Venom Stories And Jokes (2026)

23/02/2023

1) Me: Baby, I love y0u

She: Same here..

Me: Wow! Really???

She: Yeah, you're the hair in my s0up, the c0rner of the table which my little t0e hits. I love y0u like taxes. In fact, I love you so much like traffic jam which makes me very happy and calm when I'm almost late to work

2) When I was small, I used to think that nob0dy c0uld b£at my fath£r

3) For two nights now, my neighbour has been sl££ping in an unc0mpleted building because a fam0us l0an c0mpany he's owing thr£atened to come and arr£st him.

When I asked what if he's b£aten by a sn@ke, he replied, "My dear, it's better I get b£at£n by a sn@ke than for those pe0ple to catch me. High bl00d pressure dey learn work where L@po pressure dey. Even if you're in a lab0ur room, you'll have to pay them bef0re púshing. Just two h0urs of d£faulting, y0ur wh0le village pe0ple will kn0w that y0u look l0an from them

4) Boss: (after explaining something in details) Got it?

Me: Got it..

My brain: Got what?

The same me will still go and be asking my colleagues if they understood what our boss just explained

5) Man: This is my third div0rcé and I'm not happy

Friend: So sorry about that. But if márriáge doesn't fav0ur y0u, why not try evangelism?

If y0u can't win h£arts, then, at least win s0uls

6) Who else noticed that biscuit companies don't make n0ise ab0ut the b@d ec0nomy?

They'll just rem0ve one or two from the sachet and keep m0ving

7) You will realize that datiñg a núrsé isn't r0mantiç at all when she looks into y0ur eyes, and instead of seeing l0ve, she sees malaria

8) While growing up, I heard that when pe0ple d!£, they rel0cate to an0ther t0wn far away from where they're kn0wn, and c0ntinue to live..

Pls, is this true? Is yes, can some0ne also rel0cate to America or Europe after d£áth?

Just asking for a friend

9) Don't forget that some0ne that's br0ke today can also be p00r tomorrow

10) While growing up, whenever mom gets me añgry in the night, I will pack my bag and tell

22/02/2023

Laws taking full force in Nigeria nowadays 😂😂😂.

1) The bigger the cash, the bigger the amount of charges, the smaller the cash the bigger the problem we are gonna face at the pos terminal.😂😂

2) Garium's law states that in a volume of a fixed mass of water, the Garri is inversely proportional to the sugar provided the groundnut remains constant.😂😂

3) Nigeria's law of diminishing returns states that the bigger the ass the bigger the force of attraction, the smaller the ass the smaller the force of attraction.

4) Law of Sapalistic states that in every corner of Nigeria there shouldn't be anyone unaffected by Sapa, the prettier the girl the larger the force attraction of Sapa.

Laugh out your sorrow😂😂😂😂

22/02/2023

✍️🤣🤣THE TAXI DRIVER~~• 🧔Dennis

👩A woman and her 4 years old son were in a taxi🚕, it was raining slightly and all
pr0stitutes👯‍♂️👯‍♀️ were standing by the roadside.

👨The Boy asked🗣️"Mummy, what are all those women doing?"🙄

👩His Mother replied🗣️ "They are waiting for their husband to come back from work"😐

Then Dennis🧔the taxi driver turned around and said 🗣️"Why don't you tell him the truth?😒🗣️"Hey!! Little boy, they are
Pr0stitute, they sle*p🍆🍑with men for money.💰

The 👨Boy's eyes👀 got wide and asked;
🗣️"Mummy is that true?" 🙄

His mother, glaring😒 hard at the driver
replied🗣️"Yes✋"

⌚After a few minutes, the boy asked🗣️"mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?"😁

👩She replied:🗣️ "Most of them become taxi drivers🙆‍♂️🙆‍♀️

🧔Dennis nearly fa!nted!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

22/02/2023

I visited a pharmacy yesterday and told the pharmacist to give me a condom that am going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I might get Lucky.!,

He gave me one and I paid for it, as I was about to leave, I turned and asked him for another one that my girlfriend's sister is very beautiful and curvy too, I told him she always crosses her legs in provocative manner every time she sees me, I think I may strike luck there too,

He gave me another one and I paid for it, as I was about leaving the pharmacy again, I turned back and said :

"Give me one more condom, my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute. When she sees me, she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move."

During Dinner, I sat with my girlfriend on the left, her sister on the right, and their mum facing me,

When my girlfriend's dad walked in, I lowered my head and started the dinner prayer, "Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you have given us...... 10 minutes after, am still praying........Lord I thank you for your kindness.....,

Another 10 minutes passed and am still praying, keeping my head down, very close to the table,
They all looked at each other surprised, my girlfriend was even more surprised than others, she gets close to me and whispers :

"I didn't know you're so religious"

I replied :
I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!.🙆

22/02/2023

✍🤣GOT MARRIED AS A VIRGIN🤣✍️

I have never had s*x before or seen a woman's nakedness🍑 until I got married.
My mum brought a lady for me and we got married cause, I was not the 👩lady's type after the stressful day at the wedding reception, I had to manage help my wife to her place to pack her things over to my place🛍️

After the packing and stress of the day, we both went to my house. On reaching my place I had to shower, I left my wife in the bedroom and went straight to the bathroom🛁🚿, after having a cool shower, to my greatest surprise I came back into the bedroom and met my wife on the bed with no clothes on👙, she said to me 🗣️" honey its time ? 🙄
🧔I replied, 🗣️"time for what, I don't understand ?🤷‍♂️
Then she stretched her legs wide open and started doing like a snake, then she said to me again🗣️ " do u now understand? "😉

I started laughing 😹 and told her, 🗣️I now understand you, you should have told me u wanted the bed all to yourself, don't worry I'll sleep on the floor😌✌️
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

15/02/2023

How to get over broken heart.
Thread🦋🦋

13/02/2023

1) Today, let me speak Fréñçh small: La Valentine La galfriend La pr£gnánt La b0yfriend La ruñaway La galfriend La çry ooo

I say make I update you small

2) Welcome to Nig£ria where y0u can have accéss to y0ur own m0ney in the bañk if and only if y0u're ready to buy y0ur m0ney with y0ur m0ney

I'm watchiñg from Venus, it seems Nig£ria is the first c0untry in this w0rld to exp£rience '£ndtim£'

3) I rather trúst a çar with no brákés than "he's just a fri£nd"

My ey£s don see shege banza for bestié hañds

4) I really miss Mathematics class, then. Sitting quietly and focusing with0ut uñd£rstanding anythiñg

5) "Look good for y0ur hubby! Look good for y0ur hubby".

That's h0w bike carried Amaka past her hubby's place because the eyeláshés she fixed didn't all0w her to s££ well

6) Welcome to 9ja where y0u will be searching for j0b until searchiñg f0r j0b bec0mes y0ur j0b

7) Me: I have hidd£n talent

Someone: Like what and what?

Me: I don't kn0w; they're all hidd£n

8) For a family meeting that lasted for 7hours, they used 6hrs 30mins to advice me

9) I will name my daughter 'Pr£gñant, so that whenever a guy asks for her name, she'll be like, "Oh, I'm pr£gnañt"

10) Yesterday, I told my gal I was tir£d of our relati0nship and needed to rest small

Just this morning, she visited with an energy driñk

Pls, follow the page.

12/02/2023

🙄🙄

11/02/2023

Chemistry students
A NEW ELEMENT HAS BEEN ADDED IN THE PERIODIC TABLE

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

- Very Reactive
- Highly Unstable
- Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
- Money Reducing Agent

OCCURRENCE

Mostly found in front of the Mirror.

It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.

It has mixed properties when seated with parents.

_Very harmful to you if it sees you with any element similar to itself.

11/02/2023

Indomie is good👍
Spaghetti is good👍
Jollof is cool👍
Rice is the best👍
Yam is better👍

But at the mention of Garri, all spoons must bow.🤣🤣🤣🤣

11/02/2023

😳NIGERIA 🇳🇬 vs GHANA 🇬🇭 😳

Nigeria and Ghana decided to have a drinking competition😳.
A week before the competition, the Nigerian team sent David mandela to Ghana to confirm if the competition will be held🤗.

On arrival, the people of Ghana brought 20 litres of their strongest brewed beer🍺.🙆🙆
David mandela asked if he could taste😏 and he was permitted to🤗.
Instead of just tasting, he finished the 20 litres at once and said🙄 ''This is okay😁... Where is the main drink?''

Ghana people were all shocked😲😲 because nobody had ever taken more than 2 litres of this beer and stood breathing!🙆 Then they asked him, ''Are you among the competitors 😳?"

David mandela said, "Me😎? Nooooo!🤗 I didn't qualify!!"🙅

Ghanaians withdrew immediately.🏃🏃🏃😂😂😂😂

11/02/2023

Late afternoon vibe......

I went to buy soap from an Aboki at Ama Awusa Avu
junction, when i got there the Aboki was arguing with
another Aboki, suddenly he turned to me and said,
"Oga! abeg shebi na Toothpaste Marry Animal Calling?
I have never been so confused in my life. i kept asking
him to repeat what he meant but he kept saying the same thing, i was frustrated. i
had to leave them to their argument as i couldn't be of
help. But it kept bothering my mind, what could this
guy mean??
After days of cracking my brain to decipher the
meaning of his statement, Na this morning i realize watin the guy dey ask me. What he was
saying was "Oga! abeg shebi na 2face Marry Annie Macaulay?

Follow up my profile.
I ❤️ you all.

By Venom

Venom Stories And Jokes

23/02/2023

22/02/2023

22/02/2023

22/02/2023

22/02/2023

15/02/2023

13/02/2023

12/02/2023

11/02/2023

11/02/2023

11/02/2023

11/02/2023

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share