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The Darn Tootin’ Tribune, Saskatoon, SK (2026)

09/04/2026

DIAL ‘M’ FOR MILK TOAST: ARE SASKATOON’S NEW ‘TATTLE PHONES’ FOSTERING EMOTIONAL MATURITY, OR SPAWNING A NATION OF SLIGHTLY FLAKIER SNOWFLAKES?

By Al Swanski - Prairie Panic Inducer

SASKATOON — If you wander through a Saskatoon elementary school these days, you may hear a sound not heard on the Prairies since 1987.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It’s the rotary dial of a Tattle Phone, a plastic hotline now giving primary students a designated place to unload their grievances without interrupting class.

Someone looked at your banana?

Dial the phone.

Johnny touched your pencil?

Dial the phone.

Someone breathed suspiciously during silent reading?

Apparently, there’s a number for that too.

Supporters say the phones give children a safe way to identify their feelings, calm down and learn to resolve minor conflicts before involving a teacher.

Critics aren’t so sure.

They fear we’re raising a generation that will require a telecommunications intermediary to survive the workplace.

Imagine 2042:

Gord: “Dave, unload those two-by-fours.”

Dave: “I can’t. Your tone made me uncomfortable. I’m calling the workplace Tattle Phone.”

Still, there may be something to the idea. Learning to pause, articulate a problem and decide whether it actually requires adult intervention is hardly a bad lesson.

The Tribune does, however, have one unanswered question:

Who is on the other end of the phone?

A counsellor? A teacher? Or one exhausted administrator sitting in a supply closet documenting a national emergency involving stolen crayons?

THE TRIBUNE VERDICT

The Tattle Phone may be part emotional regulation tool and part training wheels for human interaction.

If it saves teachers from hearing 34 reports before lunch about who farted near the cubbies, it’s a miracle.

But if today’s kindergarteners eventually demand a formal grievance procedure because someone took the last Dunkaroo, we may have a problem.

09/03/2026

WEIRD AL’S SECRET SASKATOON STOP FINALLY EXPLAINED

Parody legend ditched the tour, grabbed a bunnyhug and reunited with his oldest Saskatoon pal

By Ray Sinn Tewzkuupov, Public Investigator

SASKATOON, SK — For days, Saskatoon has been asking one question.

Why the hell was Weird Al Yankovic in Saskatoon on Monday?

The Darn Tootin’ Tribune has the answer.

He came to see his old pal Al Swanski.

Yes, that Al Swanski.

According to Swanski, the two have been friends for decades after meeting on the set of the 1989 classic UHF, where Swanski was working as a costume designer.

“We hit it off right away,” Swanski told the Tribune. “After filming we’d kick back with a couple beers and make prank calls. Al was always a hell of a guy.”

Swanski says the friendship continued over the years and the two have always kept in touch whenever their schedules allow.

“He’s Weird Al. I’m Al Swanski. We’ve both got busy lives.”

The mystery surrounding Monday’s Saskatoon visit began when Rock 102 reported that Yankovic had been spotted in town and had gone to the movies wearing a bunnyhug.

Swanski says he knows exactly why.

“He came to see me.”

The two reportedly spent Monday catching up, reminiscing about their UHF days and eventually turning their attention to a shared passion.

Hot dogs and extremely hot hot sauce.

Naturally, Swanski brought Weird Al to his old pal Deadly Dan’s Hot Sauce Grill, where witnesses say an impromptu hot dog and hot pepper eating contest broke out.

“All I know is Al won,” Swanski told the Tribune.

Which Al?

Swanski declined to say.

“I’m not at liberty to disclose that information due to a non disclosure agreement.”

The Tribune has learned the NDA is believed to contain several clauses, including one prohibiting either Al from revealing who cried first and another concerning the unauthorized consumption of a pepper described by witnesses as “legally classified as an event.”

As for the movie they watched, Swanski isn’t talking.

“I’ll never tell.”

He then reportedly added, “Although it was better than UHF.”

The Public Investigator ended the interview immediately.

One thing, however, is now clear.

Weird Al Yankovic wasn’t simply passing through Saskatoon.

He came to see an old friend, eat some dangerous hot dogs and apparently lose his ability to identify his own taste buds.

And folks, you heard it here first.

The Darn Tootin’ Tribune.

09/02/2026

THE BANJO GRUDGE IS DEAD

WESTWOOD GOES FROM ENEMY NO. 1 TO RIDER NO. 1

By Al Swanski, Head Receiver
The Darn Tootin’ Tribune

After 23 years of banjo fueled hostility, Saskatchewan has finally reached the only logical conclusion.

Troy Westwood was an as***le. But he was our kind of as***le.

The former Winnipeg kicker went from Bombers legend to Saskatchewan Enemy No. 1 in 2003 after describing Rider fans as a bunch of “banjo pickin’ inbreds.”

It was possibly the greatest insult ever delivered to a province that considers owning a banjo a perfectly respectable reason to cancel Saturday night plans.

But time heals all wounds.

Apparently so does putting the bastard in a green jersey.

According to the completely legitimate and absolutely not made up negotiations taking place somewhere between Mosaic Stadium and a Co Op parking lot, Westwood wanted a two game deal.

“I figured if I’m coming back, I might as well kick Labour Day and the Banjo Bowl,” Westwood reportedly said. “I’ve still got a few good kicks left.”

Upper management reportedly considered the proposal.

Then looked at his age.

Then looked at his hamstrings.

Then looked at the insurance paperwork.

“No fu***ng way.”

“So I’ll take what I can get,” Westwood replied.

At 59, Westwood’s return to professional football would require some minor adjustments.

His forty yard dash has reportedly been replaced with a forty yard wander.

His stretching routine now consists of carefully getting out of a chair.

And team doctors have advised him to avoid sprinting, jumping, sudden movements, uneven pavement and anyone yelling “GO!”

Still, none of that matters.

Because Saskatchewan has finally forgiven him.

The banjo grudge is dead.

The insult has become folklore.

The enemy has become family.

And the man who once mocked Rider Nation may soon be wearing the most controversial No. 1 jersey in Saskatchewan history.

From Enemy No. 1 to Rider No. 1.

Honestly, Saskatchewan could not have scripted it better.

Except Saskatchewan would have given him a two game contract.

And made him kick.

Welcome home, Troy.

Your jersey is ready.

Your number is waiting.

Your banjo is tuned.

Your hamstrings are heavily insured.

And management has one final message:

Enjoy Labour Day, Troy.

You’re not kicking.

Not even if the game goes to overtime.

09/01/2026

PETER D’S LAST CALL

Saskatoon nightlife pioneer Peter Danabassis leaves behind a city full of memories

SASKATOON — Long before smartphones could tell Saskatonians where to eat, drink or hear live music, Peter Danabassis already seemed to know where everybody was going.

Danabassis, a Greek-born restaurateur, nightclub operator and music promoter who helped shape Saskatoon’s hospitality scene for decades, died Aug. 28 at the age of 85.

Born on the island of Hydra in 1940, Danabassis arrived in Saskatoon in 1959 at age 18. He would go on to become one of the familiar names behind some of the city’s best-known restaurants and entertainment venues.

Among them was Club Dominic, where Danabassis helped bring live entertainment to Saskatoon during an era when booking a major band involved considerably more than sending an email and hoping for a reply.

Then came Peter D’s.

In 1986, Danabassis and his wife, Margaret, purchased the former Olympia operation on 8th Street East and transformed it into the restaurant that proudly carried his name.

And Peter D’s was about as subtle as the man himself.

No corporate branding. No focus groups. No mysterious spelling.

Just Peter D’s.

Everybody knew where it was.

Over the years, Danabassis would be associated with a long list of Saskatoon hospitality ventures, including the Colonial Pub and Grill, Venice House, the Copper Mug, Champs and Prime’s Steakhouse.

But his legacy wasn’t simply measured in restaurants.

It was measured in people.

Danabassis was deeply involved in Saskatoon’s Greek community and became known as a “Greek Ambassador” through his involvement with Folkfest. He was remembered for his quick wit, charisma and generosity, with his home often welcoming friends, family and people who needed somewhere to gather.

That may be the most fitting way to remember him.

Because Saskatoon nightlife was once less about apps, reviews and reservations — and more about knowing a place where you could walk through the door and inevitably run into somebody you knew.

Peter Danabassis helped create many of those places.

The signs have changed. The buildings have changed. The price of a beer certainly changed.

But the stories remain.

So, Peter, thanks for the food, the music and the memories.

The final last call has been made — but in Saskatoon, the Peter D stories aren’t going anywhere.

08/30/2026

MARTENSVILLE’S YOUNGEST TYCOON

Ten year old builds frozen empire before most children remember to charge an iPad

By Al Swanski, Head Receiver

MARTENSVILLE — The balance of economic power in Saskatchewan shifted this summer when ten year old Gus Fandrich climbed aboard an electric freezer bike, activated his Square payment terminal and began rolling through Martensville with enough frozen inventory to destabilize every allowance in town.

Operating under the increasingly powerful banner of Gus’ Sweet Treats, the young entrepreneur has combined the nostalgic charm of an old fashioned ice cream bicycle with the cold efficiency of a modern delivery corporation.

He has an electric motor. He accepts electronic payments. He broadcasts his location by GPS. He carries Dole Whip.

At ten years old, Gus has developed a more advanced distribution network than several provincial agencies.

The idea began at a Warman Wolverines hockey game, where Gus spotted an old Dickie Dee style freezer bike. After his father, Jason, explained what it was, Gus asked one simple question.

“Can I do that?”

Together, they built their own version using a freezer, inverter, electric motor and throttle. Gus then added compartments for pop and chips, transforming a humble bicycle into a rolling convenience store capable of emptying every piggy bank within four blocks.

Today, the sight of Gus turning onto a street can trigger scenes normally associated with royal visits and emergency evacuations. Children pour from backyards, screen doors fly open and parents begin desperately searching for their wallets.

Gus says the screams can be heard from blocks away.

Financial experts call this organic marketing.

His inventory includes Drumsticks, Reese’s treats, Klondike sandwiches, Oreo cookie sandwiches, SpongeBob and Minions bars, Creamsicles, Fudgesicles, Revellos, Kit Kats, Dole Whip and bubblegum snow cones.

Realizing that few people carry cash anymore, Gus and his father purchased a Square payment system. Martensville children can now buy a SpongeBob bar using the same financial technology their parents use to purchase lumber.

The bike is also equipped with GPS tracking, allowing customers to follow Gus online. Residents no longer have to stand silently in their driveways listening for bells. They can watch him advancing through Martensville at approximately one melting Fudgesicle per minute.

The company serves as many as 100 customers on busy days and operates mainly on Fridays and weekends, presumably because Saskatchewan regulations still require its chief executive to attend elementary school.

The operation does have one weakness. The electric bike must be charged, and Gus occasionally forgets.

“If the battery dies on me, it’s gonna be a long way to the car,” he admitted.

Despite this vulnerability, Gus is already planning his expansion. He hopes to build more bikes and eventually enter Saskatoon, Regina, Red Deer and Edmonton. His long term goal is to purchase a full sized ice cream truck.

Asked what he intends to do with his profits, Gus did not mention toys, video games or the construction of a backyard waterslide.

He is saving for college.

Beneath the GPS tracking, payment terminals and interprovincial ambitions is a much simpler motivation. Gus says he enjoys meeting people and making them smile.

And that is exactly what he is doing.

In an age when almost everything arrives through an app, Gus has brought something wonderfully old fashioned back to the neighbourhood: a bicycle, a freezer full of treats and children racing down the street beneath the Saskatchewan sun.

So if the distant sound of excited screaming begins moving toward your house, remain calm.

That is not an emergency.

That is Gus entering your market.

08/30/2026

VHS WAS THE AI SLOP OF YESTERYEAR

Betamax was better. Saskatoon bought the crap anyway.

By Al Swanski - Public Investigator

Remember when VHS became the standard?

Because somebody needs to explain how we went from a technically superior Betamax to that giant plastic loaf of magnetic tape we all spent the 1980s rewinding with a pencil.

Betamax came first.

Better picture.

Smaller cassette.

Better technology.

Betamax had standards.

Then VHS showed up and basically said

“Yeah but I can hold more crap.”

And somehow that was enough.

VHS was cheaper. More manufacturers made it. More stores carried it. More movies ended up on it.

It wasn’t better.

It was just everywhere.

And eventually even Saskatoon got swept into the great VHS surrender.

There was a time when local video stores carried Betamax and Saskatoon movie buffs could actually walk into a store and rent the superior format.

Then the shelves started filling with VHS.

Betamax was pushed aside.

The good stuff was disappearing while the chunky plastic inferior cousin took over the city one video store at a time.

And then came the po*******hy angle.

Betamax apparently had standards.

VHS apparently didn’t.

The adult entertainment industry embraced home video and the enduring legend is that Betamax essentially said “No thanks” while VHS said “How many copies?”

P**n didn’t single handedly kill Betamax.

But combined with longer recording times and cheaper machines and more manufacturers and more rental stores and more content

it sure didn’t help.

That may have been the proverbial straw that broke Betamax’s back.

Betamax had quality.

VHS had quantity.

Betamax was the carefully engineered original.

VHS was the mass produced stuff everybody suddenly couldn’t stop consuming.

Sound familiar?

That’s why VHS deserves to be remembered as the AI slop of yesteryear.

Not necessarily better.

Not necessarily smarter.

Just cheaper.

Easier.

Everywhere.

And pumping out an endless supply of mediocre content.

Betamax was the steak.

VHS was the all you can eat buffet.

And Saskatoon

like the rest of the world

went back for seconds.

History is full of questionable decisions.

We just rewind them.

08/25/2026

OLD FARTS REFUSE TO LET LAWN DARTS DIE

Saskatoon’s most persistent numbskulls once again demand the right to throw dangerously pointy objects in public parks

By Al Swanski - Head Receiver
The Darn Tootin’ Tribune

SASKATOON — Like the dodo, Blockbuster Video and smoking in hospitals, lawn darts disappeared for a reason.

Unfortunately, nobody told the Old Farts Lawn Darts Club.

The self proclaimed numbskulls are once again petitioning the City of Saskatoon to allow traditional lawn darts in public parks. Yes, lawn darts. The big, heavy, pointy bastards from yesteryear that combined the leisurely pace of horseshoes with the exciting possibility of an ambulance.

The Old Farts have been fighting this battle for what seems like roughly as long as the dodo has been extinct. Every so often they emerge from wherever old lawn dart enthusiasts go between protests, unfold their lawn chairs, hoist their homemade signs and demand that society return to a simpler time when apparently nobody worried about sharpened projectiles falling from the sky.

Their argument remains simple.

Horseshoes just do not cut it.

Or, as one member quickly corrected us, “Pierce it.”

This time the club insists it has addressed the safety concerns. Members have pledged to wear DOT rated helmets and CSA approved footwear during all sanctioned lawn dart activities.

Which is reassuring in approximately the same way oven mitts would be reassuring during a chainsaw fight.

The Tribune asked why they could not simply embrace a modern and considerably less pointy pastime such as co****le.

We immediately regretted asking.

Apparently co****le is a sensitive subject within the organization and our reporter was strongly advised never to bring up “that goddamned beanbag nonsense” again.

Fair enough.

The club currently has just 11 members with an average age of 82, meaning their campaign is facing two significant opponents.

City Hall and time.

At some point, society must ask whether it is finally time for these people to get with the times or die.

In our humble opinion.

Shortly before press time, however, The Tribune received an important update.

The Old Farts Lawn Darts Club now has 10 members.

No explanation was provided regarding the sudden departure of member number 11.

We are certainly not suggesting anything.

We are merely pointing out that these people enjoy throwing large pointed objects into the air and you cannot properly play lawn darts with an odd number of people.

Things that make you go hmmmm.

The remaining Old Farts say they have no intention of abandoning their campaign.

Governments change. Generations change. Society changes.

But apparently the human desire to stand across a public park from your buddy and hurl a steel tipped object toward his general vicinity is eternal.

City Hall has yet to budge.

The Old Farts have yet to quit.

Membership, however, appears to be heading in the wrong direction.

08/24/2026

This is fairly bonkers…

08/24/2026

Five Foxes Suspected in Provincial Park Footwear Crime Ring

By Ray Sinn Tewzkuupov - Public Investigator

EMMA LAKE, SK — Saskatchewan has survived droughts, wildfires, mosquitoes and campground neighbours who think everyone wants to hear AC/DC at 1:17 in the morning. But nothing prepared us for five foxes stealing shoes.

At Great Blue Heron Provincial Park, four red foxes and one suspiciously distinguished silver fox have reportedly been making off with Crocs, sandals, shoes, work gloves, oven mitts and dog toys since early July.

Basically anything a fox can carry and has absolutely no use for.

Stolen property has been turning up along trails and throughout the campground. Park staff reportedly filled two lost-and-found collection boxes and needed a third.

At this point, this is no longer wildlife.

This is organized crime.

One resident reportedly found eight shoes on a single walk. Another family lost Crocs and a sandal, then spotted a fox wandering around carrying somebody else’s work gloves.

That fox wasn’t stealing anymore.

He was moving product.

The Tribune has been unable to determine what five foxes need with this much footwear. Somewhere deep in the Saskatchewan bush there may now be an underground fox marketplace where a lightly chewed Birkenstock gets you two oven mitts and a tennis ball.

Then there’s the silver fox.

We’re not accusing him of anything.

We’re simply saying when four red foxes and one silver fox are involved in a summer-long shoe operation, you start with the silver fox.

Social media has even become a Saskatchewan shoe-repatriation network, with campers identifying stolen footwear in photos and arranging for travellers to bring it home.

“Gord’s bringing my Croc back from Emma Lake Tuesday.”

“You forgot it?”

“No. Fox stole it.”

“Ah.”

That’s Saskatchewan.

Park officials remind visitors these are still wild animals and should not be approached or encouraged. Secure your belongings and do not attempt to negotiate with the suspects.

For now, five remain at large.

Four red. One silver. No arrests. No remorse.

Somewhere near Emma Lake, a fox is disappearing into the trees with somebody’s Croc, somebody else’s work glove and what little remained of our faith in campground security.

Lock up your coolers. Secure your valuables. And for God’s sake, bring your sandals inside.

08/21/2026

THE JP QUESTION: IS THIS MAN ACTUALLY REAL?

Industry Plant? Drugs? Government Experiment? Truman Show? Saskatoon Demands Answers.

By Al Swanski — Head Receiver
The Darn Tootin’ Tribune

SASKATOON — At some point, somebody had to ask.

Is JP actually real?

Every day another episode drops. Freestyle rap. Public delinquency. Unsolicited philosophy. Questionable decisions. Police. Parking lots. And regular diplomatic relations with Saskatoon’s unfortunately displaced street level townsfolk.

There are now more episodes of JP than Law & Order, except Law & Order has writers, permits and some idea where the story is going.

So what in the sweet name of Tommy Douglas are we watching?

The Tribune investigated.

INDUSTRY PLANT

Maybe JP was manufactured by the entertainment industry and released into Saskatoon.

NOOOO WAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME SOME RECORD EXECUTIVE SLAPPED JP’S PHOTO ON A BOARDROOM TABLE AND SAID, “GENTLEMEN, THE FUTURE OF HIP HOP IS CURRENTLY FREESTYLING BESIDE A SHOPPING CART”?

Big Rap? Big V**e? Big Convenience Store?

Somebody knows something.

DRUGS

The internet’s favourite diagnosis.

NOOOO WAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THIS ISN’T JUST GATORADE, FRESH AIR AND A REALLY GOOD MULTIVITAMIN?

Maybe substances are involved. Maybe they aren’t. Nobody can diagnose a man from Facebook.

And if something serious really is happening, eventually the question has to change from “What the hell did JP do today?” to “Does JP need help?”

Unfortunately, another video usually drops before Saskatchewan finishes the thought.

METHOD ACTOR

Maybe this is all performance art.

NOOOO WAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME JP HAS BEEN DOING SHAKESPEARE THIS WHOLE TIME AND WE THOUGHT HE WAS JUST GETTING KICKED OUT OF ANOTHER 7 ELEVEN?

If he eventually puts on a blazer, bows and announces this was an eight year examination of Western civilization, give the son of a bitch every acting award Canada has.

GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENT

Maybe Ottawa gave one Canadian an iPhone, unlimited data and absolutely no supervision.

NOOOO WAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME MY TAX DOLLARS FUNDED THIS AND SOME SCIENTIST IS STILL SITTING THERE WITH A CLIPBOARD WRITING, “SUBJECT HAS BEGUN FREESTYLING AGAIN”?

The experiment was supposed to last six weeks.

JP escaped on Day Four.

THE TRUMAN SHOW

What if JP isn’t filming his life?

What if his life is filming him?

NOOOO WAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME WE’RE ALL EXTRAS ON THE JP SHOW AND I’VE BEEN DOING THIS S**T FOR FREE? WHERE THE HELL IS MY UNION REP?

Every convenience store is a set. Every alley is a soundstage. Every police encounter is sweeps week.

The terrifying part?

There are no writers.

TIME TRAVELLER

Maybe JP was sent from 2176 to document Saskatchewan.

NOOOO WAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HUMANITY FINALLY INVENTED TIME TRAVEL AND THIS IS WHO WE SENT?

Future historians may know our entire civilization through JP videos.

For the record:

We had libraries too.

OR MAYBE HE’S JUST JP

The most unbelievable theory of all.

No conspiracy. No drugs. No producers. No laboratory.

Just JP.

NOOOO WAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME AFTER ALL THIS, THE SON OF A BITCH IS ACTUALLY JUST LIKE THIS?

If it’s an act, it’s magnificent.

If it isn’t, somebody should probably check on the guy.

Until science provides a better explanation, The Darn Tootin’ Tribune officially classifies JP as a Saskatchewan Weather Event.

Unpredictable. Frequently recorded. Occasionally concerning.

And capable, under ideal conditions, of producing four inches of freestyle with a 90 percent chance of delinquency by supper.

Always JP.

The Darn Tootin’ Tribune

09/04/2026

09/03/2026

09/02/2026

09/01/2026

08/30/2026

08/30/2026

08/25/2026

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08/21/2026

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