Ron Cooper Clarke

19/06/2026

Bob Dylan's first audition. (I'll get me coat.)

04/06/2026

And today's winner of the Internet.

18/05/2026

I shall be performing a spoken word set about poetry here on June 5th under my occasional alter ego Tim Briffa. Do come.

22/02/2026

29/10/2025

This Friday!!! (Not sure who this Tim Briffa bloke is.)

08/08/2025

Funniest thing she's ever said.

Stand-up comedian Kate Smurthwaite has blamed Oasis for having to cancel two of her shows after no one turned up to her Edinburgh Fringe gigs.

10/07/2025

Wonder if he'll be going down on one knee.

Sir Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills looked completely smitten with her partner Mick Dickman at The Flying Dutchman premiere in Vienna on Wednesday.

17/06/2025

Looks like they really did mean 'everything for a pound.'

Poundland has already closed more than a dozen stores over the past few months and there are several more branches that are scheduled to close this summer

25/05/2025

LOOK-A-LIKE NIGHT AT THE FOX AND HOUNDS (An original poem by RCC.)

Everybody's welcome
And you could win twenty pounds
Free to enter, right by the Arndale Centre
It's 'Look-A-Like Night' at the Fox and Hounds.

There's Meghan Markle without the sparkle
A Mick Jagger without the swagger
And an even thicker-eyebrowed
More Neanderthal Liam Gallagher.

There's a s**t Brad Pitt
A more sinister Edward Heath
And a taller Freddie Mercury
With even bigger teeth.

There's some pock-marked older feller
I didn't catch his name
But I think was Sir Alan Sugar
Or possibly Sid James.

There's two delusional lasses
As Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Onassis
And a drag queen Greta Garbo
Who looked more like Gary Barlow.

There's a man who'd come up from Pinner
Who said he was Michael Winner
And though younger and slightly thinner
Could still put you off your dinner.

There's the fat bloke out of The Office
Who even brought his own scotch egg
A bandy-legged Chuck Norris
And a knock-knee-ed Georgie Best.

There's some total looney
Who said he was George Clooney
But looked more like Worzel Gummidge
As played by Jon Pertwee.

There's a cross-eyed Johnny Rotten
A Turkish Johnny Mathis
And a train-wreck Johnny Depp
With sebhorrheic dermatitis.

There's an Elton John gone wrong
A truly shocking Amy Winehouse
And a more porridgey Peter Docherty
Who looked like he fell out of a treehouse.

There's a Temu Tammy Wynette
A Hull hostel Paris Hilton
And an older, fat brunette
Flat-chested Dolly Parton.

There's a very poor man's Posh Spice
Who looked like she lived on rations
A cut-price Katie Price
And a fourth rate, council estate, car crash Kim Kardashian.

There's some dodgy geezer
As the singer out of Weezer
But I'm sure I recognised
As someone who once came to mend my freezer

But despite failing to fix it
And looking nothing like the guy
The loser somehow managed
To win the runner-up prize

But him winning the meat platter
Is not what really matters
'The real question' I hear you asking
'Is who won the twenty smackers?'

So I'll tell you who it was
Seeing as you ask
It was only some c**t
Come as me, John Cooper Clarke!

If that weren't bad enough
This upstart Cooper Clarke
Then did a poem in my style
Or what he called a 'hommage'

Which took a lot of nerve
And actual audacity
Given his lack of verbal skills
And mental incapacity.

Not to mention the fact
The useless wannabe
Looked more like a fatter, crapper, less dapper Robert Plant
If you fu***ng ask me.