurt: confirmed. Dignity: missing in action.
But the humans rallied beautifully. In the 12th minute, Number 4 Helmut Rokstein pulled off a hand-off so silky smooth it should’ve been poured over pancakes. Young “Fast” Ben Jansen, the Reavers’ up-and-coming speed demon, took the ball, cut through the line, and bolted into the endzone. The crowd roared, and for a moment, the stadium smelled not of fear, but of hope… and possibly Mittbrot’s liniment.
The Drakes, however, are not a team that allows joy for long. Enter Tasty Pete, a thrall whose nickname comes from what you think it does. In a miracle baffling to Reavers fans and Drakes fans alike, Pete managed to scoop up the ball, dodge like he actually wanted to live, and slip past two confused humans to equalize. The stadium fell silent. Pete fainted immediately after the touchdown. The apothecaries declared it “a classic case of temporary will to live.”
Barely a minute before halftime, Isabella Von Carstein, the Drakes’ star, danced through the Reavers’ backline with footwork that can only be described as “predatory ballet.” She twisted, turned, and glided into the endzone for 2–1, leaving the Reavers’ defenders grasping at shadows and contemplating their career choices.
SECOND HALF – BAD LUCK, BAD BLOOD, BAD EVERYTHING
If the Reavers’ first half was a rollercoaster, the second half was a wagon wheel falling off a cliff.
The Drakes dominated possession as the Reavers suffered a cascade of fumbles, failed dodges, and one very poorly timed attempt at heroism that ended with a lineman face-down in the turf after being hypnotized into tackling the referee. (The ref was fine. The lineman? Mostly fine. His reputation? Not fine.)
With the humans tripping over their own limbs, the Drakes struck twice more: first with a blistering run by Vlad, who scored while taunting the crowd in three different languages, and then a late fourth touchdown after Manfred mesmerized half the defensive line into applauding politely instead of blocking.
Final score: 4–1, and if we're being honest, it could’ve been worse.
POST-MATCH INTERVIEWS
“Fast” Ben Jansen – Reikland Reavers�Still clutching the ball from his touchdown like a comfort plushie.�BEN: “Look, we had momentum—real momentum. Then they started flying, dodging, biting… I swear one of them phased through me. Is that legal?”�ME: “Technically?”�BEN: “That’s what worries me.”
Isabella Von Carstein – Drakenhof Red Drakes�Not reflecting in my quill’s polished tip. Unsettling.�ISABELLA: “Oh, it was a delightful match. The humans were spirited. Especially the fast one. I look forward to seeing him again.”�ME: “You said that like a threat.”�ISABELLA: “Did I?” smiles too many teeth
Tasty Pete – Thrall, accidental touchdown scorer�Wrapped in bandages. Two black eyes. One missing shoe.�PETE: “I don’t remember the touchdown. Or the first half. Or my own name right now. Did we win?”�ME: “You scored a touchdown.”�PETE: “I WHAT?”
ATMOSPHERE & CROWD REACTION
Human supporters left the stadium muttering variations of “We’ll get ’em next time” and “Does anyone have Mittbrot’s other sock?” Meanwhile, the Drakes’ fans floated—literally floated—out of the stands in high spirits.
Stadium vendors reported selling out of garlic knots by halftime and, oddly, sunhats by full time.
FINAL WHISTLE THOUGHTS
The Reikland Reavers showed heart, spirit, and briefly, competence. But the Drakenhof Red Drakes showed something far more important: supernatural agility, cold-blooded efficiency, and an alarming disregard for the well-being of their own thralls.
Keep your eyes on “Fast” Ben Jansen—he’s destined for stardom unless Isabella gets him first.
And as always in the ATB Super Series:
Blood will be spilled, bones will be broken, and sometimes—just sometimes—a thrall scores a touchdown.
Atelier Tabletop Brewspace
