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ON LOVE & FREEDOM • by Jason W DiggesTrue romance is ultimately about freedom -  because freedom and love live in a pola...

ON LOVE & FREEDOM • by Jason W Digges

True romance is ultimately about freedom - because freedom and love live in a polarity, and the two sides of a polarity create each other. Therefore love is freedom and freedom is love

Giving freedom first is the ultimate expression of love in the context of romance

Giving freedom first to any human is an expression of love because it is the opposite of control and manipulation and slavery

As society we are collectively moving through a change that is utterly radical. Isn’t it crazy to think that one man owning another man (or woman) was completely legal only 160 years ago?

A person cannot own another person
That is illegal

A soul cannot own another soul
That is against the natural innate freedom that our souls long for

We are collectively dealing with the karma of thousands of years of legal slavery. We can all be working on our part of that karma by noticing our desire to control and manipulate others through communication (we all do it sometimes) and simply not following that

It is a radical act to offer pure freedom to those around us. Friends, family, colleagues. It is true love to offer freedom to others

One of my mentors and teachers, Susan Campbell (the godmother of authentic relating) taught us a very practical tool that helps us do this

Simply ask yourself, in any moment:
Are you communicating to control or are you communicating to relate?

Are you offering the freedom to be to those around you?
Or are you chaining them to the ideas you have for them in your mind?

As a practical application, try saying:

I offer you the right to be, how you are, exactly as you are

The right to not change, to have boundaries. I honor your right to be unchangingly, solidly you

I also offer you the right to change
To be something and someone new every day
To claim your changing feelings and emotions
To transform and grow

This is scary, to offer freedom first, because of the many nourishments and benefits I receive from our connection, your gifts to me. By offering you the freedom to define yourself, and redefine yourself anew each day, I know that our relationship might change. There might be a season you have less time for me, or need to focus on yourself

This relationship, that I value so much may dissolve. But I offer you freedom, because freedom is love

I’ve written a lot lately about supporting others on their journeys - with a special focus on men, because it just so ha...
• on boundaries •

I’ve written a lot lately about supporting others on their journeys - with a special focus on men, because it just so happens that on my path it’s mostly men that come to me with a desire that I hold them energetically on the outside so that they are free to let go on the inside

But something I learned on the way, that is really crucial to being able to access compassion for those we hold space for, is a good hold on boundaries

If you are in a connection where it’s always you that has to show up for your partner/friend, whatever your gender, resentment can creep in. Likewise, notice if the gift you are giving comes from the heart, or from a sense of obligation/fear of loss

Look also more closely at those tendencies to over give, perhaps in areas where it’s not even explicitly requested. And there are also limits to how much good your compassion brings to others - in other words, does your compassion encourage destructive behaviour? And if so, where does the boundary lie between supporting someone and enabling them?

Boundaries are a crucial key to being able to love yourself and others... more on this topic on the link below

One of the biggest blocks to pleasure is not being able to say no. It might sound counter-intuitive, but research finds that the most loving compassionate people happen to also be those with the clearest boundaries.

One of my favourite voices on relating delving into this taboo topic that hides behind all human intimacy and connection...
Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved

One of my favourite voices on relating delving into this taboo topic that hides behind all human intimacy and connection in some shape or form. How do you define infidelity in your relationships?

As someone offering intimate bodywork it’s interesting to note how those who come to me for sessions feel around bringing up the discussion with their partners - is it safe to discuss their wishes within their relationship? Do they fear their partners anger/sadness/judgement/jealousy/rejection? Is it simply ‘easier’ to hide, or is hiding behind the forbidden what attracts in the first place? Is there a level of trust possible between them to bring up their wish to learn more about themselves in a ‘safe’ setting? Perhaps even to sign up for sessions together to explore as a couple new ways to be intimate? Can the boundaries of relating expand to include touch being given professionally as opposed to a romantic connection? Or not? Where do we sit in terms of our integrity, also for me as the practitioner?

For me there are no right or wrong answers here - just a space to explore who we are and why we make the choices that we do and this is the conversation I encourage

Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. A mu...

Channel 4

Beautiful sharings from brave men willing to speak openly around their struggles

I particularly enjoyed reading the comments section on the link. It still seems to amaze many that men are capable of expressing deep feeling

But as a practitioner working in a trusted space around male sexuality, it touches me on a daily basis to see many men wishing for a safe place, without judgement or shaming, to explore their vulnerability and have the permission to feel

Plenty to look at around this topic for all of us, whatever gender we may be

Men share their stories of infertility, sexual abuse and the physical realities of how it feels to be a man.

An interesting view on the possibilities of power play to lovingly and sensitively guide an expansion of the sense of se...
That Time I Tried BDSM Therapy

An interesting view on the possibilities of power play to lovingly and sensitively guide an expansion of the sense of self

Looking more closely at themes around power, surrender and the shadow are possible through the realm of my work within the context of ‘Dark Eros’

A tenderly held voyage into your more forbidden territories and hidden pleasures in the name of self-discovery

Bringing light to what is held in darkness and liberation from the hold of fear, shame and guilt

My teacher, John Hawken, has created an excellent body of work around this topic - best encountered through this experiential week held at his centre near to Prague

Not all therapists take the gentle approach.


ON TRANSCENDENTAL SOUND • adapted from Jewel in the Lotus (Saraswati~Avinasha)

Mantras are transcendental power sounds which produce a specific reaction within the human body and mind

Mantras create a resonance between you and your inner depths. They are certain qualities of vibration from within the ether

Many famous mantras are the names of deities in the Hindu pantheon - but the gods are named after the mantra, not the other way around

It is the sound, not the meaning of the word, that has power

Chanting the words of the mantra translated into other languages has no effect - those suggesting this miss the point of the mantra

These vibrations can be used to open into higher states of consciousness

Constant repetition of the sounds tunes out other stimuli, resulting in the withdrawal of the senses from the outer world - allowing you to tune to the inner world

The nervous system, usually in a frantic race to relay information, becomes very still with no messages to process

You then can become conscious with no thoughts to be conscious of

Conscious of more and more subtle energies around you...
until finally you become conscious of your at-one-ment with the Universe

That is the ultimate liberation


Image | Superposition of two wave systems
Joseph Norman Lockyer in Popular Science Monthly, June 1878

The paradox between intimacy and desire, closeness and space, togetherness and independence, love and freedom.When worki...
The Central Paradox of Love: Esther Perel on Reconciling the Closeness Needed for Intimacy with the Psychological Distance That Fuels Desire

The paradox between intimacy and desire, closeness and space, togetherness and independence, love and freedom.

When working with couples who want to expand their sexual intimacy I’m looking at how to hold these apparent opposites within one whole - how to move past dualistic thinking and encourage both parties to explore within the polarity consciously and with a sense of curiosity around growing towards more fluidity in the relationship.

It’s so easy to get stuck in our habits, or to follow outdated imprints about what relating ‘should’ look like. Too much closeness is counter-productive to erotic tension, while too much distance erodes the connection needed for authentic intimacy. Its almost like a dance along a tight rope, looking for the edges on both sides.

Effective relating is mostly about finding the excitement within that exploration rather than the frustration. And, as always, being able to feel into what you each need, while creating a trusting receptive space within which to communicate these needs clearly between you.

I love Esther Perel’s approach to erotic intelligence and recommend to check her work on ‘Mating in Captivity’ - especially relevant since we’ve all been locked in these last months 🤪

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.”

Still so many limitations in understanding around female sexuality within the medical profession, as this article on Vag...
'It destroys lives': why the razor-blade pain of vaginismus is so misunderstood

Still so many limitations in understanding around female sexuality within the medical profession, as this article on Vaginismus outlines... It’s always worth getting a medical opinion on a sexual issue, but be prepared to look deeper within the field of psycho-sexuality to expand upon what can be ‘fixed’ medically

Many sexual issues are intimately linked with our deepest psychological drives/desires/fears. Taking a ‘magic’ pill or cutting surgically are often quick fixes to a deeper issue that resurges such as in the example in this article of cutting away vaginal tissue to try open by force what the body closes for it’s own reasons

In my experience, conditions such as vaginismus (as well as premature ejaculation and erection issues), that are not found to be caused by related medical problems, can be most effectively worked with through a mix of counselling and respectful supportive bodywork that bring your attention to what is happening within the mind-body connection to create your symptoms

Humans learn sex over time, and as such, it also takes time to ‘unlearn’ sexual habits or to work through underlying issues around traumatic experiences that are still affecting your present access to sexual enjoyment

My hope is that holistic sex education in the form of psycho-sexual counselling and Sexological bodywork become more available within health services, as shame and fear around sex within our culture gradually find healing. I’m aware such services as I offer are expensive for many who need assistance and it would bring greater access and availability if there was national health / insurance company support. In the meantime, I offer special rates for those in financial difficulties who are looking to commit to ongoing work around limitations that are causing physical or emotional pain within their sexual intimacy

Some countries such as Switzerland are integrating this slowly while ongoing activism from various institutes for somatic sexuality studies around the world supports a widening understanding around sexual health from a holistic perspective

The stories of women in this article receiving awkward and, frankly, unhelpful advice are difficult to read and highlight that there is so much more to be done on expanding awareness in this area

As a resource for anyone with vaginismus, I recommend my colleague Dr Martha Tara Lee’s online offering :

This common condition can lead to relationship breakdown and unnecessary surgery. So why is treatment still so poor and underfunded?

ON ORGASM • adapted from OSHOIn deep orgasm, if you are aware,you will know for the first timewhat ecstasy isOtherwise y...

ON ORGASM • adapted from OSHO
In deep orgasm, if you are aware,
you will know for the first time
what ecstasy is

Otherwise you have only heard the word;
you have not known its meaning

Only in deep orgasm, if you are aware,
if your flame of awareness is burning bright,
will you be able to know that
sex is not just sex

Sex is the outermost layer;
deep inside is love;
and even deeper is prayer;
and deepest is divinity itself

Sex can become a divine experience;
then it is Tantra

Sex plus awareness…
and something tremendous starts changing

The path to love is not an easy ride, and it’s only for the brave. As Rumi said, ‘Your task is not to seek for love, but...

The path to love is not an easy ride, and it’s only for the brave. As Rumi said, ‘Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it’

Running and withdrawing are oh so tempting when standing face to face with fears of rejection, abandonment or unworthiness. Such feelings sit uncomfortably below the surface of all the protective armouring we create, waiting for the gift of a decent trigger to kick them into view. But as time goes on, and those dedicated continue walking this path, light eventually starts to shine through cracks in the armour - making contact with something lying deeper, an unbreakability that resides within the realm of actual love.

Because love isn’t delicate or sweet in its nature. It’s not some romantic ideal - it’s fierce as f**k. And it’s our very essence underneath all the weird sh*t we built around it thanks to the distortions of growing up.

Love burns away what isn’t aligned with truth - which will likely bring more than a few heartbreaks along with it. The suffering is not meant to punish us, but to allow us to see through to the beliefs and structures in our lives that create it.

Because whatever, or whoever, might satisfy on the outside remains only fleeting - supplies that aren’t sourced naturally within yourself create dependency, and with it, a fear of loss. The hunger for love can never be truly fulfilled by others.

Love is quite the great work in progress, and its mystery will likely never be totally unravelled. But it’s one I’m committed to exploring. Because what else is there?

I always wondered what it meant when I heard the phrase: ‘let love break your heart open.’ I couldn’t understand it. Heartbreak broke my heart closed, it seemed to me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
As I shared my story of ‘lost love’ in a group recently, one of the S:C participants said, “Can you make an agreement with the universe to allow your heart to be broken as many times as is necessary for you to know that love cannot leave?” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Wow. How I adore the wise women around me.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Trying to avoid a broken heart actually means living with one. Not allowing your heart to be broken IS the broken heart. As a wise person once said ‘if your life is about protection from pain, your life is about suffering.’⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
So can you make this agreement? The more you surrender into love, the more your heart will be broken. Can you allow the very real likelihood of loss for the sake of opening your heart as wide as possible? Just to know that YOU are love. Or will you withdraw and run? It doesn’t mean you don’t leave relationships. It means being true to love in you; love doesn’t go anywhere. As the spiritual teacher Gangaji says 'Let the world break your heart' until you finally know that love doesn’t exit your life with another person. This kind of realisation will give you the power to face anything!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
We explore being the source of love for ourselves inside's time to end codependency and find the love and power within ourselves.


ON MALE SEXUALITY • adapted from texts by Jonti Searll
When a man comes to do his work, there's a celebration. Everyone who does healing work, growth work, exploring, learning - puts more of that energy into the world and makes it more possible for everyone else. That's how we change things, we work inside of ourselves. So every man who comes to do a private journey, comes to a workshop or retreat, adds to that possibility for every other man.

Over time I've come to see how complex male sexuality is, how deep the issues are. And because, for so many men, going into these depths is reasonably new, a lot of it is exploration.

One of the things that I've seen in a lot of men, regardless of where the journey starts, is that much of what they've done has been based on conditioning, patterns and expectations. And not a lot of men have really asked 'What do I want?'

What kind of relationship do I want, really want?
What kind of sex, when I get past the conditioning, the porn model, the macho posturing, what kind of sex do I really want?
What kind of life do I really want?
When we consciously connect with our heart, we start asking these questions.
We stop going with the flow, which a lot of guys do because it's easy.
We start looking at intimacy, and this, for so many men, is big.

What is intimacy, how do we be intimate, what do we have to do to be intimate?
What is the language of intimacy?
What happens to the definition of myself as a man that I've held onto for so long?
What happens in between now and something new emerging, who am I, can I be in that fluid space?
Who am I sexually when I start to soften?
Does that mean I stop wanting what I have?
What happens to my belief about performance, and the value I've put into it?
Where is my sexual value, my emotional value?
Where is my voice, my pleasure voice, my heart voice?
And the extension comes into the work that I do, the way I do it,the choices I've made on that path.

For many men this is the first time they've asked these questions, and the unfolding, the exploration is just so beautiful. That's a word we don't often associate with men, with man's stuff.

Male sexuality has many different expressions, which sadly not many men get to understand and experience.
For most men sex is genitally, orgasm oriented, and this limits the experience men have of their sexuality, of the field of possibility.

But touch on Lingam can also be a very slow, very gentle experience in Tantra.
It's about a man surrendering to receive, in a way that frees him from performance, from pressure.
It's about a man being touched with tenderness that flows from the heart.
It's about a man allowing himself to relax, to soften into sensation, into feeling, into emotion.
It's about a man allowing himself to be present with whatever arises.
It's about a Lingam being seen, being touched, being held without having to get hard, without having to DO anything.
It's about a man's wounds being touched, his insecurities, his hurt, his pain, his anger, his disconnect acknowledged - and with tenderness, slowly, released.
It's about a man allowing himself to be open, opened.
It's about a man being vulnerable, revealed, in a space that honors him.

This slow touch, this gentle touch, is what allows us to drop the armour, the defences, the protection we carry.
It allows us to soften to receive.
It allows us to show ourselves.
It allows us to put so much of the macho bullsh*t, so much of the conditioning and patterning we've received as men, to let that go.
It allows us to feel, in every way, deeply.
It allows us to expand what we experience as sexual and sensual men.
It opens the channel connecting Heart and Lingam, allowing energy to flow between them.
It allows us to be aware of a more Heart-Centered Sexuality.

It becomes a ritual of receiving, of healing, of sensation, of pleasure. A ritual of honoring and worshipping a man, his Lingam, without having to be or do anything other than be there.

One of the things I love about this journey into sexuality, sensuality, energy, is that it is without limits. There is so much to learn, to experience, and the more we do the more we see how much more there is. How much there is within us.
A world of possibilities…

This is a beautiful journey.
It's beautiful in its vulnerability, in its tears, in its pain, in its awakening, in its awareness, in its liberation.

And we see how beautiful we are, us men.



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